Stepmom sent me used scarf for Christmas? Ok to walk away from evil Stepmom?

[Anonymous]

She had a picture of her in the scarf posting selfies a while back and when she purchased it at a very unique store only in a remote location. She sent it to me with tags off. So this is pretty typical and she does the same for my kids. Her kids and grandkids get hundreds of dollars spent on them all while posting on every shopping trip with lunches and bags of goodies.

While I typically don’t care so much anymore, i have quite a bit going on in my life (my husband has cancer) and this time it is crushing me beyond belief. I have put up with it for about 20!years so I can just have a relationship with my dad. I can’t do it anymore. I told my Dad today I just can’t be treated so blatantly horrible anymore. There is also horrible treatment and mean words that she sends my way, so no it’s just not about gifts or lack thereof. A few Christmas ago, we flew down to the city near them and asked if we could surprise them for Christmas. She said no. She had her kids there.

My dad crushed and said he is sorry and wished he was stronger to stand up to her. He usually calls every few weeks when she is not around and out running errands.

Tell me it’s ok to walk away from her? Anyone been in this situation with the evil Stepmom? How to deal?

[Anonymous]

I mean it’s ok to just walk away from my Dad as well, right? I just can’t take the pain anymore.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely. I'm sorry that your dad is not choosing to stand up for you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your peace and your husband's health.

[Anonymous]

You need to take of yourself and your family first, OP. It's okay to step away.

[Anonymous]

First: hugs to you. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Focus on your husband right now and your own nuclear family.

Second: you don’t need to make a lifetime decision about your dad. It’s totally ok to let him know you’d like to keep your relationship with him, but that you can’t with SM anymore. If he can’t accept that, then you need to take a break from both of them for a while.

Make space and emotional distance for yourself. Tell your SM that you’d like to avoid exchanging presents going forward. If your dad wants to get you/your kids something, then only exchange gifts with him. Unplug yourself from FB or whatever other social media accounts you have with SM. You will never convince her to be equitable with you, so stop looking.

And definitely don’t repeat the unannounced stop-by trips. That isn’t the relationship you have with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I'm sorry that your dad is not choosing to stand up for you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your peace and your husband's health.

This was so very kind! I appreciate your kind words and taking time to write this to a stranger. Thank you for your kindness! -op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First: hugs to you. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Focus on your husband right now and your own nuclear family.

Second: you don’t need to make a lifetime decision about your dad. It’s totally ok to let him know you’d like to keep your relationship with him, but that you can’t with SM anymore. If he can’t accept that, then you need to take a break from both of them for a while.

Make space and emotional distance for yourself. Tell your SM that you’d like to avoid exchanging presents going forward. If your dad wants to get you/your kids something, then only exchange gifts with him. Unplug yourself from FB or whatever other social media accounts you have with SM. You will never convince her to be equitable with you, so stop looking.

And definitely don’t repeat the unannounced stop-by trips. That isn’t the relationship you have with them.

Thank you!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take of yourself and your family first, OP. It's okay to step away.

thank you!

[Anonymous]

So far I'm not seeing this as a reason to walk away completely. I might stop doing gifts and lower my own expectations but it takes a lot for me to walk away.

[Anonymous]

The best thing you can do for your relationship with you Dad is to expect nothing from her and be grateful for anything she gives you. The moment that you are no longer disappointed by her actions is when you will truly have a better relationship with both her and your Dad. Never let anyone’s behavior determine your relationship with another. Also why are you surprised and upset by this, it seems as though there is a history here with her disappointing you. Change your expectations. Is it possible you commented on the scarf and she believed you would love it? Who cares if it’s used. Be polite, thank her and move on. Don’t let this ruin any relationships. I sorry your feelings are hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She had a picture of her in the scarf posting selfies a while back and when she purchased it at a very unique store only in a remote location. She sent it to me with tags off. So this is pretty typical and she does the same for my kids. Her kids and grandkids get hundreds of dollars spent on them all while posting on every shopping trip with lunches and bags of goodies.

