Found out that my son is gay
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Anonymous
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My son is a high school senior, and for about a year I've been concerned about drug use. I've monitored some of his social media use and searched his room periodically. The drug thing seems to have stabilized (he seems to be smoking pot some but no longer doing it as frequently and not doing other drugs). But -- I inadvertently found out through text messages that he was planning to hook up with a guy from his school and that he was discussing other guys at some length with a female friend.
Lots of people will think I'm a bad parent for snooping, and that may be true (there's a lot of addiction in my family, so drugs scare me), but leaving that aside for a moment I have some questions. DW and I are straight but not homophobic. We have gay and lesbian friends and family, so I don't think DS thinks we'd have a super negative reaction to him being gay or bi. 1. DS hasn't shared anything about relationships/attraction with us since he briefly dated a girl years ago and he is definitely not out to us. So, I don't think I can tell his mom, right? If I were him, I don't think I would not want my dad to tell my mom if I hadn't told her. On the other hand, I'm worried about some stuff (see below), and I wonder if I need to tell her so that we can move forward on the same page. 2. His doctor's practice makes a big deal about providing safe confidential ways for gay and straight kids (even those not seen by the practice) to reach out for advice and medical issues. DS mentioned referring a friend who was attracted to boys and had questions, so I assume DS is getting his questions answered and hearing advice about safe sex. How can I reinforce safety and making good choices? 3. It makes me sad that DS doesn't feel like he can share what's going on with him, and I really don't understand it. I'm going back over comments that I've made to him over the last couple of years trying to figure out if I've ever said things that were hurtful to him or made him feel like we wouldn't accept him. Any feedback people have about when/why they came out to their families would be great. 4. For many years, he participated in an extra curricular activity that probably didn't involve the most gay friendly kids and parents. He quit a while ago, but is thinking about getting involved again. His mom is kinda pushing that idea, but now I wonder if that's a mistake. I'm telling her that we need to just let him decide, but I wonder if I should say something more direct. 5. I had a close friend many years ago who much older and gay (i.e. an adult when Stonewall happened). I think I was one of the only straight people he was out to at the time we were friends, and he told a lot of stories of what it was like to be gay at that time. Thinking over them now makes me terrified. Intellectually, I know the world is really different now, but emotionally I feel like I have a whole new set of things to worry about (homophobia, violence, depression, suicide, loneliness). I'm just wondering how to come to terms with that and not overreact. 6. He has said to us previously that most people his age don't date, they just hook up. And, he clearly had made plans to hook up with this guy, not to date. I'm really concerned about this attitude and uncomfortable with it. It seems unsafe and irresponsible, especially when potentially combined with drugs and alcohol. Given that he's not out to us, what I can I do to encourage responsible choices and to help him be safe? |
Anonymous
| He sounds like a pretty normal kid. He’ll come out to you eventually and you may not share what you found by snooping (but you knew that already). |
Anonymous
| Be an adult. Admit to snooping and have an open conversation about all of it. |
Anonymous
| I think you can encourage safer choices without talking about whether he’s gay or not. You can offhandedly say that many of your thoughts (all except birth control) apply regardless whether partner is boy or girl so your son realizes you wouldnt be shocked or outraged either way. ITs up to him whether or when he comes to you about it and you just have to accept that and try not to take it personally. |
Anonymous
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A lot of kids don’t come out to their parents until later. Sometimes it’s about fear of rejection. Sometimes it’s because they know they’re gay inside, but they need some kind of experience to solidify their sexual preference so they can say with certainty. Most people, especially older people, will ask how they can know they’re gay if they haven’t been with anyone yet.
Basically, you’re worrying about normal relationship worries everyone has about their kids. Like PP said, aside from birth control, it’s mostly the same issues re: sex. We all care about kids making safe choices, emotional issues, if they’ll be accepted by peers, if they’ll find good matches, etc. Sex and drugs should be an ongoing conversation topic, not just a one time discussion. The next time a safety talk opportunity presents itself, maybe throw out a “whomever you have a relationship with” or “he or she” instead of “some lucky girl” type of talk. Don’t go overboard, but show him you’re open to the idea of him being gay. Make sure you’re not being heteronormative in all your language and actions anymore. Hopefully he’s seen that all along, but I’m guessing he probably only heard you and your wife talk about his future partner in heterosexual terms. Kids fear rejection from parents. It’s normal to keep this part of himself private until he feels safe and comfortable sharing it with you. |
Anonymous
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He might not necessarily be gay. I know we live in a time where all men are required to clearly identify as gay or straight or they cannot be trusted, but men have a spectrum just like women.
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Anonymous
| He will come out to you when he’s ready. And like a pp said, he may need time to be sure. When I was a high school teacher, I had a few students come out to me as the first adult they came out to. It’s likely he’ll come out to other people before you. I would just wait but continue to have open communication. You could tell his mother, but only if you think she’d keep quiet and let him lead that conversation. |
Anonymous
| He probably doesn’t know he is gay. He is figuring it out. Maybe he isn’t. Try not to overthink it. Try to reinforce messages of safety and responsibility without any indication of anything in particular. I personally would probably not mention that it’s important regardless of male or female partner because he undoubtedly knows that and there is little chance it won’t come out sounding highly loaded. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like an 18 year old who deserves some privacy. |
Anonymous
| Don’t admit to snooping but you were being a good parent and had good intentions by doing so. My risk taking 21 year old needed me to snoop on her at 14-16 to keep her safe. She doesn’t know and doesn’t need to know I did it. You’re a good dad and your heart is obviously in the righ place. Only talk to m if you’re sure she won’t say anything. I’d probably not. |
Anonymous
Well, he can at least recommend his son use a condom! |
Anonymous
In these times, kids are not necessarily mandated to receive privacy. They can be involved in all sorts of things, particularly drugs, or some serious stuff on the web, depression, etc. I applaud parents who make an effort to do what they need to do. We've learned from a lot of overdoses and mass murders that parenting kids is not the same as it was years ago. Wake up. |
Anonymous
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Your first concern should be his mental health and keeping communication open. Do not tell him you snooped.
Tell him he is at an age where you want to have a talk. Tell him that regardless of whether or not he goes to college, succeeds or doesn’t graduate, gets a speeding ticket or a dwi, gets arrested for possession of pot, falls in love with someone or is with someone different each week, that you will always love him and have his back because you are his dad. No choice he can make will change that. You are rooting for him and are in his corner. He can count on you to be there for him. He may face repercussions in life but he will never lose your love. It’s a message any 18 year old can benefit from hearing. |
Anonymous
| I just saw this thread is three weeks old. OP do you have an update? |
Anonymous
| Just go to him and say “This is a random thought but are you gay?” |