How to apologize even if you know you did the right thing

[Anonymous]

I mentioned (in a kind, gentle and loving way) to a close friend of mine that I felt her child had some delays and should be evaluated (these delays were very severe and obvious and I work in a field where I constantly am dealing with such issues). I was really concerned and only trying to help when I suggested that she evaluate the child and start early intervention as it could be very helpful. My friend was ok with this at first (even agreed on some level, although mostly in denial), however, her husband was not ok, very much in denial, and even became hostile towards me and my own typically developing 4 year old. Her husband has now persuaded my friend to end our friendship. I feel bad, and am not sure what to do. Should I apologize, send a card? or just forget about trying to salvage my friendship. Thanks

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. It sounds like her husband has a lot of issues. And controlling his wife's friendships is NOT okay.

I would indeed send her a card, just saying that you are very sorry that the friendship is at an end (which I'm sure you are), but that you hope that if there is any chance of restoring the bond once feelings have calmed down, you will do whatever it takes, and that you are thinking of her and her family and always wishing them well.

So sorry. As a parent of a special needs child, I don't think you did anything wrong. The dad has issues.

[Anonymous]

I expect the current animosity will pass, as they learn more about their child's development and make peace with it. You should write to your friend, tell her that you understand and wish her well, and that you're looking forward to reconnecting with her at a calmer time. And of course let her know that you are there for her.

You didn't do anything wrong, but the reaction is somewhat understandable. There's a reason we have to be reminded not to kill the messenger.

[Anonymous]

"I'm really sorry I caused so much upset. I shouldn't have said anything. Please just forget everything I said. I apologize. I hope we can remain friends."

[Anonymous]

I find it odd she's letting her DH get so in the way of your friendship. So maybe there's more to that?

It sounds like you had the child's best interest in mind, however with this kind of reaction over time "she was okay with it at first, [then...]" makes it seem like you've talked about it to her more than once? And if so, then I'd say apologize for being over-involved.

I think as a friend and professional, it was fine to quietly mention your observations once, but what they do next is up to them entirely.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I have a speech pathologist friend who has been keeping an eye on my daughter as her speech develops; I would want her to tell me if she noticed anything that was cause for concern. Your friend will probably be grateful someday, especially if the issue is something where early detection and treatment can have a positive effect. The husband sounds like kind of an a*s, but people grieve (for the idea of a "perfect" kid) in all sorts of ways.

Maybe you could wait till Christmas and send them a holiday card, with a personal note inside about how you miss your friend and are around if she needs you. I don't personally think you should apologize for telling her what you told her. She needed to know, and someone would have told her eventually. She might just need more time.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you did anything wrong. I have a speech pathologist friend who has been keeping an eye on my daughter as her speech develops; I would want her to tell me if she noticed anything that was cause for concern. Your friend will probably be grateful someday, especially if the issue is something where early detection and treatment can have a positive effect. The husband sounds like kind of an a*s, but people grieve (for the idea of a "perfect" kid) in all sorts of ways.

Maybe you could wait till Christmas and send them a holiday card, with a personal note inside about how you miss your friend and are around if she needs you. I don't personally think you should apologize for telling her what you told her. She needed to know, and someone would have told her eventually. She might just need more time.

Good luck!

I mostly agree with your post, but I'm more curious about HOW she told her, not what she told her. OP, I do think you had best intentions, but maybe peel back from this a little and not assume you were 100% correct? Maybe at least an apology for how it was perceived?!

An apology that isn't from the heart, is actually not an apology.

[Anonymous]

"I'm sorry for giving advice that wasn't welcome. I certainly won't do that in the future and hope that our friendship can survive."

[Anonymous]

It's hard not to resent the messenger when the messenger happens to have a normally developed child. I have two special needs kids and was initially in denial about the 2nd one because she didn't seem THAT delayed to me. So when my older kid's therapist alerted me, I felt offended because I thought I should have seen it and that she may be wrong. But then I got over my denial and went ahead with the evaluations and the intervention.

It's scary when your child is not developing as they should. Give them a little bit of time. I don't know if you should apologize. If the delays are THAT severe, it's vital that the kid gets intervention soon. If you are doubting whether you are right, you should apologize for not minding your own business (something to that regard) and just not mention it again.

[Anonymous]

It is hard not to resent the messenger. The parents are in denial. The dad particularly sounds like he is in serious denial. It's easier for him to direct anger at you than actually contemplate that there may be something wrong with his child. Curious - is it a son?

Especially if the DH is now hostile towards your child, the friendship must end. I would send a card, you've gotten good advice above on how to phrase it. I doubt though that the father will forgive you down the line. Especially if you are right. He doesn't sound like he's the kind of person to admit when HE was wrong and HE should apologize.

[Anonymous]

"I overstepeed my bounds, and I apologize."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I overstepeed my bounds, and I apologize."

You could even spell "overstepped" correctly, for added effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm really sorry I caused so much upset. I shouldn't have said anything. Please just forget everything I said. I apologize. I hope we can remain friends."

I disagree.

"I'm sorry that what I said was so upsetting. You know I love your child, and in good conscience, I felt they needed to be said. I hope our friendship is strong enough to get through this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is hard not to resent the messenger. The parents are in denial. The dad particularly sounds like he is in serious denial. It's easier for him to direct anger at you than actually contemplate that there may be something wrong with his child. Curious - is it a son?

Especially if the DH is now hostile towards your child, the friendship must end. I would send a card, you've gotten good advice above on how to phrase it. I doubt though that the father will forgive you down the line. Especially if you are right. He doesn't sound like he's the kind of person to admit when HE was wrong and HE should apologize.

I wouldn't write the husband off. He is in denial, but if you are right and they get the child tested, eventually he will reach a point where he can acknowledge that you were right and probably right to say something. I don't see this as especially different coming from a husband vs. the friend directly. But at least you have someone in the family who wants to be your friend.

[Anonymous]

The mom is in a hard place. I'd give it some time and then maybe send an email or card or something saying that you miss her and wish them all well or something.

I have a special needs child myself and it was hard enough acknowledging the situation and moving forward, and we were both on the same page.

I hope that the child is in daycare or school and that the delays are obvious enough that someone else will say something too.