How to apologize even if you know you did the right thing

[Anonymous]

Personally, I would take seriously the concerns of a friend if they mentioned something to me about my child. However, I have seen too many times parents get completely upset when even the hint that their child is not top of the class in any area. People are wayyyy touchy and defensive when it comes to their kids.

OP, you need to consider that one reason the husband is so angry is because he notices the behavior, too, and knows you are right but doesn't want to accept it. Denial, or embarrassment, or whatever you want to call it. If you are sorry that you hurt your friend, or sorry that you said something to upset her, say that. Otherwise, you will have to allow the friendship to end if they are not able to deal with it.

However, I have to say, that just because you are an expert in this area does not mean that you should presume that people would like your advice unsolicited. You may feel it is your professional responsibility, but I hope that you learn from this experience that many do not want to hear these type of judgments from friends. In fact, my mother is a teacher and many of her parents do not want to hear recommendations for evaluations from her, either. I have known many child psychologists who are proactive about providing help, and sometimes it is their kids who are the ones who seem to be screaming for help the most. Everyone has a blind eye when it comes to their own kids, it seems, so I would be wary in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my very close friend was professional in a particular field and said she noticed x,y, and z about my child and was concerned - knowing my friend was a professional - I would give that thoughtful concern and look into myself. If someone is truly your friend, and you have known them for a long time, why would you assume the worse and think they were just making random suggestions to make you feel like a bad parent especially in regards to something they deal with on a professional level?

I agree. A real friend wouldn't be able to stand by and not say anything. I, too, have a special needs kid and was blessed to have a friend in the medical field who gently brought some concerns to our attention. I had 3 other children and thought I knew all about child development. I was wrong. I hate to think where we'd be if we didn't get services early. Of course, I wasn't suspicious or dismissive of her opinion. Maybe I've been blessed with friends who don't give backhanded compliments or are catty and I had no reason to doubt her intentions. My DH certainly wasn't happy to hear what she said but he never suggested that she wasn't trying to be a good friend. We're very grateful to her.

key here is gently. OP has yet to return and clarify how she brought this up to her friend. That might be the big difference here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:never comment on a friend's child unsolicited. if you do, apologize unconditionally. easy.

I do not agree with this at all.

ok. so you make a comment that is unsolicited and your friend takes great offense and is hurt/angry. then what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:key here is gently. OP has yet to return and clarify how she brought this up to her friend. That might be the big difference here.

OP did say "I mentioned (in a kind, gentle and loving way) " and it did sound like her friend was fine with how it was done but the husband wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:never comment on a friend's child unsolicited. if you do, apologize unconditionally. easy.

I do not agree with this at all.

ok. so you make a comment that is unsolicited and your friend takes great offense and is hurt/angry. then what do you do?

Depends.

Most of my friends, I believe based on my experiences with them, would not take offense at well-meaning observations or suggestions.

If they did, how I would respond would of course depend on what was occurring in that individual conversation (her response, etc.). But, I'd probably tell her that I didn't mean to offend her and that I was sorry she was offended, angry or whatever. Then drop the subject in the future.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

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