When one partner in a relationship has extreme anxiety

[Anonymous]

Ongoing Traumatic Relationship Syndrome/Cassandra Phenomenon (OTRS/CP)

[Anonymous]

Do what you need to take care of yourself. My DH has anxiety, depression, PTSD and is on disability, going on for nearly a decade. It’s hard.

The things that work for me is a conscious decision not to divorce. I love DH.
And compartmentalizing,,his illness is his illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has anxiety too. If you aren't into therapy, there are books, websites, blogs, etc with information on how to help someone with anxiety. If he had diabetes or cancer, you would figure out a way to help, right? He has an illness that deserves your effort.

You might as well learn some techniques now, because odds are one of your children will also end up with anxiety at some point. Maybe even you, OP.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/how-help-someone-anxiety

I have come to the conclusion that this language of disease is used to excuse and justify abusive behavior. I have a very close friend whose DH has severe anxiety and the advice she is getting from her mental health support group and even her marriage therapist is that she needs to put up with extremely verbally abusive behavior and terrifying outbursts of anger because "he has anxiety." It's really screwed up. She should have left him years ago but didn't because he was ill. All that got her was traumatized kids and years more abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has anxiety too. If you aren't into therapy, there are books, websites, blogs, etc with information on how to help someone with anxiety. If he had diabetes or cancer, you would figure out a way to help, right? He has an illness that deserves your effort.

You might as well learn some techniques now, because odds are one of your children will also end up with anxiety at some point. Maybe even you, OP.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/how-help-someone-anxiety

I have come to the conclusion that this language of disease is used to excuse and justify abusive behavior. I have a very close friend whose DH has severe anxiety and the advice she is getting from her mental health support group and even her marriage therapist is that she needs to put up with extremely verbally abusive behavior and terrifying outbursts of anger because "he has anxiety." It's really screwed up. She should have left him years ago but didn't because he was ill. All that got her was traumatized kids and years more abuse.

It’s hard to believe she is told to put up with abusive behavior. She needs to change therapists and the support group. No illness is an excuse for bad behavior.

I am the poster above you whose husband suffers from anxiety, depression and PTSD. DH is still the loving sweet guy I married despite his illness. Doesn’t even use foul language in front of me or our kid.

Having anxiety and being a jerk are two different things.

[Anonymous]

I so agree 20:21.

My husband has OCD and DD has GAD, PAs, and migraines. Fortunately I am a SAHM which helps with my stress!

Sorry OP, it's hard I know (not in the same way but I get it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH has anxiety too. If you aren't into therapy, there are books, websites, blogs, etc with information on how to help someone with anxiety. If he had diabetes or cancer, you would figure out a way to help, right? He has an illness that deserves your effort.

You might as well learn some techniques now, because odds are one of your children will also end up with anxiety at some point. Maybe even you, OP.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/in-practice/201607/how-help-someone-anxiety

I have come to the conclusion that this language of disease is used to excuse and justify abusive behavior. I have a very close friend whose DH has severe anxiety and the advice she is getting from her mental health support group and even her marriage therapist is that she needs to put up with extremely verbally abusive behavior and terrifying outbursts of anger because "he has anxiety." It's really screwed up. She should have left him years ago but didn't because he was ill. All that got her was traumatized kids and years more abuse.

It’s hard to believe she is told to put up with abusive behavior. She needs to change therapists and the support group. No illness is an excuse for bad behavior.

I am the poster above you whose husband suffers from anxiety, depression and PTSD. DH is still the loving sweet guy I married despite his illness. Doesn’t even use foul language in front of me or our kid.

Having anxiety and being a jerk are two different things.

It's quite common for abusive behavior to be excused on grounds of mental illness. You see it on this forum all the time. Not sure why this is surprising or unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

^The only person who has mentioned using mental illness as an excuse for abusive behavior is you.

[Anonymous]

A defender of abuse, I see. Okay. That doesn't help OP.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between using mental illness as an excuse and understanding that mental illness causes emotional disregulation. Anger and irritability are one of the main signs of depression in many men and some women. That isn't a choice to feel that way and yes sometimes it leaks out. Just like tears might for someone whose depression is more melancholic. With mental illness, you don't have total control over your emotions - that is part of the illness.

I am a woman. I have always been very non emotional in general. I am very even keel, and never, ever been shown much emotion. I experienced an episode of mental illness and one of the hardest parts for me was the loss of control over my emotional states. I became, angry, irrationally angry, very irritably and just generally my mood shifted all over the place. I didn't really have the skills (had never needed them) to manage that kind of anger, I had no energy, and I was confused and overwhelmed by how I felt. I wasn't a very nice person at all for a few months until I was able to get it under control - the root cause ended up being a hormone (thyroid) imbalance.

Trust me, it is a horrible way to feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a difference between using mental illness as an excuse and understanding that mental illness causes emotional disregulation. Anger and irritability are one of the main signs of depression in many men and some women. That isn't a choice to feel that way and yes sometimes it leaks out. Just like tears might for someone whose depression is more melancholic. With mental illness, you don't have total control over your emotions - that is part of the illness.

I am a woman. I have always been very non emotional in general. I am very even keel, and never, ever been shown much emotion. I experienced an episode of mental illness and one of the hardest parts for me was the loss of control over my emotional states. I became, angry, irrationally angry, very irritably and just generally my mood shifted all over the place. I didn't really have the skills (had never needed them) to manage that kind of anger, I had no energy, and I was confused and overwhelmed by how I felt. I wasn't a very nice person at all for a few months until I was able to get it under control - the root cause ended up being a hormone (thyroid) imbalance.

Trust me, it is a horrible way to feel.

It's an even worse way to be treated, but there is not much sympathy for those who are the victims of that type of behavior.

[Anonymous]

I hear you OP. Same boat, different symptoms. My DH’s anxiety is extreme and buried deeply. It manifests as him being extremely manipulative and dishonest when triggered (which is very minor social stressors/interactions). Not sure how much of the lying I can stomach anymore. No advice, just sympathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a spouse with anxiety, GO TO THERAPY. The fact that you aren't "a therapy person" potentially speaks to your views on mental health generally.

Trust me, your husband does not want to be a burden to you, but please understand that anxiety, even well-managed, can be isolating and lonely. Having a spouse who understands, or even attempts to understand can help alleviate many worries.

Finally, just because you don't think things are "worth worrying about" doesn't mean your spouse agrees. Please please don't be dismissive of his feelings. Validate him and ask him how you can help him work through some of his fears. Yes, it may be exhausting for you, I get it. But a little compassion goes a long way.

It would be nice if her DH showed some compassion for her, too.

[Anonymous]

Hugs! In order to be strong and compassionate for your family, you need to take time for yourself. Make therapy a priority. And consider outsourcing more if you can afford it. I’d also have a sitter come in even if it’s 2 hours on Sunday afternoon so that you can have time for yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like a difficult situation all around. You mention that your husband is in therapy and exercises to help manage his anxiety.

There are good medications available to help manage anxiety, too. He should consult his doctor to see if it would make sense to try them. It could make a big difference, in combination with therapy, exercise, etc.

Good luck to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Medication.