Being a teen class clown is getting very dangerous in school

[Anonymous]

My son has always liked to draw attention to himself. But now in eighth grade he has used what the school system considers offensive language and his teacher is repeatedly making claims of sexual harassment. Recently he made a comment about a girl having her menstrual period and the teacher overheard the comment and pursued sexual harassment against him. I am utterly at a loss to get him to be able to control not saying these words and not needing the jolt of attention he gets from his classmates for saying them. We have spoken about it over and over and he just doesn’t seem to be able to reign it in at this point. He does have executive functioning issues and ADHD and there’s a lot going on. Has anyone dealt with this and found any meaningful and concise treatment for reining in speech related behaviors? Therapy is pretty slow going in terms of realizing what he’s feeling underneath that causes him to want to do this. I guess I’m looking for another route which teaches self-control and restraint effectively and quickly. The public schools are becoming a very dangerous place to be if you have loose lips. Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

What are his consequences at home for such behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has always liked to draw attention to himself. But now in eighth grade he has used what the school system considers offensive language and his teacher is repeatedly making claims of sexual harassment. Recently he made a comment about a girl having her menstrual period and the teacher overheard the comment and pursued sexual harassment against him. I am utterly at a loss to get him to be able to control not saying these words and not needing the jolt of attention he gets from his classmates for saying them. We have spoken about it over and over and he just doesn’t seem to be able to reign it in at this point. He does have executive functioning issues and ADHD and there’s a lot going on. Has anyone dealt with this and found any meaningful and concise treatment for reining in speech related behaviors? Therapy is pretty slow going in terms of realizing what he’s feeling underneath that causes him to want to do this. I guess I’m looking for another route which teaches self-control and restraint effectively and quickly. The public schools are becoming a very dangerous place to be if you have loose lips. Any ideas?

I've got kids in MS/HS and a DH with ADHD and executive functioning issues. What you've posted is not that. As an 8th grader, your DS is old enough to understand what is offensive, what isn't and what sexual harassment is. The ways to get attention that are not offensive/sexual in nature are endless. You seem to lack empathy for his victims.

As the PP asked, what are you doing at home? What consequences has he earned? They need to be swift and significant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son has always liked to draw attention to himself. But now in eighth grade he has used what the school system considers offensive language and his teacher is repeatedly making claims of sexual harassment. Recently he made a comment about a girl having her menstrual period and the teacher overheard the comment and pursued sexual harassment against him. I am utterly at a loss to get him to be able to control not saying these words and not needing the jolt of attention he gets from his classmates for saying them. We have spoken about it over and over and he just doesn’t seem to be able to reign it in at this point. He does have executive functioning issues and ADHD and there’s a lot going on. Has anyone dealt with this and found any meaningful and concise treatment for reining in speech related behaviors? Therapy is pretty slow going in terms of realizing what he’s feeling underneath that causes him to want to do this. I guess I’m looking for another route which teaches self-control and restraint effectively and quickly. The public schools are becoming a very dangerous place to be if you have loose lips. Any ideas?

Making fun of a girl for having her period is bullying, it's not "class clown" behavior. His teacher isn't "making claims of sexual harassment" she's accurately describing what she sees.

So the first step to him being able to understand is you being able to understand, and using accurate language when you talk to him.

If you think he's reinforced by attention, then look for a consequence that separates him from that attention, whether it's something at home (e.g. loss of phone, and grounding) or from school (e.g. suspension, in school suspension).

[Anonymous]

My suggestion is to meet with the school counselor and work together on this. If he is impulsive, it is very hard for something you say at home to stick with him at school. And contrary to what a PP said, it actually is somewhat typical for ADHD kids to make inappropriate comments -- they don't filter the way other kids do. Often, they are 2-3 years behind their peers socially and they are looking for attention; when kids laugh, they view that as positive attention, so they continue the behaviors. You really need to work with the school, his therapist, and doctor to help with that.

Is he on medication for his ADHD? If not, it may be time to pursue that option. If he is on medication, you should consider whether it should be adjusted.

I completely understand the desire to punish the behavior, and you certainly can do so, but it likely won't make your son any better at filtering/thinking before he speaks. Essentially, you punish to make yourself feel like you are doing something and to be able to tell others that you are doing something, but punishing your son isn't going to fix this problem.

[Anonymous]

Please make certain you are not sending your son mixed messages about this behavior. You say the teacher is making harassment claims against him. He is the one harassing. Please don't see this as something that is being done to him. It is his behavior that needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

I want to sympathize with you, but I'm finding it really hard to. I wonder if you're giving your son permission to be a jerk under the guise of funny? Be careful. Maybe his teacher is overreacting, but life will not be kind to him like this either way, so he better learn now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son has always liked to draw attention to himself. But now in eighth grade he has used what the school system considers offensive language and his teacher is repeatedly making claims of sexual harassment. Recently he made a comment about a girl having her menstrual period and the teacher overheard the comment and pursued sexual harassment against him. I am utterly at a loss to get him to be able to control not saying these words and not needing the jolt of attention he gets from his classmates for saying them. We have spoken about it over and over and he just doesn’t seem to be able to reign it in at this point. He does have executive functioning issues and ADHD and there’s a lot going on. Has anyone dealt with this and found any meaningful and concise treatment for reining in speech related behaviors? Therapy is pretty slow going in terms of realizing what he’s feeling underneath that causes him to want to do this. I guess I’m looking for another route which teaches self-control and restraint effectively and quickly. The public schools are becoming a very dangerous place to be if you have loose lips. Any ideas?

