asking inlaws to not swoop in

[Anonymous]

Do you have a SIL with kids who could “book” his parents at the same time that you’ve got a trip planned?

[Anonymous]

Op, don't micromanage this. No good will come of it. For you. His parents should not be coming, but this is about their relationship with their son. It doesn't really impact you beyond you wanting to educate him, which I don't think is worth it. People don't learn until they are open to learning. There are just too many land minds, for you, when you start to micromanage *how* and *who* is allowed to help when you aren't there.

[Anonymous]

Not sure this would work for you, but what worked for us was me leaving for work early in the am (before everyone is awake) and DH being in charge of getting the kids out of the house and to daycare/school/whatever.

We started this when our second was a baby so have been doing this for about 10 years now. Not only did that give DH alone time with the kids to appreciate what a juggling act parenting can be and without my trying to have things done my way, it also made him more sensitive to the importance of bedtime. Bonuses were that (1) I got ready for work in a silent house, and (2) shifting my schedule earlier gave us calmer evenings all around.

We are not a perfectly equal parenting team at all times, but we both understand what it takes and appreciate each other’s efforts.

[Anonymous]

I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

Lol! The PP bailed it. Micro managing l, domineering, perpetually complaining wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

Lol! The PP bailed it. Micro managing l, domineering, perpetually complaining wife.

Winner winner chicken dinner!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

When my DH finally started helping out by doing the laundry, I said nothing except thank you. He's got that same ego problem where he gets all insulted when the person who knows the job better because they've been doing it for years (me) offers advice. When he proudly told me that he can do the entire week of family clothes in one load I asked one question: Are you sure the washing machine can take all that at once? He said, "Yeah, it works fine and I kept my mouth shut." The damn machine broke and we had to buy a new one (replacing motor cost almost as much as a new one). I am back to doing the laundry.

[Anonymous]

+1 to making it smaller scale, i.e. take breaks/give him a chance to step into your role for short periods that do not warrant his parents flying over.

I do a larger share of childcare housework during the week than my husband because of our schedules, but I found a few jobs for him that he can do on the weekend that free up my time. It is easier for him, I think to have well defined jobs that he is responsible for vs. just making sure everyone is fed, clean, packed, etc. Not ideal, but helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

When my DH finally started helping out by doing the laundry, I said nothing except thank you. He's got that same ego problem where he gets all insulted when the person who knows the job better because they've been doing it for years (me) offers advice. When he proudly told me that he can do the entire week of family clothes in one load I asked one question: Are you sure the washing machine can take all that at once? He said, "Yeah, it works fine and I kept my mouth shut." The damn machine broke and we had to buy a new one (replacing motor cost almost as much as a new one). I am back to doing the laundry.

Do you always act like your DHs mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

When my DH finally started helping out by doing the laundry, I said nothing except thank you. He's got that same ego problem where he gets all insulted when the person who knows the job better because they've been doing it for years (me) offers advice. When he proudly told me that he can do the entire week of family clothes in one load I asked one question: Are you sure the washing machine can take all that at once? He said, "Yeah, it works fine and I kept my mouth shut." The damn machine broke and we had to buy a new one (replacing motor cost almost as much as a new one). I am back to doing the laundry.

Do you always act like your DHs mother?

dp: if DH’s mother failed to teach him to use the washing machine, there are three options: (1) The machine frequently needs replacement. (2) He does no laundry. (3) PP teaches him.

None of those is a good option, but #3 would at least potentially have benefits for PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

When my DH finally started helping out by doing the laundry, I said nothing except thank you. He's got that same ego problem where he gets all insulted when the person who knows the job better because they've been doing it for years (me) offers advice. When he proudly told me that he can do the entire week of family clothes in one load I asked one question: Are you sure the washing machine can take all that at once? He said, "Yeah, it works fine and I kept my mouth shut." The damn machine broke and we had to buy a new one (replacing motor cost almost as much as a new one). I am back to doing the laundry.

Do you do his laundry as well?

How do you think he managed to have clean clothes between the time he left for college and when he married you? I’m a woman and if all I had to do was break one washing machine to have someone else do my laundry forever, I would do it today!

You’ve been played.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would bet money that OP is the typical woman who created this behavior. I'd bet whenever he ever did do something, she would complain that it wasn't done right and then huff and puff that she has to do everything herself. Eventually the DH was conditioned not to do anything at all because his wife is perpetually dissatisfied.

This dynamic happens all the time. It gives women purpose in their minds.

Is that you, DH? The part you left out is that you don’t actually do a good job of it. Your parents never taught you, you’ve never read books or magazines about it, and your common sense isn’t always the greatest. So you need advice, but your ego doesn’t allow for that.

If you tidy by shoving things in the nearest drawer or closet, things look better, but it’s still a disorganized mess. If you never use anything but water to clean the kitchen counters or never wash out the sink, then they are teeming with germs. As you know, I could go on and on.

In any event, OP didn’t complain about *how* her in-laws fo stuff, just that DH never does it.

When my DH finally started helping out by doing the laundry, I said nothing except thank you. He's got that same ego problem where he gets all insulted when the person who knows the job better because they've been doing it for years (me) offers advice. When he proudly told me that he can do the entire week of family clothes in one load I asked one question: Are you sure the washing machine can take all that at once? He said, "Yeah, it works fine and I kept my mouth shut." The damn machine broke and we had to buy a new one (replacing motor cost almost as much as a new one). I am back to doing the laundry.

Do you do his laundry as well?

How do you think he managed to have clean clothes between the time he left for college and when he married you? I’m a woman and if all I had to do was break one washing machine to have someone else do my laundry forever, I would do it today!

You’ve been played.

For sure.

My DH does all of the laundry. He over fills the machine. I don't like it because I feel like the clothes dont get clean. However I keep my month shut because I not the philosophy that if you dont like it don't yourself, but dont bitch about having to do it yourself when you CHOSE that.

I dont want to do it, so I dont mother and micromanage my 43yr old husbands laundry process. Plus he's not my little bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've never thought this was great advice. My DH would watch the kids and eat out. He wouldn't clean the house, do the laundry, cook dinner, go shopping, or any of the other tasks to make him see what it's really like. The guy who would do those things is the guy who is pulling his weight already.

To answer your question, no, you cannot tell your in-laws not to visit their son if you are not home.

This is exactly what my DH would do. And any dishes dirty clothes toys etc will be left right where they were last used.