if one spouse makes substantially more than the other and you both work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

[Anonymous]

You are wrong and bad wife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is more the male/female dynamic rather than $. I make more (more than double) and I am the default parent.

+1

[Anonymous]

I make twice as much as my husband, yet I took myself off partner track at my consulting firm to take a mommy track job. I work from home 3-4 days a week, am class mom for my preschooler, and do the majority of kid scheduling, transporting, meal planning, cooking, laundry, etc. my husband works long hours as a Fed (aka underpaid compared to industry). We both love our jobs and are committed to them. I like doing house and kid stuff, so this works for us.

He is home every night for bedtime and doesn’t work on the weekends. That would be a breaking point for me. I rarely pull rank on kid stuff with the “my career is more important” line, but if I have important meetings, I have him stay home with sick kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

I'm not sure I agree. I make about what OP makes. My spouse makes more, although maybe not as much as OP's husband. I don't think it is unreasonable that I am the default parent, not so much because she makes a lot more than me, but because her job is much less flexible. It only makes sense for me to place this role. That we could live on my salary (we really couldn't, even living pretty frugally on our HHI) doesn't really matter in my mind

[Anonymous]

Have you ever read Opting Out? It doesn’t have a lot of answers, but describes your dynamic.
https://www.amazon.com/Opting-Out-Women-Really-Careers/dp/0520256573

[Anonymous]

This is a convo you should have had before you got married and had kids. Best thing I learned from Sheryl Sandberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is more the male/female dynamic rather than $. I make more (more than double) and I am the default parent.

Same here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

I make $220k and we have healthy savings. He grew up with a lot of financial insecurity (immigrant from a war torn country where his family lost everything) so has outsized views of what is "necessary" to feel secure.

I really am interested in how other couples have this dynamic play out - we need to work through our misalignment likely with the help of a therapist, I'm mainly just curious right now how others do or don't find a sustainable dynamic.

In that case, percentages of income shouldn't matter. You would be quite well off even if he made the same as you and could live a comfortable life and provide for your kids. You could even support the family on your income alone - so even if he lost his job, your family would be ok after some adjustments! So his arguments are on shaky grounds, objectively.
Can you argue that the value that you see in him as a spouse and as a father is more than an additional half a million a year (or whatever the difference in salary would be)?
If you are worried about your career and if he is not willing to adjust - hire more help, possibly a full time nanny (from his income). If he is not willing to do that...I am not sure what I would do. I would likely divorce.

I'm not sure I agree. I make about what OP makes. My spouse makes more, although maybe not as much as OP's husband. I don't think it is unreasonable that I am the default parent, not so much because she makes a lot more than me, but because her job is much less flexible. It only makes sense for me to place this role. That we could live on my salary (we really couldn't, even living pretty frugally on our HHI) doesn't really matter in my mind

You couldn’t live on $220K?

[Anonymous]

DH is the default parent despite making 2x what I make, because his job is more flexible. It has nothing to do with salary and everything to do with ease of taking off.

[Anonymous]

It’s the male/female thing and your DHs attitude that need to be addressed. I’m the primary earner in my marriage- I make 230k, and DH makes 160k. But I work from home, do I am the default parent and home maker. Drives me up a wall. We outsource a lot but he still doesn’t ever pick up a sick child, take kids to urgent care or deal with day to day appointments. Once he said in mixed company that he had all the benefits of a SAHM with a great salary. I almost died. We’re separated now for this and a whole host of other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH is the default parent despite making 2x what I make, because his job is more flexible. It has nothing to do with salary and everything to do with ease of taking off.

Simlar situation here. I (DH) make 10x what DW makes, but I have a very flexible schedule since I own the company. I'm the one with the kids all day this week during winter break (and working at 1am to catch up.. but that's another story).

[Anonymous]

Wow. Shocked at what I am reading here. Our traditional marriage (male/female) is a partnership.

I earn 30% of what DH earns (think $180 and $50k), and we split/share parenting. If one of the kids is sick, we look at our day and see who can take off. Sometimes me, sometimes him, sometimes we split the day, one staying home in the morning, one staying home in the afternoon.

This is all about your relationship and who you choose to marry, not about who earns more or who is male and who is female.

[Anonymous]

We are in the EXACT same situation. I now SAH bc we have a young baby but when I worked the dynamic was the same bc I earned less. Deep down he’s not wrong. We actually went to therapy for a while about this and it’s apparently tied to his Leave it to Beaver type grandmother that partially raised him. So look for something in his past to help understand how he got this kind of expectation.
What helped me was to visit him at work like once or twice and then I got a feel for the insanity and high pressure of his job that he does all day m-f. Also I realized by the time I doubted how much time I b^tched about it, went to therapy about it, and generally bucked it, the task could have been done a long time ago. So just accept this is who you married, get perspective that his job is like none of your friends’ husbands, and hire help or just do it quickly yourself. Let a lot of my resentment go.
Very happily married btw!

[Anonymous]

Friend from college had this dynamic. He was the big earner. Then ended up divorced and now he is the full time Dad every other week. He was forced to do the default parenting on his week as a result and schedule his travel and heavy work load on the other weeks. It made him be a better and more involved father.