When one partner in a relationship has extreme anxiety
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Anonymous
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DH has anxiety that has started in the last couple of years due to some serious stress in life. The stressful situation is over, but his anxiety persists. He is in therapy and he does what's he's supposed to do to take care of himself like exercise.
I feel horrible, but I'm stressed out over his anxiety. I get the the condition itself is irrational, and logically he knows why he "shouldn't" worry about certain things but he does any way. I have a typically stressful life...little kids, career change that involves people in difficult situations. And when I come home after hearing everyones problems all day, and my kids have problems, and I ignore my own problems and try to clear my head, DH walks in and releases all of his problems and I sit there and smile and nod and listen, but then I can't unwind because I'm worried about everyone else including a grown man who is worried about things that aren't "worth" worrying about. I don't want to start to resent him, but it's one more thing on my plate and I'm starting to not take care of my own self. I tried to try therapy myself (and I'm soooo not a therapy person) but both times had to cancel appointments because once my kid was sick and once DH had to unexpectedly work late. I give him time and space so that he can exercise and go to therapy and take a break from the kids, but now I'm operating over my capacity. I don't know what I'm asking or what I need. Help please. |
Anonymous
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As a spouse with anxiety, GO TO THERAPY. The fact that you aren't "a therapy person" potentially speaks to your views on mental health generally.
Trust me, your husband does not want to be a burden to you, but please understand that anxiety, even well-managed, can be isolating and lonely. Having a spouse who understands, or even attempts to understand can help alleviate many worries. Finally, just because you don't think things are "worth worrying about" doesn't mean your spouse agrees. Please please don't be dismissive of his feelings. Validate him and ask him how you can help him work through some of his fears. Yes, it may be exhausting for you, I get it. But a little compassion goes a long way. |
Anonymous
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My DH has anxiety too. If you aren't into therapy, there are books, websites, blogs, etc with information on how to help someone with anxiety. If he had diabetes or cancer, you would figure out a way to help, right? He has an illness that deserves your effort.
You might as well learn some techniques now, because odds are one of your children will also end up with anxiety at some point. Maybe even you, OP. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/how-help-someone-anxiety |
Anonymous
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You could be me. In fact you are me. I wish I could be more compassionate, but I have a lot of resentment and anger. I feel like the only grown-up in the house who is taking care of three children (my actual children plus DH). I spend all my time taking care of other people's problems, there's nothing left for me. Our lives revolve around DH's issues. Anxiety makes people really self-absorbed.
I try to be understanding, but it's really hard when you do all the evening chores yourself (dinner, cleanup, homework, bedtime) because DH is busy freaking about some work issue that's really not an issue. And then wants me to discuss his issues ad nauseum afterward (same damn issues over and over again). Gets mad at me because I can't be patient through it all. At least I'm not the only one in this boat. |
Anonymous
| I hear you OP. I have a spouse with anxiety, depression, ADHD. And a kid with most of the same. And another kid with a physical disability. It is absolutely overwhelming to deal with on a daily basis, and unlike you I’ve already crossed the “resentment” threshold. But for me that’s meant some really unhealthy patterns of ignoring my own self care, so I admire you for trying to find a solution before it’s gotten to that point. I think PP above is right, get your own therapist because even if it’s not “your thing”, you need SOMEONE in the world to acknowledge that your feelings matter too. That can get lost when your partner in life is someone for whom nothing exists but their own emotions. |
Anonymous
This is exactly the problem. OP is talking about HER feelings, which exist, even if she’s not the one who has a mental illness. |
Anonymous
Yes! I'm not OP, but my DH is the same, and every time I've tried to seek advice or just vent, I get told that I need to be more understanding or advice on how to help him. Great, a guilt trip on top of everything. OP's feelings are valid and normal. None of us are superhuman. It is normal for OP to feel resentment and anger and frustration at having to be the one who is carrying the whole family. |
Anonymous
Of course it's normal to feel resentful and angry. But that's not productive. And it only builds. |
Anonymous
Wrong. Being angry and giving voice to it is immensely “productive”. And in any event this post is not and was not about productive assistance for DH. It was about OP’s emotions and how to help her. |
Anonymous
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I’m in the middle of this myself and there’s so much anger. I shoulder the entire family and don’t have an emotional partner, and then get lines about how mental disorders are like cancer or diabetes, so you wouldn’t be mad at your DH if he had those diseases, would you?? Ummmm you better believe that I’d be furious if my DH had diabetes and it’s affected how he freaked out on me, the kids, couldn’t cope, and acted like a toddler.
I’m so sick of blah blah blah it’s a disease. If I could find solice in that so could DH and we could go and fix this instead of over grown child I manage who refuses help. |
Anonymous
| Some of the techniques for supporting a person with anxiety are counterintuitive (at least to me). Learning techniques to support your DH may also help you take some of your burden off of yourself (it's okay to shut down rumination, it's often better for the anxious person if you don't reassure them-for example). |
Anonymous
| Time apart. Time when you aren't at work or at home. Don't step from one stressful situation (work) into another (home, if home includes husband and his anxiety) Maybe your kids will have less time than most kids with their parents. That may be ok. Maybe have an au pair/babysitter. If your kids are at least school aged they can probably take care of themselves, better than many parents want to believe. |
Anonymous
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I had the same issue. I went to therapy specifically to get some help on establishing boundaries with my spouse, his anxiety was making my life miserable. It was incredibly helpful, I really had to learn that his anxiety is his problem and I can't make it mine or I'll resent him until I divorce him.
Get some help for you, you need to learn the skills of assertiveness and self protection. And screw the people screaming "you need to be compassionate!". What about YOUR rights??? |
Anonymous
This PP is exact right. My DS has anxiety and I had to learn some techniques. Most I got from reading his CBT book. A couple that might help give you some space: let him have a time to talk about his worries, but it isn’t all the time. Maybe he gets 20 minutes after dinner to indulge his worries. So if he comes through the door talking about x, you give him a kiss and say “save it for tonight, okay? How to you like Larla’s drawing?” (He has to be onboard, of course, but his therapist should think this is a good idea.) Second, don’t reassure him or tell him what he fears won’t happen. Instead, ask him “and then what.” Say he is anxious about looking foolish during a presentation at work. You can ask him “okay, so what if you did mess up and people laugh. What would happen?” Helping anxious people to see they have the tools to survive the things they fear can help them stop ruminating. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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I’m the one with anxiety in my marriage. Thing is, I don’t burden anyone with it, but my body gives way: I wake up in the dead of night with panic attacks, my blood pressure is not great after years of worry, and there are days when I feel awful from dawn til dusk and through the night. As in, barely functional, and not much help to anyone else. This developed after a life-threatening health crisis and subsequent diagnosis of a chronic condition three years ago. Perhaps you should ask your spouse not to talk so much to you about it. It’s not selfish or heartless, but a rational way of ensuring that one parent is functional enough to care for the household. |