Introvert spouse

[Anonymous]

I love my spouse but he is a very private person. I love meeting new people and when I make new friends they often ask if we want to get together with spouses or they invite us as a family to dinner, parties or gatherings. But DH really would rather stay home and study. I understand that but this attitude creates misunderstandings and potentially is jeopardizing my new friendships. Most of the time I end up going to social gatherings by myself but it is not very enjoyable. How could I convince him, at least once in a while, to try meeting new people?

[Anonymous]

Two words: blow job

[Anonymous]

You didn’t know before you got married?

[Anonymous]

First of all, if you love meeting new people, etc. why is it so not enjoyable to be with other people just because your husband isn’t around? I don’t understand how him not participating isjeapordizing your friendships? Are you going to these things and being miserable because he’s not there and you’re worries about what other people think? If that’s the case, you need to go and enjoy yourself, and not apologize for being there alone.

You can’t “convince him”, of anything, but you can let him know that his attending events on occasion is important to YOU as his partner. You then compromise and find an acceptable number of events that he can/will attend with you. You also then respect his need for time alone.

Now, when you say he would prefer to stay home and study, is this something extra that he is doing on top of regular life? Doing an MBA or whatever on top of having a job, etc. is no joke, and maybe he really does feel the need to focus and study more often than you would prefer.

You also need to be a grownup and understand that your friendships are yours, and your husbands extroversion and introversion have nothing to Do with you. In fact, it’s healthy to have friends of your own.

[Anonymous]

My parents are like this. My dad, very going, extrovert, whole 9 yards. My mom needs her quiet time. They do go out together, but my mom might just stay some one night and let my dad go out with out her a couple of times. You have to find your balance. It could be you go out together, and he goes home early. Or you go out together 2 nights, and the 3rd night you go without him and let him recharge at home. Be respectful of his needs, and hopefully he'll be respectful of yours, too. Don't denigrate his needs or try to change them. You won't win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love my spouse but he is a very private person. I love meeting new people and when I make new friends they often ask if we want to get together with spouses or they invite us as a family to dinner, parties or gatherings. But DH really would rather stay home and study. I understand that but this attitude creates misunderstandings and potentially is jeopardizing my new friendships. Most of the time I end up going to social gatherings by myself but it is not very enjoyable. How could I convince him, at least once in a while, to try meeting new people?

Do you have kids?

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert. Here is what we do. When we are first getting to know another couple, we both go. So if Sally and Sam's daughter Stella goes to school with our daughter and they invite us over for dinner, we both go. Then we reciprocate and host them at our place. He participates in those things, and I try to ensure that the engagements are 2 hours long but not much longer because I know his limits. After that, once the friendship is established, I set up outings with the couple at times when DH can't come for whatever (true or untrue) reasons. For example, he has a hobby that other people we are friends with know about, and I schedule time with DD's friends to get her out of the house on the weekend so that he can work on that. Sometimes he will join for a meal afterward, other times not.

I think a lot really depends on your spouse, whether you have kids or not, and what kind of social engagements you're setting up. Yes, it is weird if I hang out with someone and NEVER meet their partner at events where other people's partners are in attendance. If you do not have children, I think it is weird if one spouse goes out with couples and the other one stays home. The key is for both of you to have some flexibility in your expectations of the other. DH knows that if there is some kind of event that is TRULY important to me, I will tell him that it's really important to me that he attend and then he will make an effort. But I don't do that very often because honestly, he is not particularly pleasant when he is forced to be in social situations he doesn't want to be in, and when we get home later, he always wants space to decompress, which sometimes is MORE exhausting for me than if I'd gone with DD alone and come home to a DH who had a bunch of alone time and is ready to dive in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, if you love meeting new people, etc. why is it so not enjoyable to be with other people just because your husband isn’t around? I don’t understand how him not participating isjeapordizing your friendships? Are you going to these things and being miserable because he’s not there and you’re worries about what other people think? If that’s the case, you need to go and enjoy yourself, and not apologize for being there alone.

You can’t “convince him”, of anything, but you can let him know that his attending events on occasion is important to YOU as his partner. You then compromise and find an acceptable number of events that he can/will attend with you. You also then respect his need for time alone.

Now, when you say he would prefer to stay home and study, is this something extra that he is doing on top of regular life? Doing an MBA or whatever on top of having a job, etc. is no joke, and maybe he really does feel the need to focus and study more often than you would prefer.

You also need to be a grownup and understand that your friendships are yours, and your husbands extroversion and introversion have nothing to Do with you. In fact, it’s healthy to have friends of your own.

I agree with a lot of this.

I am the introvert in my relationship, and I really struggle with understanding why my husband needs me at events in order to find them enjoyable. Particularly since he doesn’t usually even hang out with me very much when we are there.
I have come to realize that it makes him happy when he sees me talking or telling a story to a group of people, making people laugh, etc. That it gives him the same warm fuzzy feeling that I get when I see him read our children a story. That there is something about seeing someone you love doing something you love that is more powerful than just doing it on your own.

