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[quote=Anonymous]My son is a high school senior, and for about a year I've been concerned about drug use.  I've monitored some of his social media use and searched his room periodically.  The drug thing seems to have stabilized (he seems to be smoking pot some but no longer doing it as frequently and not doing other drugs).  But -- I inadvertently found out through text messages that he was planning to hook up with a guy from his school and that he was discussing other guys at some length with a female friend.

Lots of people will think I'm a bad parent for snooping, and that may be true (there's a lot of addiction in my family, so drugs scare me), but leaving that aside for a moment I have some questions.  DW and I are straight but not homophobic.  We have gay and lesbian friends and family, so I don't think DS thinks we'd have a super negative reaction to him being gay or bi.

1. DS hasn't shared anything about relationships/attraction with us since he briefly dated a girl years ago and he is definitely not out to us.  So, I don't think I can tell his mom, right?  If I were him, I don't think I would not want my dad to tell my mom if I hadn't told her.  On the other hand, I'm worried about some stuff (see below), and I wonder if I need to tell her so that we can move forward on the same page.

2. His doctor's practice makes a big deal about providing safe confidential ways for gay and straight kids (even those not seen by the practice) to reach out for advice and medical issues.  DS mentioned referring a friend who was attracted to boys and had questions, so I assume DS is getting his questions answered and hearing advice about safe sex.  How can I reinforce safety and making good choices?

3. It makes me sad that DS doesn't feel like he can share what's going on with him, and I really don't understand it.  I'm going back over comments that I've made to him over the last couple of years trying to figure out if I've ever said things that were hurtful to him or made him feel like we wouldn't accept him.  Any feedback people have about when/why they came out to their families would be great.

4. For many years, he participated in an extra curricular activity that probably didn't involve the most gay friendly kids and parents.  He quit a while ago, but is thinking about getting involved again.  His mom is kinda pushing that idea, but now I wonder if that's a mistake.  I'm telling her that we need to just let him decide, but I wonder if I should say something more direct.

5.  I had a close friend many years ago who much older and gay (i.e. an adult when Stonewall happened). I think I was one of the only straight people he was out to at the time we were friends, and he told a lot of stories of what it was like to be gay at that time.  Thinking over them now makes me terrified.  Intellectually, I know the world is really different now, but emotionally I feel like I have a whole new set of things to worry about (homophobia, violence, depression, suicide, loneliness).  I'm just wondering how to come to terms with that and not overreact.

6. He has said to us previously that most people his age don't date, they just hook up.  And, he clearly had made plans to hook up with this guy, not to date.  I'm really concerned about this attitude and uncomfortable with it.  It seems unsafe and irresponsible, especially when potentially combined with drugs and alcohol.  Given that he's not out to us, what I can I do to encourage responsible choices and to help him be safe?

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