best housing arrangement in separation- what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Child of divorced parents (multiple times each) here. It really doesn't matter. Whether you nest or consciously uncouple or whatever new age method is out there, you are taking a nuclear bomb to their life as they know it - rip the bandaid off now. Separate clean.

[Anonymous]

I would try to stay in the house and have dad visit (as opposed to overnights). If he doesn’t want the conspicuous separation, he should be fine with it. Can he also help with the house maintenance costs?
I feel like selling would be going back to square 1 - I don’t think you would be able to buy a place on your own?
I think visitation is vastly underrated in this country. Kids don’t care who sleeps in the house, dad can put them to bed if he wants and then leave while you are out enjoying some drinks with your girlfriends. Win win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try to stay in the house and have dad visit (as opposed to overnights). If he doesn’t want the conspicuous separation, he should be fine with it. Can he also help with the house maintenance costs?
I feel like selling would be going back to square 1 - I don’t think you would be able to buy a place on your own?
I think visitation is vastly underrated in this country. Kids don’t care who sleeps in the house, dad can put them to bed if he wants and then leave while you are out enjoying some drinks with your girlfriends. Win win!

Do you mean this as mom has custody and dad just visits?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to stay in the house and have dad visit (as opposed to overnights). If he doesn’t want the conspicuous separation, he should be fine with it. Can he also help with the house maintenance costs?
I feel like selling would be going back to square 1 - I don’t think you would be able to buy a place on your own?
I think visitation is vastly underrated in this country. Kids don’t care who sleeps in the house, dad can put them to bed if he wants and then leave while you are out enjoying some drinks with your girlfriends. Win win!

Do you mean this as mom has custody and dad just visits?

Yes, of course this is what PP means. Also, how could dad “leave” young kids at home sleeping while mom is out drinking with girlfriends? The visitation thing sounds good in theory but is horrible in practice. If you wanted to be over at the other person’s home all the time, you shouldn’t have divorced. It’s weird and crates unnecessary entanglement. Also, it leaves one parent totally screwed on paper no matter how involved they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to stay in the house and have dad visit (as opposed to overnights). If he doesn’t want the conspicuous separation, he should be fine with it. Can he also help with the house maintenance costs?
I feel like selling would be going back to square 1 - I don’t think you would be able to buy a place on your own?
I think visitation is vastly underrated in this country. Kids don’t care who sleeps in the house, dad can put them to bed if he wants and then leave while you are out enjoying some drinks with your girlfriends. Win win!

Do you mean this as mom has custody and dad just visits?

It is whatever they agree on on paper, but de facto they spend nights at their house and dad
Comes to visit them unlimited. Leaves for the night though unless mom is away on a business trip or smth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would try to stay in the house and have dad visit (as opposed to overnights). If he doesn’t want the conspicuous separation, he should be fine with it. Can he also help with the house maintenance costs?
I feel like selling would be going back to square 1 - I don’t think you would be able to buy a place on your own?
I think visitation is vastly underrated in this country. Kids don’t care who sleeps in the house, dad can put them to bed if he wants and then leave while you are out enjoying some drinks with your girlfriends. Win win!

Do you mean this as mom has custody and dad just visits?

Yes, of course this is what PP means. Also, how could dad “leave” young kids at home sleeping while mom is out drinking with girlfriends? The visitation thing sounds good in theory but is horrible in practice. If you wanted to be over at the other person’s home all the time, you shouldn’t have divorced. It’s weird and crates unnecessary entanglement. Also, it leaves one parent totally screwed on paper no matter how involved they are.

They can agree 50/50 or whatever on paper. He doesn’t have to be there all the time, maybe Fridays and Saturdays? Whatever they agree on.

[Anonymous]

Sell the home.

[Anonymous]

I would try to live in the same space until home is sold, sooner rather than later. Then hopefully each of you can find a more or less permanent housing solution, apartment/condo whatever, so the kids only have one big moving in the next 2 years or so. You can sell house and divide those assets as you work through a divorce swiftly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child of divorced parents (multiple times each) here. It really doesn't matter. Whether you nest or consciously uncouple or whatever new age method is out there, you are taking a nuclear bomb to their life as they know it - rip the bandaid off now. Separate clean.

This. Clean break and something financially effective. You can't bird-nest forever, and your kids might hate it anyway, especially if you're unable to get along. Don't put them through one weird transition (and yes, they will definitely notice the bird-nesting) and then another transition out of the house. It's very difficult to manage a household across two adults who seldom see each other, and to co-manage an apartment too. So number 3. Or maybe number 1 if you can't quite pull off the logistics of number 3.

Your DH needs to accept that his choice to divorce means the kids don't get to live in a nice house. That's the bottom line. The adults need to own their choices and be real about the consequences and the impact on their children.

[Anonymous]

Sell the house.

[Anonymous]

I agree with selling the house and until you do, why not live together but not sleep together? If you're both fine with that arrangement it will work. My ex-husband and I did it that way. We've been divorced for almost nine years and are still great friends, he and my husband are great friends, and our kids have happy lives.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who did the nesting option and it worked great for their family of 5. Here is her website. https://familynesting.org/

[Anonymous]

Sell the house now and clean split now before things get messy...

I know someone going through a divorce and the house went into foreclosure because things got messy and one person stalled on signing the papers once a buyer was found..by the time the stalling party signed it was too late and foreclosure had begun.

[Anonymous]

A close friend of mine did option 2 - they kept the three kids in the house and got an apartment to rotate in/out of. She was at home with the kids Sat - Tues, he was there Wed - Friday or something like that. It worked well for kids, was a bit stressful for her, but ultimately this seemed to have the least detrimental effect on their family.

[Anonymous]

Is your husband seeing this as a trial separation or as a path to divorce?

Are you both open to marriage counselling - it might be worth doing even if you do end up divorcing.

If there isn't addiction, abuse or adultery - I would see first if there is a way to work through it.

If there is a chance of working through it, I would keep the house for now and stay with friends / family / separate shared apartment.

If there is absolutely no option other than divorce, then I would sell the house now and get two apartments.