Anyway, I agree that you can’t “make him,” but maybe you can share how important it is to you and what you are hoping to get out of him being there. In the end, I am sure that he loves you and wants to make you happy. He probably just doesn’t understand why this would make you happy.

[Anonymous]

I wrote a similar post a few years ago and got eviscerated. DH was always an introvert but enjoyed social activities and parties when we were dating and first got married. Fast forward fifteen years and he has a much more demanding job and wants his evenings and weekends to decompress since the effort of being outgoing and engaging all week is draining for him. I totally get that but it does impact us as a family.

Other couples and families like to do things as, you guessed it, couples or families. How many times will people invite us to get together when it's only me and my kids who show. Sooner or later the other husband is going to get tired of feeling like a third wheel without my spouse there. Or the other couples are gracious but take it personally that DH doesn't want to spend time with them or with his own family. We don't have family in the area, so having a circle of friends is important to me, and I think it's important for our kids.

It's hard, OP. I feel for you and wish I had answers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, if you love meeting new people, etc. why is it so not enjoyable to be with other people just because your husband isn’t around? I don’t understand how him not participating isjeapordizing your friendships? Are you going to these things and being miserable because he’s not there and you’re worries about what other people think? If that’s the case, you need to go and enjoy yourself, and not apologize for being there alone.

You can’t “convince him”, of anything, but you can let him know that his attending events on occasion is important to YOU as his partner. You then compromise and find an acceptable number of events that he can/will attend with you. You also then respect his need for time alone.

Now, when you say he would prefer to stay home and study, is this something extra that he is doing on top of regular life? Doing an MBA or whatever on top of having a job, etc. is no joke, and maybe he really does feel the need to focus and study more often than you would prefer.

You also need to be a grownup and understand that your friendships are yours, and your husbands extroversion and introversion have nothing to Do with you. In fact, it’s healthy to have friends of your own.

I agree with a lot of this.

I am the introvert in my relationship, and I really struggle with understanding why my husband needs me at events in order to find them enjoyable. Particularly since he doesn’t usually even hang out with me very much when we are there.
I have come to realize that it makes him happy when he sees me talking or telling a story to a group of people, making people laugh, etc. That it gives him the same warm fuzzy feeling that I get when I see him read our children a story. That there is something about seeing someone you love doing something you love that is more powerful than just doing it on your own.

Anyway, I agree that you can’t “make him,” but maybe you can share how important it is to you and what you are hoping to get out of him being there. In the end, I am sure that he loves you and wants to make you happy. He probably just doesn’t understand why this would make you happy.

There is something that really troubles me about this.

Loving your partner for reading to your children is enjoying the expression /sight of the love and happiness in the life you have created together.

Getting warm and fuzzy watching your talk to strangers, which is contrary to your personaliy, is basically saying he appreciates you most when you are exhibiting a personality trait that is not yours and he was able to strong arm you into it.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds really young. As you get older, you will realize that people suck and you are better off sticking to yourself and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wrote a similar post a few years ago and got eviscerated. DH was always an introvert but enjoyed social activities and parties when we were dating and first got married. Fast forward fifteen years and he has a much more demanding job and wants his evenings and weekends to decompress since the effort of being outgoing and engaging all week is draining for him. I totally get that but it does impact us as a family.

Other couples and families like to do things as, you guessed it, couples or families. How many times will people invite us to get together when it's only me and my kids who show. Sooner or later the other husband is going to get tired of feeling like a third wheel without my spouse there. Or the other couples are gracious but take it personally that DH doesn't want to spend time with them or with his own family. We don't have family in the area, so having a circle of friends is important to me, and I think it's important for our kids.

It's hard, OP. I feel for you and wish I had answers.

Join the country club and hang out with the doctors wives! Our husbands are never there either. You will feel right at home

[Anonymous]

Stay home and study—maybe he’s actually trying to do well in school, not just avoiding socializing. Especially if he’s working and going to school.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Thanks for your replies. He is not studying for school, just for his own interest. He was introverted also when I married him but I would say even more now that is getting older. What makes me uncomfortable during social gatherings is gossiping (some people never actually met my dh so there is a guessing game going on) and also the awkward feeling to be the only married spouse there alone. I will try to tell him that sometimes it is very important for me that we share some social events together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, Thanks for your replies. He is not studying for school, just for his own interest. He was introverted also when I married him but I would say even more now that is getting older. What makes me uncomfortable during social gatherings is gossiping (some people never actually met my dh so there is a guessing game going on) and also the awkward feeling to be the only married spouse there alone. I will try to tell him that sometimes it is very important for me that we share some social events together.

Sorry, why do you want to be fri nds with people who are gossips?

I’m kind of with your DH - I’d rather spend time learning about astrophysics that spending time with fake people and gossips.

And “trying” to tell him something is washing out. It’s either important to you, or it’s not. Hai reaction is moot. If this is important to you, you will find a way.m

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP sounds really young. As you get older, you will realize that people suck and you are better off sticking to yourself and your family.

This. We've found most outsiders end up being a threat to your relationship. I'm fortunate my spouse has some hobby friends and that's about it. We do everything with each other, our kids, and family.

Yes OP sounds very young.