Stepmom sent me used scarf for Christmas? Ok to walk away from evil Stepmom?

[Anonymous]

Forget the scarf. Throw it out or donate. The only realtionship you need to wrorry about is with your dad. Forget her and move on. 2019 can be a great new beginning.

[Anonymous]

What did your dad give you? Why is it your stepmother's job to buy you presents rather than your father? This really should be on him yet you were criticizing your stepmother. Your father is the one who should be responsible for getting you and your family gifts. This is an example of the emotional work that is expected of women. Blame your father, not your stepmother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What did your dad give you? Why is it your stepmother's job to buy you presents rather than your father? This really should be on him yet you were criticizing your stepmother. Your father is the one who should be responsible for getting you and your family gifts. This is an example of the emotional work that is expected of women. Blame your father, not your stepmother.

+1. Quite possibly, stepmom expected the father to get the present, and when he didn’t, she helped him out by offering something of hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She had a picture of her in the scarf posting selfies a while back and when she purchased it at a very unique store only in a remote location. She sent it to me with tags off. So this is pretty typical and she does the same for my kids. Her kids and grandkids get hundreds of dollars spent on them all while posting on every shopping trip with lunches and bags of goodies.

While I typically don’t care so much anymore, i have quite a bit going on in my life (my husband has cancer) and this time it is crushing me beyond belief. I have put up with it for about 20!years so I can just have a relationship with my dad. I can’t do it anymore. I told my Dad today I just can’t be treated so blatantly horrible anymore. There is also horrible treatment and mean words that she sends my way, so no it’s just not about gifts or lack thereof. A few Christmas ago, we flew down to the city near them and asked if we could surprise them for Christmas. She said no. She had her kids there.

My dad crushed and said he is sorry and wished he was stronger to stand up to her. He usually calls every few weeks when she is not around and out running errands.

Tell me it’s ok to walk away from her? Anyone been in this situation with the evil Stepmom? How to deal?

Are you me?

We have a very similar situation.

Half of the siblings would not have a relationship with her, and she/they cut us off. My dad can see us in stolen minutes, only if she is at the store or out with friends, and if she is coming home he will suddenly cut off the visit to sneak home. My kids had not seen him for years. We travelled almost 15 hours this summer to see him. He called us when we were 2 hours away saying he was able to meet us Now (he knew our arrival time) but when we reminded him that we were still hours away and would see him then, he mumbled some excuse then turned off his phone. A 15 hour drive with grandkids he has not seen in years who drove out for the sole purpose of seeing him, and he could not make it work because it did not match with her trip to Kohls, yet he flues to see her grandkids several times per year.

The siblings who accommodated and included her used to be able to sometimes see him, but once she started to get her own grandkids, they slowly started to get cut off too.

OP, I really understand your pain, especially around the holidays.

You have to give yourself permission to do two things.

One is to give yourself permission to not play her game. You can't win, and since you are the only one who cares, you will be the only one to get hurt. Your dad is a coward, the woman is a bitch, and neither one will choose to do the right thing whether you fight them or give in. Some people are just weak, and others are just vindictive and mean. You have one of each in your father and his wife. It sucks, but you will only get more hurt the more you try to play her game.

Second, you have to forgive your father, and give yourself permission to love him without a relationship and in spite of rejection. His character is weak. Fighting with him only gives you pain. Love him, but don't expect love in return. Forgive his weakness. Separate yourself from him and let the burden go by focusing on those who love you back, and who love your kids back. In my case it was my inlaws, including my very annoying MIL who loves my kids dearly.

Your father has made a choice. You have to forgive him and move on, even if it means putting that relationship in the past.

NP here. I am in the same situation. My SM won't allow photos of me in the house. I agree with PP that the best revenge is living well and forgiving your father enough so that you can have whatever relationship with him you can. It may mean telling him how you feel and suggesting solutions - he comes to visit you 1X year and support him to make that happen in the face of your SM.

[Anonymous]

Wow this sounds so much like my SMIL and FIL. You have a right to take care of you and your nuclear family. You have a right to expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

This is on your dad. I am impressed he actually admits he is doing something wrong-allowing this and not standing up to her. My FIL never admits anything.

I would absolutely stop all gifts. I would take the high road and tell her the gift is seeing loved ones and you no longer want to exchange material things with them. If she insists, I would simply donate the gifts if you don't like them.

You can reach out to your dad and try to maintain a relationship if you desire. If he insists everything be with her and then he allows poor treatment, that is on him.

Just know that you are not alone. It was very freeing when we stepped away from being treated like dirt while the stepmom's biological child and grandchildren were royalty. Sadly my FIL refused to stand up to her and refused to even acknowledged anything was wrong. Now she treats him like dirt because he is no longer of use to her (retired and has health isssues).

[Anonymous]

Save the scarf and give it to her for her birthday/Christmas next year.