When you play the "did I cause it?" game--does it ever stop

[Anonymous]

I rarely play this game with myself. Most of the time I'm too busy but in moments of downtime like now at the holidays thoughts creep into my head even though my kid is no longer small. Was it the drinking I did before I knew I was pregnant? The lack of prenatal vitamins at the beginning (since I wasn't actively trying) ? Was it the exposure to my cat after she underwent radiation treatment ? My age? How could I have been so generally cavalier? Or maybe none of these and total hazard. My poor kid. I was so much better the second time around and I knew what it meant to have a kid and I had already transformed into a mother.

[Anonymous]

I do it all the time now. My tween is so mean and vile. Nothing like his sweet little elementary student self of just last year. I feel like an abused wife in the way he treats me. The stuff that comes out of his mouth, twisting and manipulating everything so it’s all my fault. Makes him sound like a true narcissist. NPD. And I get scared it’s my parenting that’s doing it, even though he’s now got a diagnosis of depression and ODD on top of ADHD and anxiety. I just pray therapy, meds, and whatever other resources I have will help set him back on the right path....

[Anonymous]

This post is coming at the right time for me tonight. Just had a terrible meltdown with kid, I lost my shit. I just cant do it right now. I’m at home now drinking wine and crying. God I never stop wondering which parts are my fault and which aren’t. And whether I just constantly make things even worse.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I was thinking the other day that we're all nature and nuture .... and I was responsible for both! I'm also on the "maybe it was that time she fell from the jungle gym and the ER doctor said she was fine, but maybe I should have asked for a neurologist....." track.
Fun times.

[Anonymous]

You have to let go of thoughts that you caused your child’s special needs. That is not helping you or your child. Think about seeing a counselor about it.

[Anonymous]

Occasionally I have done this. I didn't know I was pregnant until I was 7 weeks along, and on a couple occasions had 3 beers or glasses of wine in an evening because I had totally given up on ever getting pregnant.

But when I look at all of my son's "red flags" -- they are all things I did as a child. So is it "my fault?" It certainly is my genetics.

[Anonymous]

I play too. At the re-evaluation, the LDs are getting worse, not better. I did follow the rules though with the first, not so much the second. Still, we didn't do enough to help him early on; maybe we could have had more success by now.

[Anonymous]

As much as I worried before kids about my genes, oddly, Now I don’t. I do worry about my actions (past and present). I think staying in my abusive marriage caused older DD’s anxiety and flooded younger DD with stress hormones when she was in utero.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know. I also didn’t know I wa pregnant until I was 5 weeks and drank, and my son actually has some of the features and characteristics of FAS although we also have those features in our family. And very severe adhd is hard to distinguish probably. I know it would be very rare in the first 5?weeks. And I don’t think a diagnosis of that would benefit him - we already have done/do every therapy and have done med evaluations etc. But the fear and horror that it’s my fault never goes away. It intensifies when his issues worsen.

[Anonymous]

I've been playing it for 15 years....just assumed it never ends.

Although it has gotten better over the years. I've probably gone from once a day, to once a week, to about once a month now. But I still have that thought in the back of my mind, right or wrong.

[Anonymous]

Op here--I also didn't know til about 6 or 7 weeks. My kid has a non-hereditary (so spontaneous) genetic issue so it was likely caused by my old eggs than anything I did or didn't do but I still wonder if his other issues would be less if I had done or not done something. A large part of it (the regret I feel) is the fact I was so dead set against motherhood changing me or anything I did. I couldn't even write "mother" in the paperwork for the birth certificate because I couldn't think of myself in that way.

[Anonymous]

I got nasty colds when I was pregnant and I keep blaming myself for taking the medication that my doctor told me its safe. If I go back I won't take them. But also I was not being able to breath or hear from fluids. To add to it, my mom once made the comment that it was my fault for getting sick because I tend to take showers and go outside. But again, I try to focus on the progress my kid is making and exercise as much as I can. I know I can use therapyp. But can't afford it. I rather use the money for my kid therapy.

[Anonymous]

Not your fault guys! Nothing you did in pregnancy or when they were babies caused this. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I rarely play this game with myself. Most of the time I'm too busy but in moments of downtime like now at the holidays thoughts creep into my head even though my kid is no longer small. Was it the drinking I did before I knew I was pregnant? The lack of prenatal vitamins at the beginning (since I wasn't actively trying) ? Was it the exposure to my cat after she underwent radiation treatment ? My age? How could I have been so generally cavalier? Or maybe none of these and total hazard. My poor kid. I was so much better the second time around and I knew what it meant to have a kid and I had already transformed into a mother.

Nope not the alcohol or lack of prenatal -I'm in the same boat. Not trying, infinitesimal chance of pregnancy based on one time of unprotected sex with DH (I was in my mid thirties). Doc said that before six weeks, it would be most likely that you would miscarry than cause subtle harm to baby. After that, I assume the baby is more viable and things like heavy drinking, drugs, poor nutrition could affect the outcome. I could never tell if she was trying to make feel better, but she was stern that there is time for neurological development and it's not before six weeks.

I think you can let go of the cat thing- the way that I let go of wondering about the BPA baby bottles and whether I should have been using a cellphone.

If it helps OP- I wasn't a Girl Scout in the weeks leading up to my big surprise. My DS has ADHD and some delays. My family also has conditions that mirror my DS. My DS also has an IQ approaching 150. It's my belief that IQ is equally or more vulnerable to the effects of alcohol, nutrition, etc. if I had harmed my baby with my behavior, he wouldn't be this intelligent.

People will tell you to put it behind you- and you should. But I'm also telling you that your behavior in early pregnancy (and certainly not your cat) is extremely unlikely to have impacted your child's outcomes.

[Anonymous]

It's genetic, so yes, we did it, but no, it's not our fault.

This is why I am very much in favor of finding out a significant other's health history (along with his or her family's) before marriage and kids.