When dhs can't speak to their parents

I was just going to say therapy will help. It’s rooted in people-pleasing. It sounds like he doesn’t want to disappoint them, so he’s trying to put off disappointing them as long as possible, even trying to buy himself time to desperately find a way to make everyone happy. He needs to learn that this is not healthy for him. It also is dragging out the worst parts of the situation. It is okay to say no. It is better for everyone to just say no. He is going to feel better, you are going to feel better, even his parents will do better when they learn the new normal. He can do. He’s worth it, he just has to learn that he can prioritize what he wants too.

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03/28/2019 07:02

Subject: When dhs can't speak to their parents

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Anonymous

You send an email to all of them, or a text, and say:

"I am stepping out of this dynamic completely. In my view, if you don't get a prompt and clear 'yes' or 'no' from Bob, or an 'I need to talk with Jill but will get back to you by Sunday morning,' that the answer is no and he's just too afraid and rude to tell you directly."

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03/28/2019 14:56

Subject: When dhs can't speak to their parents

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:You send an email to all of them, or a text, and say:

"I am stepping out of this dynamic completely. In my view, if you don't get a prompt and clear 'yes' or 'no' from Bob, or an 'I need to talk with Jill but will get back to you by Sunday morning,' that the answer is no and he's just too afraid and rude to tell you directly."

This is what I'd suggest too. I'd be so sick of his wishy washiness by now I'd go the nuclear option.

He needs to take responsibility for his decision and not hide behind you.

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03/28/2019 16:22

Subject: When dhs can't speak to their parents

quote

Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I was just going to say therapy will help. It’s rooted in people-pleasing. It sounds like he doesn’t want to disappoint them, so he’s trying to put off disappointing them as long as possible, even trying to buy himself time to desperately find a way to make everyone happy. He needs to learn that this is not healthy for him. It also is dragging out the worst parts of the situation. It is okay to say no. It is better for everyone to just say no. He is going to feel better, you are going to feel better, even his parents will do better when they learn the new normal. He can do. He’s worth it, he just has to learn that he can prioritize what he wants too.

OP here. Thanks for this reply. I actually think you hit the nail on the head. He's a huge people pleaser, especially when it comes to family.

He's not at all this way at work and is usually abrupt with his employees, so I'm not sure how he got in this dynamic with his parents.

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03/31/2019 10:53

Subject: When dhs can't speak to their parents

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Anonymous

Anonymous wrote:I'm looking for some advice here. DH and I come to a joint decision, but then he can't relay that information to his parents. I think he thinks his parents might be upset and he hates doing things they don't like. He also has trouble relaying good information like our trip logistics or holiday plans. For a while I did this all for him, but then being the bad guy in my inlaw's eyes got old quick. I refuse to relay information now. I try to understand why he can't talk to his parents and I can't figure it out. His parents are nice and are normal people. They're not demanding or bossy. They understand when we can't make events.

In his day to day life DH is a senior manager who has no trouble discussing things.

Here is the exact situation: We were invited to a 2nd cousin's destination wedding. I have 2 kids under 2. DH and I both agree that it's too much. We don't want to ask my parents to watch the kids (we'd have to fly my parents in) and my inlaws really want my kids to attend wedding (which is problematic since they go to sleep at 7pm). It's also expensive and we aren't close to this cousin. Instead of telling his parents that we just couldn't make it, he tells his parents he isn't sure. He asks a few questions about the kids at the wedding and then MIL goes to the bride and makes sure kids are invited. Then his parents call him back a week later and he says he'll have to check his work schedule, he isn't sure.

My inlaws have even asked me why dh can't talk to them. Is there some solution here or something I can do? I feel like I have a lifetime ahead of me of this.

Reread your post. You're the bad guy for saying no. MiL talks to a bride assuring kids can come which puts you on the spot. I can see where your DH is coming from. He's experienced MIL's manipulation long enough and he's checked out. Support him.