Reply to Stepmom sent me used scarf for Christmas? Ok to walk away from evil Stepmom?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She had a picture of her in the scarf posting selfies a while back and when she purchased it at a very unique store only in a remote location. She sent it to me with tags off. So this is pretty typical and she does the same for my kids. Her kids and grandkids get hundreds of dollars spent on them all while posting on every shopping trip with lunches and bags of goodies.

While I typically don’t care so much anymore, i have quite a bit going on in my life (my husband  has cancer) and this time it is crushing me beyond belief. I have put up with it for about 20!years so I can just have a relationship with my dad. I can’t do it anymore. I told my Dad today I just can’t be treated so blatantly horrible anymore. There is also horrible treatment and mean words that she sends my way, so no it’s just not about gifts or lack thereof. A few Christmas ago, we flew down to the city near them and asked if we could surprise them for Christmas. She said no. She had her kids there.

My dad crushed and said he is sorry and wished he was stronger to stand up to her. He usually calls every few weeks when she is not around and out running errands.

Tell me it’s ok to walk away from her?  Anyone been in this situation with the evil Stepmom? How to deal?

[/quote]

Are you me?

We have a very similar situation.

Half of the siblings would not have a relationship with her, and she/they cut us off. My dad can see us in stolen minutes, only if she is at the store or out with friends, and if she is coming home he will suddenly cut off the visit to sneak home. My kids had not seen him for years. We travelled almost 15 hours this summer to see him. He called us when we were 2 hours away saying he was able to meet us Now (he knew our arrival time) but when we reminded him that we were still hours away and would see him then, he mumbled some excuse then turned off his phone. A 15 hour drive with grandkids he has not seen in years who drove out for the sole purpose of seeing him, and he could not make it work because it did not match with her trip to Kohls, yet he flues to see her grandkids several times per year.

The siblings who accommodated and included her used to be able to sometimes see him, but once she started to get her own grandkids, they slowly started to get cut off too.

OP, I really understand your pain, especially around the holidays.

You have to give yourself permission to do two things.

One is to give yourself permission to not play her game.  You can't win, and since you are the only one who cares, you will be the only one to get hurt.  Your dad is a coward, the woman is a bitch, and neither one will choose to do the right thing whether you fight them or give in.  Some people are just weak, and others are just vindictive and mean.  You have one of each in your father and his wife.  It sucks, but you will only get more hurt the more you try to play her game.

Second, you have to forgive your father, and give yourself permission to love him without a relationship and in spite of rejection. His character is weak. Fighting with him only gives you pain. Love him, but don't expect love in return. Forgive his weakness. Separate yourself from him and let the burden go by focusing on those who love you back, and who love your kids back. In my case it was my inlaws, including my very annoying MIL who loves my kids dearly.

Your father has made a choice. You have to forgive him and move on, even if it means putting that relationship in the past.[/quote]

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