I know more sex is supposed to improve your marriage, but...

[Anonymous]

Tough one. Just spread me and let him do his thing. Maybe fantasize about him being someone else. You have a crappy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Desire is not only physical but mental. If your husband is fairly awful to you during the day, it's hard to want to sleep with him at night. I think counseling is probably necessary, but if you want to tackle this on your own I would really praise him whenever he does something kind and completely ignore him when he is terrible.

I find most immature, bullying men act that way because they want a response like a child having a temper tantrum, and if you simply look at him with disdain/pity and walk away, hopefully he'll realize you won't take the bait. You can hope his behavior improves so you can start to see him like a real attractive man versus the other child you're forced to care for just without the same amount of love that you feel for your actual children.

Thank you. Yes, I do ignore his poor behavior 98% of the time. But those times that I do have a voice and stand up for myself, I pay for it. He's verbally and financially abusive, unfortunately.

You don't need more sex what you need is a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Desire is not only physical but mental. If your husband is fairly awful to you during the day, it's hard to want to sleep with him at night. I think counseling is probably necessary, but if you want to tackle this on your own I would really praise him whenever he does something kind and completely ignore him when he is terrible.

I find most immature, bullying men act that way because they want a response like a child having a temper tantrum, and if you simply look at him with disdain/pity and walk away, hopefully he'll realize you won't take the bait. You can hope his behavior improves so you can start to see him like a real attractive man versus the other child you're forced to care for just without the same amount of love that you feel for your actual children.

Thank you. Yes, I do ignore his poor behavior 98% of the time. But those times that I do have a voice and stand up for myself, I pay for it. He's verbally and financially abusive, unfortunately.

This happened to me, OP. I left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A hall pass for him to relieve the sexual pressure may break the cycle of resentment in your marriage.

Get back under your bridge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's actively treating you badly, then don't have sex with him. If he's just kind of checked out, more sex could trigger a virtuous cycle where he's more engaged with the family which makes you happier which makes you more likely to want to have sex with him, etc.

So, if he's a dick, dump him. If it's a logjam that needs broken, do what you need to do to get yourself in the mood and break the jam.

I think it's the former, unfortunately. I'm not in a position where I could just leave him anytime soon.

Why not? Is your citizenship in jeopardy if you leave?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's actively treating you badly, then don't have sex with him. If he's just kind of checked out, more sex could trigger a virtuous cycle where he's more engaged with the family which makes you happier which makes you more likely to want to have sex with him, etc.

So, if he's a dick, dump him. If it's a logjam that needs broken, do what you need to do to get yourself in the mood and break the jam.

I think it's the former, unfortunately. I'm not in a position where I could just leave him anytime soon.

Why not? Is your citizenship in jeopardy if you leave?

Well done. Following the sexless marriage playbook to a T. She loses attraction, stops having sex..... but won't leave. She want's all the benefits of marriage without having the yucky "sex" part.

[Anonymous]

Ear plugs.

But don't worry, if you continue not having sex, he will find it elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really need to deal with the resentment issues first unless no sex is the cause of the resentment.

I resent him because he's a jerk and has said so many heinous things. He is resentful about the lack of sex (among other things, I'm sure).

This is a vicious cycle. One of you needs to break it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ear plugs.

But don't worry, if you continue not having sex, he will find it elsewhere.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Why would you feel the need to have sex with someone who is treating you horribly OP?

If he wants the marriage to improve he needs to change, and I would tell him that. Otherwise, he has two hands. If he cheats he would do it whether you're sick, or some other crisis happens. Marriage have high points and lows, all marriages. Still never a reason to cheat. If he's really abusive it probably time to leave. I would start saving money and plan to be single at some point. He sounds horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you find it in you to have sex when your spouse has been treating you terribly and the resentment is building? I'm thinking of leaving him, but our children are very young and it would take a couple of years for me to plan and execute. But, if the marriage were to improve during that time I would stay. Currently, I can't bring myself to be intimate at all. Is there a way?

Sex is the least of your concerns! Who cares what his needs are. If he won't make changes to stop the abuse or go to couples counseling it's a done deal. Start the planning stage. OP the minute he starts his abuse tirade walk out of the room or go somewhere. Abusers hate when their victims take all the control away from them. That will help you in the next few years.

Tell him the truth OP. If the abuse continues you have zero plans to have sex with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough one. Just spread me and let him do his thing. Maybe fantasize about him being someone else. You have a crappy life.

Go away-
Don’t you get it? She is in an abusive relationship. No husband or wife is “owed” sex and no person should have sex if they don’t want to, for whatever reason.
Go to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough one. Just spread me and let him do his thing. Maybe fantasize about him being someone else. You have a crappy life.

Go away-
Don’t you get it? She is in an abusive relationship. No husband or wife is “owed” sex and no person should have sex if they don’t want to, for whatever reason.
Go to counseling.

I'm concerned why she thinks she's obligated to still have sex with this creep. If he's unwilling to get help or change her priority should be to get out of there. Good communication and respect will improve a marriage. Doesn't sound like this guy will change and OP married the wrong guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough one. Just spread me and let him do his thing. Maybe fantasize about him being someone else. You have a crappy life.

Go away-
Don’t you get it? She is in an abusive relationship. No husband or wife is “owed” sex and no person should have sex if they don’t want to, for whatever reason.
Go to counseling.

I'm concerned why she thinks she's obligated to still have sex with this creep. If he's unwilling to get help or change her priority should be to get out of there. Good communication and respect will improve a marriage. Doesn't sound like this guy will change and OP married the wrong guy.

She is married to him. Sex is one of the things that happens in marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tough one. Just spread me and let him do his thing. Maybe fantasize about him being someone else. You have a crappy life.

Go away-
Don’t you get it? She is in an abusive relationship. No husband or wife is “owed” sex and no person should have sex if they don’t want to, for whatever reason.
Go to counseling.

I'm concerned why she thinks she's obligated to still have sex with this creep. If he's unwilling to get help or change her priority should be to get out of there. Good communication and respect will improve a marriage. Doesn't sound like this guy will change and OP married the wrong guy.

She is married to him. Sex is one of the things that happens in marriage.

Not when one partner is emotionally abusing the other. Sex is not owed, married or not.

OP don't have sex with him. Start thinking of ways to save more money. One of my friends was in a similar position, he was an abusive cheater. She would buy groceries then choose the cash back option. She also sold some of his stuff he wouldn't miss, tools, sports equipment, etc. I'm afraid if he does treat you nice for awhile he go right back to his old ways. He won't change. You married a mean person, but can have a much better life.