if one spouse makes substantially more than the other and you both work

[Anonymous]

I make a perfectly good income at a reasonable hour job and I have no interest in being a SAHM. DH and I could both have a job like mine and a nice life in the DC area - we couldn't have EVERYTHING we have today (mainly conveniences to make our life work given his long hours) but we could afford everything for the lifestyle I want and save for retirement etc. I would happily make the trade tomorrow.

DH is in a very high travel / long hours job and makes way way more than I do. He does a lot with the kids / house when he's home (and we outsource a lot of non-kid things) but whenever there is something that would cut into his work, he thinks its my responsibility by default. His argument is he makes x% of our income and therefore we can't risk his job, my argument is that his career choice is his career choice, we don't need that income level, and it is entirely unacceptable to make my career impossible because I'm forced into the default parent role.

I'm just curious how others deal with this dynamic when there is income disparity but both individuals have real careers they value.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to deal with. You don't make as much and he works more; of course you're the default parent. Your options are to accept reality or outsource parenting to a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing to deal with. You don't make as much and he works more; of course you're the default parent. Your options are to accept reality or outsource parenting to a nanny.

But we don't need the income level he makes - he wants the career / prestige - but the money isn't necessary to support our family and raise our kids well. So why does his career decision unilaterally get to determine mine?

[Anonymous]

You don't have two careers that you both value. You have one that he values and two that you value. You're on different pages.
Is it really risking his job to do something occasionally that requires him calling out etc? Are there really any options for him to have a similar career with a different schedule (even with less $). Does he even want that?
Does he realize you do it want to be a SAHM at all?

[Anonymous]

The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing to deal with. You don't make as much and he works more; of course you're the default parent. Your options are to accept reality or outsource parenting to a nanny.

But we don't need the income level he makes - he wants the career / prestige - but the money isn't necessary to support our family and raise our kids well. So why does his career decision unilaterally get to determine mine?

Because you're both letting it and because it's the status quo and much easier than him looking for a new job and changing his routine etc.

[Anonymous]

I think it is more the male/female dynamic rather than $. I make more (more than double) and I am the default parent.

[Anonymous]

It is always a given that the woman is the primary parent. Its not right and its not fair, especially when you both work FT. But when we want to make decisions about clothes, which daycare or dance class, which pediatrician and the decor in the baby's room we initiate the primary parent roll. We are actually a 2 Mom family and both work but who gets to take off when DD is sick or we have no childcare...i do. It sucks but the trade off is, i pick the classes she does ( obviously with some input) i pick the camps, i but her clothes in styles i like etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Hire more help. If you don't want to be a SAHM and his job requires that and he likes his job/doesn't want to quit/neither one of you compromise, you need to pay for more child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

No it doesn't. One can have a very meaningful differenc emaking career and not make all that much. And if she will be supremely unhappy and resentful as a SAHM then that doesn't work either. Compromise and decisions are made together For the good of everyones health, happiness and financial stability in the long run. He may not like being the sole breadwinner either as that's very stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is more the male/female dynamic rather than $. I make more (more than double) and I am the default parent.

It depends on the family. I make about 1/3 of what my wife makes and I am definitely the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is more the male/female dynamic rather than $. I make more (more than double) and I am the default parent.

It depends on the family. I make about 1/3 of what my wife makes and I am definitely the default parent.

Not that it really matters, but I realized I messed up very basic math. She brings in about 2/3 of our HHI and I bring in about 1/3, but I make about 1/2 of what she does not 1/3.

[Anonymous]

I make a good income and have a career, but DH is a big law partner and my field pays far less. I am definitely the default parent. However, DH and I have been together since before we both went to grad school and I was well aware that I was making a choice to go into a lower paid field. I could support us if I needed to, but I went into my marriage with my eyes open and was aware of the fact that DH would likely work longer hours and earn more. It wasn’t a bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is always a given that the woman is the primary parent. Its not right and its not fair, especially when you both work FT. But when we want to make decisions about clothes, which daycare or dance class, which pediatrician and the decor in the baby's room we initiate the primary parent roll. We are actually a 2 Mom family and both work but who gets to take off when DD is sick or we have no childcare...i do. It sucks but the trade off is, i pick the classes she does ( obviously with some input) i pick the camps, i but her clothes in styles i like etc etc.

I've always been curious how roles like this play out in same sex relationships - it seems so much more fair when there aren't biases and norms going into it! How did you end up the default? Was it because you care more about things like the decisions you mentioned? Was it a joint discussion / decisions or just evolved? Does it make you both happy?