asking inlaws to not swoop in

[Anonymous]

DH and I have the typical dynamic of him being blind to a lot of the domestic work and periodically this explodes and we need to reset. So many people say the best way to do this is to leave for a few days so the less engaged partner has to do it all and appreciate the labor that goes into keeping a household running smoothly / the exhaustion of having to start childcare and dinner prep the minute you walk in the door from work etc.

The problem is that whenever I attempt to do this (need to travel for a couple days for work, go visit a friend for a weekend) DH will call his parents who will fly in no matter how last minute and literally do everything for him so he has no responsibility (beyond work if it's during the week) at all.

There's no way to ask my ILs to not do this is there? I'm not looking to "punish" DH or prevent him from having breaks, more just want him to occasionally experience the work of fully managing the home front so when we need to renegotiate he goes into it appreciating what work is actually on the table.

[Anonymous]

What if you do it more last minute? Like, "hey Larla invited me to a late afternoon movie tomorrow and then we're going to do dinner." It will be a smaller scale of entertaining the kids/dinner/bedtime, but might be a good break for you.

[Anonymous]

Oh my. That’s absurd.

[Anonymous]

I think you are going about this wrong. You should discuss sharing more of the responsibilities in your day to day and be clear on specific tasks that are his.

I would not prevent the ILs from helping. You may think you will prove a point by making him suffer but unless you address the root cause I don't think you will get very far with your DH.

[Anonymous]

Um, you guys needs marriage counseling. And please don't have any more kids with this guy until you are both able to communicate as adults.

[Anonymous]

I've never thought this was great advice. My DH would watch the kids and eat out. He wouldn't clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, go shopping, or any of the other tasks to make him see what it's really like. The guy who would do those things is the guy who is pulling his weight already.

To answer your question, no, you cannot tell your in-laws not to visit their son if you are not home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never thought this was great advice. My DH would watch the kids and eat out. He wouldn't clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, go shopping, or any of the other tasks to make him see what it's really like. The guy who would do those things is the guy who is pulling his weight already.

To answer your question, no, you cannot tell your in-laws not to visit their son if you are not home.

Yeah, my DH keeps the kids alive and that's about it. The house would be a complete disaster when I returned. Then he would expect a huge amount of appreciation for what he did while I was gone.

[Anonymous]

No, there's no way to ask your ILs not to do this. If they want to come and visit/help him, that's their choice. They can always say "no." His relationship with them is separate from your shared relationship with them. They can see each other wherever/whenever, as long as it doesn't involve you (when you're gone, it doesn't) and as long as they are good to your kids (I'm assuming they are.)

Is it absurd that he's calling upon them to come help every time? Yes. But you don't have a right to insert yourself into their relationship/travel/willingness to help.

What you CAN change:

1) Stop cooking dinner on Saturday night, or whatever night works best for you. He can cook, heat up leftovers, buy takeout, whatever. If he doesn't appear to be putting together any type of food, make yourself a bowl of cereal, and direct all requests for dinner from your kids to Daddy.

2) Write up a list of what you will be doing/when and present it to him. Tell him he needs to fill in the gaps. If he wants to discuss/negotiate, fine; he can schedule a time to meet with you and hash it out. But until then, this is what you're doing, and this is what you're not doing.

[Anonymous]

Be glad you don’t have the opposite.

My friend’s dh, when he gets the chance to take over, does a SUPERB job. Then holds it against her how easy it was to do / how he got extra jobs done like “I even steam cleaned the whole house!”

Also be grateful you have a set of GPs that can come help, and that you get a break. My parents and ILs are now deteriorating healthwise. Or otherwise encumbered with their own responsibilities. we had one break last year and I was nervous the whole time.

*nothing against you op. When I was reading your post I kinda thought you and I have the same train of thought. I would type what you did if I were on your situation! I just..am not and wish I had more help.

[Anonymous]

Start smaller, like one day, have something scheduled where you have to leave the house before the kids do. Then he has to get the kids up and run through morning routine. Give it a break and later schedule something in the evenings when he has to handle dinner and bedtime for him and the kids. Besides, it's easier for him to learn in smaller chunks rather than trying to handle a whole weekend or a 3 day trip.

