best housing arrangement in separation- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Husband wants to separate. I see no resolution in sight based on what he has expressed so I'm assuming this will lead to divorce. We live in a small 2 BR house with 2 small children. Due to appreciation of the house, neither of us can afford to buy out the other at current market value. We will plan for shared custody- not yet sure of breakdown of days, etc. The kids are in different places during the day so logistics of getting them to their respective places and picking up will factor in. Which would you do or have you done over the short (or longer) term?

1. One of us stays in the house for the time being. The other moves into an apartment and kids alternate time between the house and the apartment. (My concern is that the kids will wonder why the parent who stays in the house "made" the other parent move out). We both remain on the deed until divorce is finalized. Of course then another move is needed.

2. We get one apartment and keep the house. We do the whole bird nesting thing or whatever its called that the kids remain in the house and we as parents rotate in and out. This is what my husband wants but I see it as making it tough for a clean break, continuing to live in each other's spaces, though I see the potential value for the kids. Longer term I get that this will be an issue for either one of us starting a relationship so another arrangement is needed down the road anyway. This also appears to be the most expensive option, as our mortgage is higher by around $500 per month than what available apartments in our area cost, though I haven't broken this down for the tax credit of keeping vs. selling.

3. We sell the house and each get $100k in appreciation. We get apartments close to each other and both start fresh. My husband feels it would terrible for the kids to leave their house in general and to not have outside space, but our outside space is pretty small anyway- we can fit a kiddie pool and sandbox. I feel this arrangement puts us on more even footing and allows us freedom to make independent decisions down the road (ie if I want to buy a condo etc) without having to renegotiate terms that would be needed in the above, like sale of the house later or potential arguments about the cleanliness of the shared apartment and house in number 2.

Please share your thoughts. There's always so much ugliness that people like to spew on this site so please don't waste your energy on me if its negative. I won't address it.

[Anonymous]

He can temporarily sleep in the basement or couch till you both decide. He moves out and gets an apartment and either you both get apartments or you keep the house if you can afford it. If he wants divorce (and you didn't cheat), he should get the burden. Tell him the yard is the least of his concerns if he's leaving his wife and breaking up his family with young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He can temporarily sleep in the basement or couch till you both decide. He moves out and gets an apartment and either you both get apartments or you keep the house if you can afford it. If he wants divorce (and you didn't cheat), he should get the burden. Tell him the yard is the least of his concerns if he's leaving his wife and breaking up his family with young kids.

I can't afford the house on my own.

Definitely didn't cheat. I'm not even sure an apartment is the burden. Houses require a fair amount of cost in maintenance and upkeep and as much as I'd want to remain a homeowner, I'm not able to take on the additional cost independently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can temporarily sleep in the basement or couch till you both decide. He moves out and gets an apartment and either you both get apartments or you keep the house if you can afford it. If he wants divorce (and you didn't cheat), he should get the burden. Tell him the yard is the least of his concerns if he's leaving his wife and breaking up his family with young kids.

I can't afford the house on my own.

Definitely didn't cheat. I'm not even sure an apartment is the burden. Houses require a fair amount of cost in maintenance and upkeep and as much as I'd want to remain a homeowner, I'm not able to take on the additional cost independently.

Then, I'd rent two apartments and do a clean split.

[Anonymous]

Number 2 short term, with the second place being a studio or 1BR apt is probably the most cost-effective/easiest on the children provided you can share both spaces civilly and the pickup/dropoff burden is shared between parents.

Once the divorce is finalized, either sell the house and both restart or one person buys the other out (this may be something you’ll be able to do over a few years, if parties are willing).

[Anonymous]

PP poster. Of course, if you don’t want the nesting option, and he’s the one pushing the divorce, you can insist on option 3, which is where it should end up.

[Anonymous]

Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

Yes, this is my thought. I feel like he doesn't want the publicity (for lack of a better word) of the sale. If we nest it seems less obvious to neighbors or whatever with us coming and going. I'm inclined to prepare for sale. I'd be sad to leave our home but it feels like the cleanest break. Asking for opinions because honestly I know this will be tough on the kids in general but I'm not sure if remaining in the house makes it any easier.

