I know more sex is supposed to improve your marriage, but...

[Anonymous]

How do you find it in you to have sex when your spouse has been treating you terribly and the resentment is building? I'm thinking of leaving him, but our children are very young and it would take a couple of years for me to plan and execute. But, if the marriage were to improve during that time I would stay. Currently, I can't bring myself to be intimate at all. Is there a way?

[Anonymous]

Desire is not only physical but mental. If your husband is fairly awful to you during the day, it's hard to want to sleep with him at night. I think counseling is probably necessary, but if you want to tackle this on your own I would really praise him whenever he does something kind and completely ignore him when he is terrible.

I find most immature, bullying men act that way because they want a response like a child having a temper tantrum, and if you simply look at him with disdain/pity and walk away, hopefully he'll realize you won't take the bait. You can hope his behavior improves so you can start to see him like a real attractive man versus the other child you're forced to care for just without the same amount of love that you feel for your actual children.

[Anonymous]

You really need to deal with the resentment issues first unless no sex is the cause of the resentment.

[Anonymous]

A hall pass for him to relieve the sexual pressure may break the cycle of resentment in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

If he's actively treating you badly, then don't have sex with him. If he's just kind of checked out, more sex could trigger a virtuous cycle where he's more engaged with the family which makes you happier which makes you more likely to want to have sex with him, etc.

So, if he's a dick, dump him. If it's a logjam that needs broken, do what you need to do to get yourself in the mood and break the jam.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Desire is not only physical but mental. If your husband is fairly awful to you during the day, it's hard to want to sleep with him at night. I think counseling is probably necessary, but if you want to tackle this on your own I would really praise him whenever he does something kind and completely ignore him when he is terrible.

I find most immature, bullying men act that way because they want a response like a child having a temper tantrum, and if you simply look at him with disdain/pity and walk away, hopefully he'll realize you won't take the bait. You can hope his behavior improves so you can start to see him like a real attractive man versus the other child you're forced to care for just without the same amount of love that you feel for your actual children.

Thank you. Yes, I do ignore his poor behavior 98% of the time. But those times that I do have a voice and stand up for myself, I pay for it. He's verbally and financially abusive, unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to deal with the resentment issues first unless no sex is the cause of the resentment.

I resent him because he's a jerk and has said so many heinous things. He is resentful about the lack of sex (among other things, I'm sure).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A hall pass for him to relieve the sexual pressure may break the cycle of resentment in your marriage.

He's not the type to wait around for my permission. I would not be the least bit surprised to learn he's cheated.

To be clear, frequency has dwindled to around once a week. But that's getting hard to maintain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's actively treating you badly, then don't have sex with him. If he's just kind of checked out, more sex could trigger a virtuous cycle where he's more engaged with the family which makes you happier which makes you more likely to want to have sex with him, etc.

So, if he's a dick, dump him. If it's a logjam that needs broken, do what you need to do to get yourself in the mood and break the jam.

I think it's the former, unfortunately. I'm not in a position where I could just leave him anytime soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Desire is not only physical but mental. If your husband is fairly awful to you during the day, it's hard to want to sleep with him at night. I think counseling is probably necessary, but if you want to tackle this on your own I would really praise him whenever he does something kind and completely ignore him when he is terrible.

I find most immature, bullying men act that way because they want a response like a child having a temper tantrum, and if you simply look at him with disdain/pity and walk away, hopefully he'll realize you won't take the bait. You can hope his behavior improves so you can start to see him like a real attractive man versus the other child you're forced to care for just without the same amount of love that you feel for your actual children.

Desire is mostly mental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A hall pass for him to relieve the sexual pressure may break the cycle of resentment in your marriage.

He's not the type to wait around for my permission. I would not be the least bit surprised to learn he's cheated.

To be clear, frequency has dwindled to around once a week. But that's getting hard to maintain.

He has no business cheating over once a week. Now once a season, or once a year ...

[Anonymous]

Why aren’t you in a position to leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to deal with the resentment issues first unless no sex is the cause of the resentment.

+1 if you feel that your marriage is on a tether, maybe try counseling.

I was like you 8 to 10 years ago. I didn't want to have sex with my DH because of building resentment. I did think about divorce at one point, but not really seriously. Obviously, the lack of sex made DH unhappy. But, his attitude and some of his decisions were making me unhappy. It was a vicious circle.

We made some changes in our lives. Both DH and I had to make some compromises. Our sex life has been so much better. It does help that the kids are older now, and I'm less tired, which was also alleviated by us making changes to our lives.

[Anonymous]

You are really making the case for leaving now, not for finding a way to maintain sex once a week with your abusive jerk of a husband who’s probably cheating on you already.

[Anonymous]

OP I think it depends what you mean by “treating you terribly”. In my case, if for whatever reason We are not having sex, DH is just not as nice, loving, patient, etc. he is not mean and does not mistreat me, but not great. This does not happen when I am sick or recovering from childbirth, but I think subconsciously he feels that unless there is a very good reason, I can’t say no for a long time (or better I can, but he will resent me).
Sometimes I have sex for him (probably 50% of the time), but I end up always enjoying it. Also, I find that the more sex we have, the more sex we want to have and the more loving and intimate we are as a couple. We probably have sex 3 times a week (though I am 34 weeks pregnant now with my third and I think we are down to twice a week... almost positions are uncomfortable and my belly is huge).
All of this to say that if he is a nice man that’s needs a little more loving from you in order to show you more love, then try to have sex... just do it. If he is horrible to you independently, maybe you should get a divorce.