Heartbroken that MIL hates me

[Anonymous]

I've tried with my mother-in-law. I've bought her gifts, sent cards, tried to follow her rules, but it seems like nothing is good enough. I still reach out occasionally to say happy birthday or happy new year via email but she ignores me.

She only wants her son to visit, not me or our kids. She even wanted only her son over mother's day. We follow all of these demands, in hope that she still thaw. But it's been years. DH has now given up on her and doesn't want to try any longer. I am heartbroken that there appears to be back no hope. I am lost as to what I've done, or our kids have done, for this hatred. I've been seeing a counselor to try to feel better about it and see it as her loss. The counselor had explained that I have a desire for acceptance and need to just accept myself but it's not getting through to my brain. If you have any ideas on how to let something go, please tell me.

Luckily the kids don't feel the loss that I feel since they have a fantastic relationship with my parents and I don't think they understand that there is a missing set of grandparents in the picture yet. Unfortunately FIL seems to be too weak to say/do anything.

I guess at this point, I need to give up, but I still find myself sad sometimes. I've never been so disliked before.

For those who will ask why she dislikes me, here are the reasons that she had provided:

1. I don't love her son.
2. Her son doesn't love me.
3. I married her son for his money.
4. I married her son for her money.
5. I got pregnant to trap him.
6. I got pregnant again to trap him and/or get more money after she told him not to have another baby with me so that the divorce would be easier.
7. I got pregnant again to trap him, and the 3rd child is overpopulating the world, so I should have known better and stopped at 2 and refused to have sex with him until he got a vasectomy as she did with FIL.
8. I'm the reason he doesn't visit more often.
9. Im the reason he stopped visiting.
10. I'm brainwashing him to stay with me.
11. I'm brainwashing him against her.
12. My own family doesn't love me.
13. I have no friends.
14. My family and friends are "trash".
15. I caused and continue to cause problems with "the family".

Sometimes I wonder if she's right about me until I snap out of it. I don't understand why someone would be so cruel to another human being.

[Anonymous]

Start acting like you just don’t GAF. Seriously. You don’t like me? Ok, cool. Here’s your son. Actually, I’d send my kids too and go get a massage and enjoy a quiet meal alone.

Once she knows it doesn’t bother you, being mean to youneill do nothing for her.

[Anonymous]

And you want to chase after this woman and be involved in her life exactly why?

[Anonymous]

OP the problem her is that you are looking for something that isn't there. This woman is a major ASSHOLE. You need to respect that! You have wonderful parents (it seems) and an otherwise rich life- why are you trying to get approval from a person who is clearly never going to give it?

Find another hobby, find a new friend- do what you need to do to stop looking to her for anything by a source of anger.

[Anonymous]

This is not about you, it’s about her own insecurities. Just let it go and move on with your life!

[Anonymous]

Your husband should have severed ties with her a long time ago, OP. The day he finally stops seeing her is the day she will understand that she has gone too far.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those situations in which revenge is served best by simply living a good life. She's insecure, neurotic, a first-class turd etc. You win by simply enjoying your life, your awesome kids and loving husband. That's all you have to do. Take comfort that all the love that surrounds you is what she is really jealous of and missing in her own life. It sounds like she has made her bed and is lying in it. Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Wow, ok.

Somehow you have to learn that it's not you, it's her. Pity her for how sad/insecure she is that she is this threatened by you.

Your counselor is right - I don't know how to get through to you, but maybe you need to really think about this. There is literally nothing you can do to make her like you. literally nothing.

Pity her, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is not a person over whom you should waste another minute of your life.

[Anonymous]

drama, drama, drama ... sounds like both of you love the drama

[Anonymous]

She was never going to like any DIL. It's not you. Let it go. Stop interacting with her. Clearly your dh is getting there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've tried with my mother-in-law. I've bought her gifts, sent cards, tried to follow her rules, but it seems like nothing is good enough. I still reach out occasionally to say happy birthday or happy new year via email but she ignores me.

She only wants her son to visit, not me or our kids. She even wanted only her son over mother's day. We follow all of these demands, in hope that she still thaw. But it's been years. DH has now given up on her and doesn't want to try any longer. I am heartbroken that there appears to be back no hope. I am lost as to what I've done, or our kids have done, for this hatred. I've been seeing a counselor to try to feel better about it and see it as her loss. The counselor had explained that I have a desire for acceptance and need to just accept myself but it's not getting through to my brain. If you have any ideas on how to let something go, please tell me.

Luckily the kids don't feel the loss that I feel since they have a fantastic relationship with my parents and I don't think they understand that there is a missing set of grandparents in the picture yet. Unfortunately FIL seems to be too weak to say/do anything.

I guess at this point, I need to give up, but I still find myself sad sometimes. I've never been so disliked before.

For those who will ask why she dislikes me, here are the reasons that she had provided:

1. I don't love her son.
2. Her son doesn't love me.
3. I married her son for his money.
4. I married her son for her money.
5. I got pregnant to trap him.
6. I got pregnant again to trap him and/or get more money after she told him not to have another baby with me so that the divorce would be easier.
7. I got pregnant again to trap him, and the 3rd child is overpopulating the world, so I should have known better and stopped at 2 and refused to have sex with him until he got a vasectomy as she did with FIL.
8. I'm the reason he doesn't visit more often.
9. Im the reason he stopped visiting.
10. I'm brainwashing him to stay with me.
11. I'm brainwashing him against her.
12. My own family doesn't love me.
13. I have no friends.
14. My family and friends are "trash".
15. I caused and continue to cause problems with "the family".

Sometimes I wonder if she's right about me until I snap out of it. I don't understand why someone would be so cruel to another human being.

OP, she is not right.

Look, she's made this choice - you can't control her behavior, only your own. It's time for your husband, her son, to stand up to her a little. No more Mother's Day with her - he needs to tell her point-blank that he's come alone because he hoped that someday she'd have a relationship with HIS family, but now that it's clear that's not the case, he's spending the day with his family, etc.

If he wants to still have a relationship with her, then he can go on hos own every so often.

You've got to absolve yourself from any responsibility or guilty over this.

[Anonymous]

You need to cut this witch off. She's a cancer on your family. Your DH shouldn't see her without you all.

What kind of grandma doesn't want to see their grandkids?!?!

[Anonymous]

x1000 on everything above. she's the problem, not you. move on and enjoy your life with your DH and kids already.

[Anonymous]

OP, think of it this way. If you continue to make this about something you are doing wrong, it gives you the feeling of control over the situation. You're not getting what you want but it's still your fault so it's under your control. It's really really scary to not have control over these things. If you finally accept that it's your MIL's personality, then you have lost control over it. For you, that's scarier than feeling like you're the one with the problem.

Another way to look at it is that a huge inferiority complex is the flip side of a huge superiority complex. You may feel like you suck but you suck really really badly so it's a feeling of power. The reality is that you don't suck. You're just normal. It can be very scary to accept that you are just normal.