SO disappointed my in laws are nutty

[Anonymous]

Reading the other thread is so hard. I got really really unlucky in the in law department. Mine are so nutty, racist, xenophobic,drunk and not...nice people.

I try my best to stay focused on the important thing, my husband and our marriage but its so painful that I'm related to them. MIL is threatened I'm taking her son away and is racist because I am not white. SIL hates me and has never tried to talk to me or get to know me. At our wedding I made her a bridesmaid...she never joined me in the bridal suite to hang or get dressed with us!! She only stood by me and then showed up to take pictures. Like...I have no words.

So as you can imagine we aren't close but its due to them. We see them once or thrice a year. And I'm sad my future kids will be raised in a dysfunctional family like this.

It would be easy to swallow if it wasn't so rubbed in my face that people DO get wonderful in laws! My younger sister is SO SO lucky, her in laws are just...the most wonderful, kind, inclusive, happy lovely people. They have accepted her as a daughter and are so thankful to her for being in BIL's life. I get filled with waves of intense sadness and jealousy when I hear how kind her MIL is for her. She is always texting with her, shopping together, getting advice from her. Her ILs love her and joke about how they'd rather trade her in for their son as she is so great.

I'm sick with jealousy and bitterness. Why didn't I deserve kinder in laws too? What is wrong with me?

[Anonymous]

Why did you marry your husband, knowing this about his family?

If you have a loving family, do you really need another one? My OWN family is nutty, OP. My MIL is the rational one.

You only have one life. It could be so much worse. Start looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty.

(and I have no problem with your SIL at your wedding - you're getting really nitpicky here)

[Anonymous]

Wow, aren't you a bitter betty?!

My husband got shit inlaws and I've never heard him complain about that once.

Do you have to spend time with racists? I don't spend time with anyone I don't want to, except coworkers. How does your husband feel about them?

Also, to reframe your thinking: maybe the universe spared you something else awful, like cancer or a horrific car accident that would have burned your face, and instead gave you shitty in-laws.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. I have in-laws that have been unwelcoming and cold. I have also thought about how good it would be to have nice and friendly in-laws.

I wouldn't bother with your SIL and I would cut down the visits to the MIL/FIL to once a year, even less. If they are openly racist I would stop visiting.

My MIL was a massive disruption to our marriage in the early years and that has gotten better with time not because of her but from us handling it better and keeping her on the outer.

It was a disruption that we could have lived without, she caused problems where she didn't need to and I probably won't forgive her for all her nastiness and the stress it caused.

So if I was you I would recognise that your in-laws won't change. Give up on them. It's really not worth the time or emotional energy to try with people like this.

I also understand that it sucks, it's not fair and it's irritating beyond belief that they can't just be normal and kind like I see with all my friends MIL's.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry - that's so unfair that someone would be so unkind to you, especially your own DH's family.

Live your best life and don't give them the chance to intrude on it.

If your DH insists on having contact with these people, well... that's a whole other problem.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it, and I’m sorry this has been your experience. BTDT.

What helped me (which may or may not help you) was to realize that I had gone most of my life without my in-laws. I hadn’t waited 20-something years for them feeling a sense of loss because I hadn’t met them yet. Good in-laws are nice to have but not necessary.

Then I focused on taking a break from the types of interactions that triggered me into irritation and rage. I won’t organize family dinners or buy the holiday gifts; my DH can do that for his family of origin. I can handle 1-3 dinners per year with polite detachment.

Last, I explored in therapy the ways in which my in-laws triggered me. What could I do to become more resilient? How could I let go?

Remember too that family is what you make it. For families who live far apart from loved ones, who have suffered loss from death or estrangement, building up support networks of non-related adults is often quite fulfilling. Parents’ friends, dear neighbors, members of a religious congregation, and others can be as supportive or more than difficult in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Are you surprised though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, aren't you a bitter betty?!

My husband got shit inlaws and I've never heard him complain about that once.

Do you have to spend time with racists? I don't spend time with anyone I don't want to, except coworkers. How does your husband feel about them?

Also, to reframe your thinking: maybe the universe spared you something else awful, like cancer or a horrific car accident that would have burned your face, and instead gave you shitty in-laws.

Prozac wearing off?!

[Anonymous]

So divorce your husband and get a new one with a better family.

Wait? Or did you marry because you really loved one specific guy? Find your priority. Him or what you wish he brought with him.

[Anonymous]

I think you are over estimating how many people have great relationships with thier inlaws. Even if they look good, you never really know what is going on that you do not see. My inlaws appear to be wonderful but at times treat me like dirt. I am on a lowere tier of family on the best of days.

Everyone has different experiences. You need to focus more on the positives, your relationship with the person you married and learn to tolerate the rest. Find the best way to deal,with it all. Maybe that is you do not attend some or all of his family functions. Maybe you agree with your husband how to limit interactions with them.