[Anonymous]

Seems easier to sell in the spring market than to nest for any length of time. There seems to be a lot of complicated issues re: nesting. For example, who pays for maintenance? Who pays the mortgage? How do you split appreciation on the house? Does the party not living in the house pay an equal amount of the mortgage despite not getting the benefit of occupying the house?

To me, that seems like a lot more work than just working on separating out your finances now and both of you working to clean out/repair/get the house ready to list in the spring. You will both also need some time to find suitable housing. Also, sleeping on the couch sucks so proving you both can be adults about it I don't think sharing the master bed for another month needs to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

Yes, this is my thought. I feel like he doesn't want the publicity (for lack of a better word) of the sale. If we nest it seems less obvious to neighbors or whatever with us coming and going. I'm inclined to prepare for sale. I'd be sad to leave our home but it feels like the cleanest break. Asking for opinions because honestly I know this will be tough on the kids in general but I'm not sure if remaining in the house makes it any easier.

Why is this your problem, OP? If he's insisting on leaving you, he can deal with the consequences. If he doesn't want the publicity, maybe he should reconsider walking out.

[Anonymous]

When I divorced, we did #2 for the short term. It was great for our child, but stressful because of the adults (not so much because we were shuffling homes, but because we were too much in each other's business and it caused strife-which wasn't good for our kid.

After 6 months we did #3, which was a rough transition but has been the best choice in the longterm. I don't think most kids (my kid) are as attached to a home as parents' tend to think. Better to have an economically sustainable plan, than to keep the kids in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

Yes, this is my thought. I feel like he doesn't want the publicity (for lack of a better word) of the sale. If we nest it seems less obvious to neighbors or whatever with us coming and going. I'm inclined to prepare for sale. I'd be sad to leave our home but it feels like the cleanest break. Asking for opinions because honestly I know this will be tough on the kids in general but I'm not sure if remaining in the house makes it any easier.

Why is this your problem, OP? If he's insisting on leaving you, he can deal with the consequences. If he doesn't want the publicity, maybe he should reconsider walking out.

Not my problem at all. Just thinking why he would be so insistent on the highest cost option. I am asking this question because I am wondering if there is truly an benefit from people's experiences on keeping children in the family home. Obviously its not an option for everyone and the kids will land on their feet. More just gathering information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I divorced, we did #2 for the short term. It was great for our child, but stressful because of the adults (not so much because we were shuffling homes, but because we were too much in each other's business and it caused strife-which wasn't good for our kid.

After 6 months we did #3, which was a rough transition but has been the best choice in the longterm. I don't think most kids (my kid) are as attached to a home as parents' tend to think. Better to have an economically sustainable plan, than to keep the kids in the house.

Yes, I would tend to think it doesn't make a whole lot of difference for the kids. You can set up their toys and bedroom in a similar way and I'm sure that's about all they notice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Option 3.

Can you split up in the home for a month, while you get the house ready to list in February for the spring market?

If you can’t split up in the home, can you nest in an extended stay-type hotel? Someone stay with a friend or local relative?

Yes, this is my thought. I feel like he doesn't want the publicity (for lack of a better word) of the sale. If we nest it seems less obvious to neighbors or whatever with us coming and going. I'm inclined to prepare for sale. I'd be sad to leave our home but it feels like the cleanest break. Asking for opinions because honestly I know this will be tough on the kids in general but I'm not sure if remaining in the house makes it any easier.

Why is this your problem, OP? If he's insisting on leaving you, he can deal with the consequences. If he doesn't want the publicity, maybe he should reconsider walking out.

Not my problem at all. Just thinking why he would be so insistent on the highest cost option. I am asking this question because I am wondering if there is truly an benefit from people's experiences on keeping children in the family home. Obviously its not an option for everyone and the kids will land on their feet. More just gathering information.

I think doing what is best financially if this is not a long term separation. Having parents come in/out doesn't seem that stable to me. Each parent having a home where the kids have beds, dressers, and stuff seems to be a better option. Better to make a new normal now than disrupt it later with other partners, etc.