While I typically don’t care so much anymore, i have quite a bit going on in my life (my husband has cancer) and this time it is crushing me beyond belief. I have put up with it for about 20!years so I can just have a relationship with my dad. I can’t do it anymore. I told my Dad today I just can’t be treated so blatantly horrible anymore. There is also horrible treatment and mean words that she sends my way, so no it’s just not about gifts or lack thereof. A few Christmas ago, we flew down to the city near them and asked if we could surprise them for Christmas. She said no. She had her kids there.

My dad crushed and said he is sorry and wished he was stronger to stand up to her. He usually calls every few weeks when she is not around and out running errands.

Tell me it’s ok to walk away from her? Anyone been in this situation with the evil Stepmom? How to deal?

Are you me?

We have a very similar situation.

Half of the siblings would not have a relationship with her, and she/they cut us off. My dad can see us in stolen minutes, only if she is at the store or out with friends, and if she is coming home he will suddenly cut off the visit to sneak home. My kids had not seen him for years. We travelled almost 15 hours this summer to see him. He called us when we were 2 hours away saying he was able to meet us Now (he knew our arrival time) but when we reminded him that we were still hours away and would see him then, he mumbled some excuse then turned off his phone. A 15 hour drive with grandkids he has not seen in years who drove out for the sole purpose of seeing him, and he could not make it work because it did not match with her trip to Kohls, yet he flues to see her grandkids several times per year.

The siblings who accommodated and included her used to be able to sometimes see him, but once she started to get her own grandkids, they slowly started to get cut off too.

OP, I really understand your pain, especially around the holidays.

You have to give yourself permission to do two things.

One is to give yourself permission to not play her game. You can't win, and since you are the only one who cares, you will be the only one to get hurt. Your dad is a coward, the woman is a bitch, and neither one will choose to do the right thing whether you fight them or give in. Some people are just weak, and others are just vindictive and mean. You have one of each in your father and his wife. It sucks, but you will only get more hurt the more you try to play her game.

Second, you have to forgive your father, and give yourself permission to love him without a relationship and in spite of rejection. His character is weak. Fighting with him only gives you pain. Love him, but don't expect love in return. Forgive his weakness. Separate yourself from him and let the burden go by focusing on those who love you back, and who love your kids back. In my case it was my inlaws, including my very annoying MIL who loves my kids dearly.

Your father has made a choice. You have to forgive him and move on, even if it means putting that relationship in the past.

[Anonymous]

Isn’t this something to laugh at? It happens in my family and we just joke about it.

[Anonymous]

Place the scarf on your dog, take a picture and put that on social media. Better yet, do a side by side photo with SM wearing it. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

I think if you read this board, you’ll find that if your reaction to any gift is anything less than sincere gratitude, you’ll be called a horrible, ungrateful person who doesn’t deserve anything. Or it’s your problem because you should just laugh it off.

But! Those people are wrong. Drop your stepmother. Her actions show you aren’t her priority, so don’t make her yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely. I'm sorry that your dad is not choosing to stand up for you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for your peace and your husband's health.

Your dad made his choice abundantly clear. He chose his wife over his daughter and told you. The gift of this is that you can let them go now. I'm sorry things are this way. As someone with a similar situation, I can tell you that your kid's don't need him, so there's no los there either. I'm sorry.

As for your husband... I'm sorry. Caregiving is overwhelming --btdt. The hidden gift of this experience is that it brings some clarity and is a great opportunity for you to remove everyone from your life that you don't need. Surround yourself with better people. Join an advocacy group for his disease, and you will meet the best people ever. I don't want to say "cancer was the best thing for...." because it wasn't. That period sucked and we are scarred.

But at least for me, it improved my relationships with my useless parents because I stopped banging my head against the wall and simply pulled away.

I wish you two strength and health.