When dhs can't speak to their parents

[Anonymous]

I'm looking for some advice here. DH and I come to a joint decision, but then he can't relay that information to his parents. I think he thinks his parents might be upset and he hates doing things they don't like. He also has trouble relaying good information like our trip logistics or holiday plans. For a while I did this all for him, but then being the bad guy in my inlaw's eyes got old quick. I refuse to relay information now. I try to understand why he can't talk to his parents and I can't figure it out. His parents are nice and are normal people. They're not demanding or bossy. They understand when we can't make events.

In his day to day life DH is a senior manager who has no trouble discussing things.

Here is the exact situation: We were invited to a 2nd cousin's destination wedding. I have 2 kids under 2. DH and I both agree that it's too much. We don't want to ask my parents to watch the kids (we'd have to fly my parents in) and my inlaws really want my kids to attend wedding (which is problematic since they go to sleep at 7pm). It's also expensive and we aren't close to this cousin. Instead of telling his parents that we just couldn't make it, he tells his parents he isn't sure. He asks a few questions about the kids at the wedding and then MIL goes to the bride and makes sure kids are invited. Then his parents call him back a week later and he says he'll have to check his work schedule, he isn't sure.

My inlaws have even asked me why dh can't talk to them. Is there some solution here or something I can do? I feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me of this.

[Anonymous]

Start small.

When you come to a joint decision about something like the wedding, have him write out an email to his parents together saying that you can’t go. When the draft is done, he sends it from his email to both his parents. Do this with texts too. If he won’t say “no” on the phone, he needs to say it in writing.

Also, it’s really rude to keep telling his family “maybe” when you both know the answer is no. Everyone is going to think you’re both jerks if you keep doing this. STOP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for some advice here. DH and I come to a joint decision, but then he can't relay that information to his parents. I think he thinks his parents might be upset and he hates doing things they don't like. He also has trouble relaying good information like our trip logistics or holiday plans. For a while I did this all for him, but then being the bad guy in my inlaw's eyes got old quick. I refuse to relay information now. I try to understand why he can't talk to his parents and I can't figure it out. His parents are nice and are normal people. They're not demanding or bossy. They understand when we can't make events.

In his day to day life DH is a senior manager who has no trouble discussing things.

Here is the exact situation: We were invited to a 2nd cousin's destination wedding. I have 2 kids under 2. DH and I both agree that it's too much. We don't want to ask my parents to watch the kids (we'd have to fly my parents in) and my inlaws really want my kids to attend wedding (which is problematic since they go to sleep at 7pm). It's also expensive and we aren't close to this cousin. Instead of telling his parents that we just couldn't make it, he tells his parents he isn't sure. He asks a few questions about the kids at the wedding and then MIL goes to the bride and makes sure kids are invited. Then his parents call him back a week later and he says he'll have to check his work schedule, he isn't sure.

My inlaws have even asked me why dh can't talk to them. Is there some solution here or something I can do? I feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me of this.

They need to talk to him directly and ask that question. Having you as in-between, is exactly what everyone should avoid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for some advice here. DH and I come to a joint decision, but then he can't relay that information to his parents. I think he thinks his parents might be upset and he hates doing things they don't like. He also has trouble relaying good information like our trip logistics or holiday plans. For a while I did this all for him, but then being the bad guy in my inlaw's eyes got old quick. I refuse to relay information now. I try to understand why he can't talk to his parents and I can't figure it out. His parents are nice and are normal people. They're not demanding or bossy. They understand when we can't make events.

In his day to day life DH is a senior manager who has no trouble discussing things.

Here is the exact situation: We were invited to a 2nd cousin's destination wedding. I have 2 kids under 2. DH and I both agree that it's too much. We don't want to ask my parents to watch the kids (we'd have to fly my parents in) and my inlaws really want my kids to attend wedding (which is problematic since they go to sleep at 7pm). It's also expensive and we aren't close to this cousin. Instead of telling his parents that we just couldn't make it, he tells his parents he isn't sure. He asks a few questions about the kids at the wedding and then MIL goes to the bride and makes sure kids are invited. Then his parents call him back a week later and he says he'll have to check his work schedule, he isn't sure.

My inlaws have even asked me why dh can't talk to them. Is there some solution here or something I can do? I feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me of this.

They need to talk to him directly and ask that question. Having you as in-between, is exactly what everyone should avoid.

It sounds like whenever he talks to his parents he says “I’m not sure” whenever the answer is no.

[Anonymous]

He is afraid to say no to his parents. Pp’s email suggestion is a good one.

[Anonymous]

OP here. They talk often on the phone (every 3rd day just about), so it would be weird to send an email. I can help him write up a text. I keep asking him if he even wants to go to the wedding as he could go by himself, but he keeps telling me he'll look into it too. The RSVP deadline is next week.

I think DH just can't make any sort of decision about family matters. He's waiting for either me or his mom to make the decision for him. It's really strange and he's a capable person in every other aspect of his life. I really don't want to make these decisions for him. There's enough on my plate. He does this with holidays too. His parents and I didn't know when we'd be going up for Christmas. We both kept asking him and he wouldn't make a decision. He wouldn't sit down with me and talk about it. I think he feels pulled between knowing I don't want to spend more than 4 days at his parents (I want to see my own family and annual leave constraints) and his parents want him to spend as much time as possible.

Is this something a therapist could work through with us?

[Anonymous]

What is his parents response when he does say no? Are they reasonable?
I don't think my dh wants to tell his mom no because then she starts crying and he hates it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his parents response when he does say no? Are they reasonable?
I don't think my dh wants to tell his mom no because then she starts crying and he hates it.

