Is that a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

Hello,

I think my title is vague but I’ll explain.
I have been seeing someone for 6 months. I have an elementary school age kid and I am divorced. He has never had a real committed, relationship and has clearly expressed he now wants one with me. He’s told me he loves me and most things about him are great. We have chemistry, and have a whole lot in common. He’s really good to me, always cooks for me, gives me wonderful advice. He’s also super open to meeting my child and we’re talking about doing that next month. Lately, I have been asking him what are his goals in the long term. I asked if things continued to be great between us, would he want to live together in a year or so. I explained that after a couple of years of dating someone, I’d want/ expect to live together. He didn’t seem to like the idea. He went on talking about examples he’s heard from friends or clients who think cohabitation is a bad idea, etc... the whole convo was a bummer. He can be pretty pessimistic, so I am not surprised that was his response.
I said that after a couple of years, I don’t see myself continuing with packing bags, driving to his place, as I do now and doing sleepovers
I have been thinking about this and wonder if that is a deal breaker. Would that be for you? Should I hold off on having him meet my child?
Thank you for your advice!

[Anonymous]

OP here, sorry about typo and poor grammar. Having a hard time typing from my phone

[Anonymous]

I’m confused- so what is his long term plan? Never getting married? Just maintaining the status quo?

Answer depends on what you want for both you and your child. If you want to have two separate parts of your life where you keep a distance between your child and this guy, then status quo is fine. If you want one combined unit where you vacation together, live together and carry on like a family, then it’s a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

He may not believe in living together before marriage, but he may believe in marriage. See if you can get him to clarify a bit more on his cohabitation stance.

[Anonymous]

I’m a divorced woman and have learned to LOVE my own space. I’m not convinced any man would be able to talk me into living with him. Your boyfriend may be like me, just enjoying his own place. I have no problem with dating and sleepovers but have zero interest in cohabitation. It sounds like you’re looking for another marriage. He may not be looking toward marriage.

[Anonymous]

He’s never even had a serious girlfriend before? How old is he?

[Anonymous]

It is only a deal breaker if the two of you want completely different things. If you want this to head towards marriage and he doesn't', then it is a deal breaker.

Six months in is a bit early to be trying to get him to commit to where he will live in two years.

[Anonymous]

The long term plan with a child involved should be marriage. Run quick. He's never going to marry you.

[Anonymous]

Op here. Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I’m certainly not trying to do any of it now. Trying to figure out if we eventually want the same kind of relationship. And I am not worried about getting remarried. I just know that I’d like to one day live with a partner. To answer someone else, he’s in his late 30’s and has been very open about not being interested in a serious relationship before. He wants to try now.
But, thanks again for the responses!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may not believe in living together before marriage, but he may believe in marriage. See if you can get him to clarify a bit more on his cohabitation stance.

+1

It wasn’t clear if you were looking to get married again someday and saw cohabitation as a step or never want to get married again but would want to live together. Personally most people I know divorced with young kids either date but keep separate residences or end up getting engaged if they move in with the significant other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He may not believe in living together before marriage, but he may believe in marriage. See if you can get him to clarify a bit more on his cohabitation stance.

why didn't he bring that up right then? No live together, yes marriage. Not just No live together. That implies yes screw around only.

[Anonymous]

I think you are getting ahead of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are getting ahead of yourself.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are getting way ahead of yourself. You’ve been with someone for 6 months and are mentioning living together. That would be a dealbreaker if I were the guy. Besides, you have NO business living with someone if you have a kid. None whatsoever. Your lack of maturity should be another dealbreaker for this guy.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like, from your perspective, a long-term committed relationship involves living together.

What is his perspective on a long-term committed relationship? What does that look like to him, say, ten years in? If it looks like "dating" to him, that sounds like it is very incompatible with what you want, and you won't be happy with him long term.

But maybe it *does* look like living together, but he feels like he needs more time to be sure about *you*. That's fine, but I think it's important that he articulates that.

And yes, I'd figure this out before you introduce kids. If you are both shooting toward the same place but are still figuring out exactly what the timeline of commitment might look like, that's one thing. But if you really have incompatible directions, then maybe you are not the right folks for each other.