Not only are you less likely to have disaster days where a lot is missed or wrong, but it's a better learning experience. If he just handles the morning routine and gets the kids to school, he's more likely to remember A, B and C that went wrong and be able to talk to you about it at dinner that night. If you leave for a 3 day business trip, but the time you get back, so many things have happened and it's been so long that he might not remember the things he needs to talk to you about.

If you do it on a smaller scale one day here, one day there, it is harder for his parents to schedule a swoop-in visit when it's just for a Tuesday morning or a Thursday evening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, you guys needs marriage counseling. And please don't have any more kids with this guy until you are both able to communicate as adults.

THIS!!!!
You are trying to do a. End run instead of having a grown up conversation.
PLUS, If shit gets done whine you are gone who cares who does , be it your inlaws or the Smurfs????
What you want is less burdensome distribution of labor and tasks while you are home, HENCE A GRIWN UP CONVERSATION-EMPHASIS ON GROWNUP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start smaller, like one day, have something scheduled where you have to leave the house before the kids do. Then he has to get the kids up and run through morning routine. Give it a break and later schedule something in the evenings when he has to handle dinner and bedtime for him and the kids. Besides, it's easier for him to learn in smaller chunks rather than trying to handle a whole weekend or a 3 day trip.

Not only are you less likely to have disaster days where a lot is missed or wrong, but it's a better learning experience. If he just handles the morning routine and gets the kids to school, he's more likely to remember A, B and C that went wrong and be able to talk to you about it at dinner that night. If you leave for a 3 day business trip, but the time you get back, so many things have happened and it's been so long that he might not remember the things he needs to talk to you about.

If you do it on a smaller scale one day here, one day there, it is harder for his parents to schedule a swoop-in visit when it's just for a Tuesday morning or a Thursday evening.

If hubby does not do any of the things OP feels needs to get done how the eff us sneaking out going to make him have some sort of amazing revelation that it needs to get done and he needs to do it ??????
Op needs to sit down with her partner and discuss what the general household duties are as discuss how they can both get these completed .
A general distribution of duties that sometimes one person does more and sometimes less. But if it is his day to cook , shut up if he orders take out, if everyone is fed, goal accomplished.
But pleaseeeeee, talk instead of trying to drop 7th grade clues that do not work.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you’re trying to teach your husband a lesson, which is just not a kind or respectful dynamic to have going on in your marriage. Have you tried just sitting down and talking about the balance of labor in your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Go visit them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start smaller, like one day, have something scheduled where you have to leave the house before the kids do. Then he has to get the kids up and run through morning routine. Give it a break and later schedule something in the evenings when he has to handle dinner and bedtime for him and the kids. Besides, it's easier for him to learn in smaller chunks rather than trying to handle a whole weekend or a 3 day trip.

Not only are you less likely to have disaster days where a lot is missed or wrong, but it's a better learning experience. If he just handles the morning routine and gets the kids to school, he's more likely to remember A, B and C that went wrong and be able to talk to you about it at dinner that night. If you leave for a 3 day business trip, but the time you get back, so many things have happened and it's been so long that he might not remember the things he needs to talk to you about.

If you do it on a smaller scale one day here, one day there, it is harder for his parents to schedule a swoop-in visit when it's just for a Tuesday morning or a Thursday evening.

If hubby does not do any of the things OP feels needs to get done how the eff us sneaking out going to make him have some sort of amazing revelation that it needs to get done and he needs to do it ??????
Op needs to sit down with her partner and discuss what the general household duties are as discuss how they can both get these completed .
A general distribution of duties that sometimes one person does more and sometimes less. But if it is his day to cook , shut up if he orders take out, if everyone is fed, goal accomplished.
But pleaseeeeee, talk instead of trying to drop 7th grade clues that do not work.

In defense of the "leaving" advice, it works best with parenting, IMO, and the idea is not to "punish" the spouse, but that each spouse understands what really goes into doing what the other spouse does. My husband did 3 weeks of paternity leave after I went back to work, and because of that he understood that taking care of our (very fussy oldest) daughter was no "vacation" and was a whole lot of work and very isolating. Because I went away for work on occasion, he understood how difficult it was to do bedtime with two tiny kids, and that would inform how he approached having to stay late at the office random nights, etc. It just makes you both more respectful of each other if you have a first-hand understanding of what the other does on a regular basis.