If you are an adult woman-- how often do you speak with your mom on the phone?

[Anonymous]

Visiting my parents for Christmas and my mom has been guilt tripping me for not calling more often and I want to see if I am really far off here.

I call my mom every week, usually on the weekends. I leave time for about a 30 minute discussion just me and her, and then give her like another 20 minutes to speak with with two children (like 10 minutes each). I also occasionally text during the week or share photos if something important happens.

We also see them for literally every holiday-- Easter they come to us, Thanksgiving we all meet at my sister's (usually the weekend before or after to accommodate in-law's), and we come visit them every Christmas (Christmas eve is big for DH's family and they are local so we do Christmas Eve in DC and then drive the 5 hours Christmas Day to see my parents).

We also see them several times over the summer (they have a lake house that they are always inviting us to, although next year we will likely only be doing one or two trips instead of one every month because DH is tired of spending all his vacation time with my parents, and I don't blame him-- he doesn't get along well with my mom, which is a whole other conversation)

All in all-- we see them about once a month-- on rare occasions skipping a month and seeing them 6-8 weeks later and they live about 200 miles away.

My sister on the other hand, is also married with children, and calls literally every day, lives about 100 miles away, and my mom visits her about weekly.

Is calling only once a week really outrageous? Keep in mind that I work and am responsible for all transportation to children's activities because my husband works odd hours-- ie I am kind of busy.

How often do you call your parents?

[Anonymous]

My parents live locally and provide childcare for me. We speak daily. My sister lives 1.5 hours away and probably also speaks to my mom daily.

DHs parents get annoyed that we don’t call more but I feel he should do it.

[Anonymous]

I speak to both my parents daily sometimes multiple times a day, we facetime. I cannot imagine not talking to them daily, they are in their 60s and anything can happen. They facetime with grandkids in the weekends and in the mornings before school.

[Anonymous]

never. occasional emails or facebook messages and that's it.

[Anonymous]

1-2 times per day. Sometimes more. The calls can be quick however like 3 minutes just depends on what’s going on.

[Anonymous]

Not often. Maybe once every 6-8 weeks.
We text once a week

[Anonymous]

Once a week. This has been going on since I moved away for college. I think that is plenty for catching up. I initiate most calls.

[Anonymous]

1-2 times a day usually

[Anonymous]

I stopped having phone calls with my mom altogether for various reasons but A LOT of women in my family and friends that I know speak to their mothers daily. For a lot of them, I think it is more the mother who demands/expects it but in general they all have close relationships regardless.

I don't think speaking with her once a week is outrageous but she is clearly comparing your relationship with her to the one your sister has with her. She is putting identical expectations on two different relationships.

If you have a good relationship with her, like her and don't find it too difficult to add in another call or two during the week making the effort might go a long way for her. I bet even just extra text messages would go a long way. Is she lonely? bored?
But if you find that once a week is really all you want or can handle, I don't think there is anything wrong with that and you shouldn't feel guilty over it.

[Anonymous]

I usually call or facetime a few times per week, more often than before I had kids. When I worked full time I would never have had time to call every day.

[Anonymous]

After I moved away from home I called my parents once a week. I'm an only child and live about 600 miles from them. When I was hospitalized several years ago I started calling them every evening and have continued ever since. We usually talk for about 20 minutes. I wish I'd done this a long time ago. Now that they're in their 80s it gives me peace of mind and has helped me pick up on subtle cues about how they're doing.

[Anonymous]

I let all of her calls go to message. I text my dad maybe 4 times a week and we talk when there's lots to update or it's easier then texting, like when making plans. My mom used to call 4-5 times a day, and both my house and my cell each time. Never anything urgent or important, just passive aggressive narcissism. Not answering and not responding is necessary as direct requests to not call did not work.

Anything I share with her (foolishly I try a few times a year) gets made into something about her and she is the most unsupportive supportive person I have ever met (her support just creates more grief, stress and heartache or is racist, sexist, shaming, extremely religious, etc.)

Do what is best for you and your family. Sometimes the cost is too high. My sibling is the good one, he calls my parents all the time, shares everything with them. My mom gets upset I don't share all kid details with her, like acts aghast when she sees kid with glasses that she didn't know about. It is really hard.

You could try to see if there's a different balance that you can manage that keeps her off your back, but what you're doing already sounds like a lot to me. I dont think you could make her happy and keep your boundaries so try to make your boundaries stronger. Like very explicitly telling her weekends are phone time and that's it.

[Anonymous]

Typically once a day, sometimes a few times a day, in rare cases maybe we go a few days if my schedule is too insane. I call my mom every day when I’m driving home from work unless I’m wrapping up calls for work instead.

[Anonymous]

You’re fine. Once a week is ok. She wants more, you set boundaries with what you can or want to do. You can’t make her happy. She’ll just have to deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Some weeks daily, sometimes an entire week with no call. It just depends. If your mom is unhappy with the amount of time you are calling her, she can call you. And, you can choose to pick up the phone, or not, and call her back at a time that works for you. You do not have to choose to accept this guilt!