if one spouse makes substantially more than the other and you both work

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are in the EXACT same situation. I now SAH bc we have a young baby but when I worked the dynamic was the same bc I earned less. Deep down he’s not wrong. We actually went to therapy for a while about this and it’s apparently tied to his Leave it to Beaver type grandmother that partially raised him. So look for something in his past to help understand how he got this kind of expectation.
What helped me was to visit him at work like once or twice and then I got a feel for the insanity and high pressure of his job that he does all day m-f. Also I realized by the time I doubted how much time I b^tched about it, went to therapy about it, and generally bucked it, the task could have been done a long time ago. So just accept this is who you married, get perspective that his job is like none of your friends’ husbands, and hire help or just do it quickly yourself. Let a lot of my resentment go.
Very happily married btw!

You visited him at work to see how intense his job is?

What?!

Met him for coffee ONCE and one bring your kids to work day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The answers to this entirely depend on your salary levels - in particular, yours. Do you make 70k? Or 250k? Savings also come into play.

This doesn’t matter. Here’s what matters:
1). How are the kids doing?
2). Do you have good childcare that you like?
3). If you quit your job or cut back, how hard is it to return to full time?
4). Is there anything that you like about parenting/homemaking?

If kids are doing terribly, you have gone through three nannies in two years, it’s super easy to return to your job because of a high barrier to entry, and you love being at home playing with your children, then quit.

If your kids are amazing partly because of your awesome nanny, you could never get this kind of a job again, and you love your children, but they are better in small doses, then hire an equally amazing housekeeper and stay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I make a perfectly good income at a reasonable hour job and I have no interest in being a SAHM. DH and I could both have a job like mine and a nice life in the DC area - we couldn't have EVERYTHING we have today (mainly conveniences to make our life work given his long hours) but we could afford everything for the lifestyle I want and save for retirement etc. I would happily make the trade tomorrow.

DH is in a very high travel / long hours job and makes way way more than I do. He does a lot with the kids / house when he's home (and we outsource a lot of non-kid things) but whenever there is something that would cut into his work, he thinks its my responsibility by default. His argument is he makes x% of our income and therefore we can't risk his job, my argument is that his career choice is his career choice, we don't need that income level, and it is entirely unacceptable to make my career impossible because I'm forced into the default parent role.

I'm just curious how others deal with this dynamic when there is income disparity but both individuals have real careers they value.

You're not being logical.

Your husband could as easily, and with far more justification, say that the two of you don't need YOUR income, AT ALL, and you should quit work entirely and be a full time SAHM. Problem solved. After all--you admitted that you don't really need YOUR income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s the male/female thing and your DHs attitude that need to be addressed. I’m the primary earner in my marriage- I make 230k, and DH makes 160k. But I work from home, do I am the default parent and home maker. Drives me up a wall. We outsource a lot but he still doesn’t ever pick up a sick child, take kids to urgent care or deal with day to day appointments. Once he said in mixed company that he had all the benefits of a SAHM with a great salary. I almost died. We’re separated now for this and a whole host of other reasons.

That right there is cause for divorce.

Let me just tell you how much I’m enjoying being separated. I’m like a new baby bird stretching my wings and testing out my new found life of not constantly slaving to his needs and also being the primary income earner/parent/home maker. It. Is. Amazing.