OP here. Yes his parents are reasonable. They wouldn't throw a tantrum or even be passive aggressive about it.

I'm sure they'll be disappointed about the wedding because obviously we COULD go, but it's $$$ with very small children who'd make it unenjoyable, and just a lot of work for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They talk often on the phone (every 3rd day just about), so it would be weird to send an email. I can help him write up a text. I keep asking him if he even wants to go to the wedding as he could go by himself, but he keeps telling me he'll look into it too. The RSVP deadline is next week.

I think DH just can't make any sort of decision about family matters. He's waiting for either me or his mom to make the decision for him. It's really strange and he's a capable person in every other aspect of his life. I really don't want to make these decisions for him. There's enough on my plate. He does this with holidays too. His parents and I didn't know when we'd be going up for Christmas. We both kept asking him and he wouldn't make a decision. He wouldn't sit down with me and talk about it. I think he feels pulled between knowing I don't want to spend more than 4 days at his parents (I want to see my own family and annual leave constraints) and his parents want him to spend as much time as possible.

Is this something a therapist could work through with us?

Yes, I think you could work with a therapist over this. He needs to learn communication skills, and how to do it and deal with the (perceived) repercussions.


The system "What's the WORST THING that could happen? might be a help. It's something like this:
OK, what are you going to tell your parents?
That we aren't going.
What's the worst thing they could say or do?
They would scream and yell.
What would happen to you?
I would be nervous. I might cry
So then what would happen?
and so on

the end result is you end up realizing that you CAN survive the WORST THING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. They talk often on the phone (every 3rd day just about), so it would be weird to send an email. I can help him write up a text. I keep asking him if he even wants to go to the wedding as he could go by himself, but he keeps telling me he'll look into it too. The RSVP deadline is next week.

I think DH just can't make any sort of decision about family matters. He's waiting for either me or his mom to make the decision for him. It's really strange and he's a capable person in every other aspect of his life. I really don't want to make these decisions for him. There's enough on my plate. He does this with holidays too. His parents and I didn't know when we'd be going up for Christmas. We both kept asking him and he wouldn't make a decision. He wouldn't sit down with me and talk about it. I think he feels pulled between knowing I don't want to spend more than 4 days at his parents (I want to see my own family and annual leave constraints) and his parents want him to spend as much time as possible.

Is this something a therapist could work through with us?

This sounds exhausting. Just don’t let him procrastinate the decision.

For example, when you guys both talk about the wedding and not wanting to go, you can get the RSVP card and check not attending. Once the RSVP is submitted, it’s done.

This is something you have control over.

Also, when you’re making holiday plans, sit down together and look at the calendar - mark down dates that you’re willing to go see his family, etc. There aren’t that many days to choose from and you’re allowed to state your opinions. Saying your maximum is 4 nights at his parents house is reasonable. You say he’s indecisive, but you seem really hesitant to make decisions as well. In my house I would ask DH “what do you want to do?” And we would tell each other preferences constrained by days of leave available and logistics. It shouldn’t be that hard to make holiday plans.

[Anonymous]

Wait..your husband talks to his parents on the phone every 3 days? This is very strange. What on earth do they even talk about this frequently. How old is your DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is his parents response when he does say no? Are they reasonable?
I don't think my dh wants to tell his mom no because then she starts crying and he hates it.

+1

MIL gets offended that spouse has an opinion. Email is the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for some advice here. DH and I come to a joint decision, but then he can't relay that information to his parents. I think he thinks his parents might be upset and he hates doing things they don't like. He also has trouble relaying good information like our trip logistics or holiday plans. For a while I did this all for him, but then being the bad guy in my inlaw's eyes got old quick. I refuse to relay information now. I try to understand why he can't talk to his parents and I can't figure it out. His parents are nice and are normal people. They're not demanding or bossy. They understand when we can't make events.

In his day to day life DH is a senior manager who has no trouble discussing things.

Here is the exact situation: We were invited to a 2nd cousin's destination wedding. I have 2 kids under 2. DH and I both agree that it's too much. We don't want to ask my parents to watch the kids (we'd have to fly my parents in) and my inlaws really want my kids to attend wedding (which is problematic since they go to sleep at 7pm). It's also expensive and we aren't close to this cousin. Instead of telling his parents that we just couldn't make it, he tells his parents he isn't sure. He asks a few questions about the kids at the wedding and then MIL goes to the bride and makes sure kids are invited. Then his parents call him back a week later and he says he'll have to check his work schedule, he isn't sure.

My inlaws have even asked me why dh can't talk to them. Is there some solution here or something I can do? I feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me of this.

Bolded is the most interesting part. They raised him and they don't know? If they have verbalized this I'd want to know if he has EVER been able to talk to them. If so, what changed? If not, has he ever been assessed for anxiety or executive processing issues? If he's a senior manager, his staff likely make things happen. He may have lucked out and had good staff who communicate well. If he ever has any people with communication issues he would be in trouble, I'm guessing.

To answer your question, yes therapy would help if he acknowledged the problem, wanted to change it and actually COULD change it, and showed up for his appts. Which he probably wouldn't want to discuss. Or plan. Or schedule. Or go to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait..your husband talks to his parents on the phone every 3 days? This is very strange. What on earth do they even talk about this frequently. How old is your DH?

Dh FaceTimes with the kids. We’re mid 30s. They aren’t talking long.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he would do an email or a text. A sentence or 2. "Re: the wedding, we won't be able to go"

Then just repeat and substitute The Subject for any future, similar message. He can explain or field questions, best he can later, on the phone or in person, whatever.

But at least they would know. Very inconsiderate for them not to know a definitive answer in a timely manner.