How to do the day-to-day after a betrayal?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
DH betrayed my trust in a big way (finances, not sex). I'm angry and sad. We have a plan to fix the immediate problem but there is long term damage to our family goals. Realistically I can't trust him with our money and will probably have to monitor accounts and spending for the rest of our lives together. I don't want a divorce, because I love him but also because I think dealing with him as a semi-functional single parent would be harder than having him here where I can see him.
He's a good dad and we enjoy being around each other. I can't be mad forever, but I also feel like I'm letting him off the hook by not acting mad right now. How do you have a healthy home life and personal life without forgetting that this person can't be trusted with certain things? |
Anonymous
|
Are you the OP of the thread about the DH who maxed out credit cards and you only found out when you guys applied for a mortgage? |
Anonymous
| Gambling? |
Anonymous
Yep, that's me. |
Anonymous
|
I’d say first you need to change how you view finances. From now on ALL the money goes into a joint account that both of you can monitor. Only leave enough in there to cover the household expenses. Transfer the rest to savings.
DH has to devote his “fun” money towards paying his debts. If he is this irresponsible, you can’t afford to have separate accounts. He could blow up HALF your family’s household income!!! Seriously, how are you going to pay the mortgage if he spends his whole paycheck on something ridiculous? You also need to check his credit report every single month, as if he was a middle schooler figuring out checking accounts for the first time. It sucks. |
Anonymous
|
What do you mean “probably have to monitor accounts and spending?” Yes, that needs to happen. Do you have a plan to do so with him? If not, set up a plan to do so. Make it a weekly meeting. Have a structure.
That’s where you put this anger. I don’t mean you have to be a b*tch when you meet. What you do is focus the energy into setting up new monitoring habits with him. You don’t let him off the hook in that area. He might not like it, but oh well. That’s what happens when you break trust with money. In setting up some type of weekly meeting with him to plan and review spending, it frees you up to relax during the day to day interactions. |
Anonymous
|
Thanks. I meant the relationship day-to-day. I'm not going to stomp around mad and act cold. We're going to have date nights. I've found it all too easy to slip back into normal happy home life even though I just found out a day or two ago about this crap. I'm not sure if that is healthy forgiveness, or being a sucker.
Like, let's say he had set the house on fire by doing something stupid. He's sorry, and I love him, but also what the hell is wrong with him? I don't know how to act. |
Anonymous
I think it’s fine to be all over the place right now. I’m in a sort of similar situation, but at work: I work very closely with another person at work (principal/asst principal) at a school. Asst principal lied and broke trust recently. And we still have to work together. I’m really pissed, but I can’t stay in that place everyday. It’s exhausting. So I just take it day by day. Some days I’m really friendly and relaxed, and other days I’m feeling like I need to protect myself and am not as engaged. OP, give yourself permission to enjoy time with your spouse and family. It doesn’t mean you’re a sucker. And if you need to take some space for yourself or you find yourself feeling resentful, take that space. “I’m going out for coffee. You’ve got dinner with the kids. See you in a bit.” Hang in there. |
Anonymous
Thank you, this is helpful. |
Anonymous
| Are you seeing a marriage counselor? If not, I’d make an appointment as soon as possible. This is a tough situation, and it would be really helpful to have a third party professional help you both navigate this. S/he can help set up some guardrails for how you’ll interact with one another and help unpack what led to this happening. |
Anonymous
|
So I read your post in the money forum. Yeah, you need to get to a therapist with him ASAP. No exceptions. He sat there and lied to you. He has a problem. If the underlying issue of why this happened is not dealt with by a professional, I promise it will happen again. One condition for you staying with him is that he attends therapy and does the work to figure why this happened. That isn’t a non-negotiable. If you’re not willing to make this a condition or if he is unwilling to attend, then the marriage is over. Promises to do better are not and will not be enough.
Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
|
This is what happened:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/787325.page |
Anonymous
|
You are very controlling and have significant marital issues. This is the problem. He is rebeling against it. The tone of your writing is very condescending.
How did you not know where these things were coming from if they were family expenses? |
Anonymous
Yes, she has significant marital issues. Your comments that he's rebelling and she's condescending are working hard to identify her as the problem. When someone goes so far as to lie about debt and alter documents, then lie about the lies - that's where the problem epicenter "lies." OP is part of the problem in that she's trying to control something that's out of control. More than that, it's beyond her ability to control. Bottom line: she and her husband have never really been on the same page with honesty and finances. |
Anonymous
No, that isn't me. This is me: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/786991.page DH buys collectibles. I knew he had a lot - the storage space is a point of contention in our marriage - but I had no idea they were expensive or that they were bought on unpaid credit. He did lie. We will see a marriage counselor but he and I both believe this is an addiction problem. |