Making fun of a girl for having her period is bullying, it's not "class clown" behavior. His teacher isn't "making claims of sexual harassment" she's accurately describing what she sees.

So the first step to him being able to understand is you being able to understand, and using accurate language when you talk to him.

If you think he's reinforced by attention, then look for a consequence that separates him from that attention, whether it's something at home (e.g. loss of phone, and grounding) or from school (e.g. suspension, in school suspension).

It is crude and inappropriate, but without more I don't agree that it is bullying or sexual harassment.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like his behavior is targeting others to get a laugh at their expense. That isn't being a class clown. It is behavior that calls for discipline. I don't understand why you would say it is dngerous for your son.

[Anonymous]

Misogyny and bullying are dangerous and I am glad schools are clamping down..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion is to meet with the school counselor and work together on this. If he is impulsive, it is very hard for something you say at home to stick with him at school. And contrary to what a PP said, it actually is somewhat typical for ADHD kids to make inappropriate comments -- they don't filter the way other kids do. Often, they are 2-3 years behind their peers socially and they are looking for attention; when kids laugh, they view that as positive attention, so they continue the behaviors. You really need to work with the school, his therapist, and doctor to help with that.

Is he on medication for his ADHD? If not, it may be time to pursue that option. If he is on medication, you should consider whether it should be adjusted.

I completely understand the desire to punish the behavior, and you certainly can do so, but it likely won't make your son any better at filtering/thinking before he speaks. Essentially, you punish to make yourself feel like you are doing something and to be able to tell others that you are doing something, but punishing your son isn't going to fix this problem.

OP, above is the post you need to read. This is a high-risk time period for kids with certain special needs, and if handled poorly can result in cumulative disasters up to and including no high school diploma and juvenile justice involvement. But his disability issues also have to be considered--not meaning he gets to do whatever, but that the approach to such behavior is individualized. Social skills training that includes school/society's rules about serious issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My suggestion is to meet with the school counselor and work together on this. If he is impulsive, it is very hard for something you say at home to stick with him at school. And contrary to what a PP said, it actually is somewhat typical for ADHD kids to make inappropriate comments -- they don't filter the way other kids do. Often, they are 2-3 years behind their peers socially and they are looking for attention; when kids laugh, they view that as positive attention, so they continue the behaviors. You really need to work with the school, his therapist, and doctor to help with that.

Is he on medication for his ADHD? If not, it may be time to pursue that option. If he is on medication, you should consider whether it should be adjusted.

I completely understand the desire to punish the behavior, and you certainly can do so, but it likely won't make your son any better at filtering/thinking before he speaks. Essentially, you punish to make yourself feel like you are doing something and to be able to tell others that you are doing something, but punishing your son isn't going to fix this problem.

OP, above is the post you need to read. This is a high-risk time period for kids with certain special needs, and if handled poorly can result in cumulative disasters up to and including no high school diploma and juvenile justice involvement. But his disability issues also have to be considered--not meaning he gets to do whatever, but that the approach to such behavior is individualized. Social skills training that includes school/society's rules about serious issues.

OP I agree. We've been in your shoes. It is very challenging to raise such kids in today's environment of hyper-PC-ness. PP gives some good advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like his behavior is targeting others to get a laugh at their expense. That isn't being a class clown. It is behavior that calls for discipline. I don't understand why you would say it is dngerous for your son.

Parents of kids with special needs know very well that schools can indeed be profoundly dangerous places for their kids just because they may have a very hard time understanding/following norms--written AND unwritten rules--even though they need to learn/develop the capacity to do so.

Sometimes people delivering punishment will say "He needs to learn . . ." Yes, exactly. And this may be a kid for whom some kinds of learning, including social learning, needs to be delivered in an individualized way.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to feel like you are taking this seriously when your subject line says "class clown" instead of right off the bat saying ADHD. Many parents writing on this forum have said that while they recognize their children's behavoir is related to their diagnosis, they still maintain a firm line on what is acceptable behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's hard to feel like you are taking this seriously when your subject line says "class clown" instead of right off the bat saying ADHD. Many parents writing on this forum have said that while they recognize their children's behavoir is related to their diagnosis, they still maintain a firm line on what is acceptable behavior.

NP. My class clown (ADHD) DS has had some scary moments in school too, with "jokes" that the school called sexual harassment. I was pretty terrified for my son, but other family members thought suspension was well-deserved. A firm line on what is acceptable behavior? We do have a firm line, but when other kids laugh, is he thinking of his parents in that moment?

OP's job is two-fold: teach her son appropriate behavior and protect him from the school system. No one else will.