How to apologize even if you know you did the right thing

[Anonymous]

OP , What kind of experience with special needs kids do u have ? are u an expert ? maybe you where wrong?I think most people will notice if there is something wrong with their child and you may have meant well ,but you where wrong to interfere.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't matter if OP was right or not about the delay. Even if she is 100% right, she may well have overstepped in offering her opinion. If her friend asked if she thought she should be concerned, then maybe she had an opening to say soemthing like, "Well, I don't know, it's hard to tell at this age. One thing that may put your mind at ease about it is to get a professional evaluation." I have said things like this to friends when they've asked me (one of our kids had delays), even though I was pretty darn sure their kid needed intervention.

What OP needs to do now is either accept that the friendship was over, or truly apologize. This means NOT saying things like "I only did it out of my concern and love for your child." I would say something like, "It was so stupid of me to mention it. I don't know what I was thinking that day. I miss you and hope you can forgive me." I have called people out on things in business dealings, and when they have gotten offended, I usually end up going back later and apologizing. I usually say something like I didn't have enough coffee that morning, otherwise I would never have phrased things the way I did. I then emphasize how much I want to complete the particular transaction we are workig on together. Sometimes, even when you are 100% right and the other person is 100% wrong (by all accounts, including my manager's), you still suck it up anyway to get the job done. Some thing here. If you want to keep the friend you will have to fall on your sword, and even then it may not work.

[Anonymous]

Ouch - tough one. I would send her a letter letting her know that it was very difficult for you to actually mention it and that you only did bc you really care for her and her child and had you known it would have done this to your friendship you would have never mentioned it.
Then let her know that you wish her the best and that you are there for her.
It might take a while but if you are right - she will be coming back and will be the one apologizing. It is hard to hear that about your child but the truth can also hurt and give them time to realize you are right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ouch - tough one. I would send her a letter letting her know that it was very difficult for you to actually mention it and that you only did bc you really care for her and her child and had you known it would have done this to your friendship you would have never mentioned it.
Then let her know that you wish her the best and that you are there for her.
It might take a while but if you are right - she will be coming back and will be the one apologizing. It is hard to hear that about your child but the truth can also hurt and give them time to realize you are right.

not enough - there is no "I am sorry for offending you" in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ouch - tough one. I would send her a letter letting her know that it was very difficult for you to actually mention it and that you only did bc you really care for her and her child and had you known it would have done this to your friendship you would have never mentioned it.
Then let her know that you wish her the best and that you are there for her.
It might take a while but if you are right - she will be coming back and will be the one apologizing. It is hard to hear that about your child but the truth can also hurt and give them time to realize you are right.

no, no, no no no. Unless OP is going to write a letter SOLELY for the purpose of apologizing, NO LETTER! The letter some of you have described is just having OP say "sorry you got offended, but I was right." I agree with others who have said that OP might be wrong. Unless you are analyzing this child in your professional environment, I'm not sure you can say with 100 percent certainty that there is a delay involved.

[Anonymous]

OP

Fully realize that you could be "right" (the child is delayed), but you didn't neccesarily do the right thing. Once you realize the difference between those two things, the apology will come easy.

[Anonymous]

never comment on a friend's child unsolicited. if you do, apologize unconditionally. easy.

[Anonymous]

As a mother of 2 special needs kids, I'm wondering how many of you who think OP should not have said anything. Seriously. I wish someone - anyone - would have suggested it to us because we're an example of a family who are just beginning to address special needs in our 7 year old when it should have been apparent to a professional that at age 12 months our child had issues.

Moms of special needs kids - do you think OP should have kept quiet? If so, why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mother of 2 special needs kids, I'm wondering how many of you who think OP should not have said anything. Seriously. I wish someone - anyone - would have suggested it to us because we're an example of a family who are just beginning to address special needs in our 7 year old when it should have been apparent to a professional that at age 12 months our child had issues.

Moms of special needs kids - do you think OP should have kept quiet? If so, why?

That should be I'm wondering how many of you who think OP should not have said anything are mothers of special needs kids. Sorry for poor proofreadingl.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a mom of a special needs kid, but I am a mom of a kid who had delays and had physical therapy for 18 months and speech therapy for a year. I think the OP should not have spoken up unless her friend voiced a concern or question to her.

Sort of like how when a friend is telling some story and my lawyer brain is thinking "you idiot - why would you do that?" and instead of saying that I just smile agreeably and nod my head.

Once a friend did ask my advice about her (white and under 40) husband's job situation. I took a minute a thought about how to say, in the nicest possible way, that there is no law against a boss being a jerk, and that is not what a "hostile work environment" means from a case law perspective. There are laws against discrimination. Not assholes. Just because you know something in an area doesn't mean it's always appropriate for you to say so.

[Anonymous]

[Corrected]

I'm not a mom of a special needs kid, but I am a mom of a kid who had delays and had physical therapy for 18 months and speech therapy for a year. I think the OP should not have spoken up unless her friend voiced a concern or question to her.

Sort of like how when a friend is telling some story and my lawyer brain is thinking "you idiot - why would you do that?" and instead of saying that I just smile agreeably and nod my head.

Once a friend did ask my advice about her (white and under 40) husband's job situation. I took a minute and thought about how to say, in the nicest possible way, that there is no law against a boss being a jerk, and that is not what a "hostile work environment" means from a case law perspective. There are laws against discrimination. Not assholes. Just because you know something in an area doesn't mean it's always appropriate for you to say so.

[Anonymous]

If my very close friend was professional in a particular field and said she noticed x,y, and z about my child and was concerned - knowing my friend was a professional - I would give that thoughtful concern and look into myself. If someone is truly your friend, and you have known them for a long time, why would you assume the worse and think they were just making random suggestions to make you feel like a bad parent especially in regards to something they deal with on a professional level?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my very close friend was professional in a particular field and said she noticed x,y, and z about my child and was concerned - knowing my friend was a professional - I would give that thoughtful concern and look into myself. If someone is truly your friend, and you have known them for a long time, why would you assume the worse and think they were just making random suggestions to make you feel like a bad parent especially in regards to something they deal with on a professional level?

I agree. A real friend wouldn't be able to stand by and not say anything. I, too, have a special needs kid and was blessed to have a friend in the medical field who gently brought some concerns to our attention. I had 3 other children and thought I knew all about child development. I was wrong. I hate to think where we'd be if we didn't get services early. Of course, I wasn't suspicious or dismissive of her opinion. Maybe I've been blessed with friends who don't give backhanded compliments or are catty and I had no reason to doubt her intentions. My DH certainly wasn't happy to hear what she said but he never suggested that she wasn't trying to be a good friend. We're very grateful to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:never comment on a friend's child unsolicited. if you do, apologize unconditionally. easy.

I do not agree with this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I'm sorry for giving advice that wasn't welcome. I certainly won't do that in the future and hope that our friendship can survive."

That is an excellent way to put it. I would try saying that, and if the friend won't accept the apology, then the friendship was way too delicate to begin with.