When you play the "did I cause it?" game--does it ever stop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got nasty colds when I was pregnant and I keep blaming myself for taking the medication that my doctor told me its safe. If I go back I won't take them. But also I was not being able to breath or hear from fluids. To add to it, my mom once made the comment that it was my fault for getting sick because I tend to take showers and go outside. But again, I try to focus on the progress my kid is making and exercise as much as I can. I know I can use therapyp. But can't afford it. I rather use the money for my kid therapy.

I commented before- but I took Tylenol with diphenhydramine before I knew I was pregnant (I posted earlier that the chances of pregnancy were so low I never considered it) - it didn't affect things. My friend told me *her* friend was dancing on a table with margaritas without knowing she was six weeks pregnant. Baby was fine- completely typical.

None of this is to encourage irresponsibility- I am pretty disgusted by people who drink or do recreational drugs when they know they are pregnant or have reason to suspect that they could be, but taking your doc's advice on cold medication doesn't fall into that category.

Think of all of the women who do everything "right" in pregnancy and infancy and have children with special needs. I remember crying to my grandmother because I was one of the few low producers who couldn't breast feed I was sure my child wouldn't be smart and would be sick all of the time. My grandmother said "I'm sure there are a lot of stupid people in the world who were breastfed." It was a laugh but also common sense.

[Anonymous]

My oldest is SN with lots of mental health issues and of course I have played this game with myself many times even though I did almost everything *right* with him in utero and as a baby/toddler. Organic diet, natural childbirth, breastfed, no screens, all natural toys, read all the books, etc etc etc.

My surprise fourth baby---I didn't know I was pregnant until almost 20 weeks, drank, was on doctor prescribed diet pills, caffeine, no vitamins, nothing --he was 100% formula fed and I was stressed to the limit when he was an infant/toddler and he also had tons of screen time AND I think his first solid food was a french fry on the floor... and he is 10 now and absolutely "normal" in every way.

Holiday season is extra stressful for all SN families in different ways. Please try to stop blaming yourselves!

[Anonymous]

Five Christmases ago, my MIL idly mentioned that I had sipped some of DH's wine at a wedding while pregnant with my DC with ASD. "Do you think that wine caused it? Oh, don't you wish you could travel back in time!" Still have not forgiven her. Eff her.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if IVF impacted autism diagnosis - lovely boy but I play that tape regularly.

[Anonymous]

Wonder if IVF impacted autism diagnosis - lovely boy but I play that tape regularly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five Christmases ago, my MIL idly mentioned that I had sipped some of DH's wine at a wedding while pregnant with my DC with ASD. "Do you think that wine caused it? Oh, don't you wish you could travel back in time!" Still have not forgiven her. Eff her.

I would have told her to piss off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Five Christmases ago, my MIL idly mentioned that I had sipped some of DH's wine at a wedding while pregnant with my DC with ASD. "Do you think that wine caused it? Oh, don't you wish you could travel back in time!" Still have not forgiven her. Eff her.

Wow. I despise your MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got nasty colds when I was pregnant and I keep blaming myself for taking the medication that my doctor told me its safe. If I go back I won't take them. But also I was not being able to breath or hear from fluids. To add to it, my mom once made the comment that it was my fault for getting sick because I tend to take showers and go outside. But again, I try to focus on the progress my kid is making and exercise as much as I can. I know I can use therapyp. But can't afford it. I rather use the money for my kid therapy.

I commented before- but I took Tylenol with diphenhydramine before I knew I was pregnant (I posted earlier that the chances of pregnancy were so low I never considered it) - it didn't affect things. My friend told me *her* friend was dancing on a table with margaritas without knowing she was six weeks pregnant. Baby was fine- completely typical.

None of this is to encourage irresponsibility- I am pretty disgusted by people who drink or do recreational drugs when they know they are pregnant or have reason to suspect that they could be, but taking your doc's advice on cold medication doesn't fall into that category.

Think of all of the women who do everything "right" in pregnancy and infancy and have children with special needs. I remember crying to my grandmother because I was one of the few low producers who couldn't breast feed I was sure my child wouldn't be smart and would be sick all of the time. My grandmother said "I'm sure there are a lot of stupid people in the world who were breastfed." It was a laugh but also common sense.

I know! My sister was heavy smoker during her three pregnancies before she quit. Two kids graduated on honor list and third about to finish high school. Not honor student, but do doing well! None of them smoke or did drugs that we know of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Five Christmases ago, my MIL idly mentioned that I had sipped some of DH's wine at a wedding while pregnant with my DC with ASD. "Do you think that wine caused it? Oh, don't you wish you could travel back in time!" Still have not forgiven her. Eff her.

Wow. I despise your MIL

Mine told me when my typical son was having transition issues in new school if I though that its because I gave more attention to my other SN kid. That's why we are spending Christmas alone! I told my husband that I need a break from his mother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is SN with lots of mental health issues and of course I have played this game with myself many times even though I did almost everything *right* with him in utero and as a baby/toddler. Organic diet, natural childbirth, breastfed, no screens, all natural toys, read all the books, etc etc etc.

My surprise fourth baby---I didn't know I was pregnant until almost 20 weeks, drank, was on doctor prescribed diet pills, caffeine, no vitamins, nothing --he was 100% formula fed and I was stressed to the limit when he was an infant/toddler and he also had tons of screen time AND I think his first solid food was a french fry on the floor... and he is 10 now and absolutely "normal" in every way.

Holiday season is extra stressful for all SN families in different ways. Please try to stop blaming yourselves!

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with severe special needs/genetic mutation/will never be independent. I did everything “perfectly” with this pregnancy. My second I was very laid back and broke many rules and she is incredibly advanced and so far totally typical in every way. It’s a crap shoot.

[Anonymous]

You guys, I understand having these feelings of guilt, I have them too sometimes. But I KNOW THEY ARE IRRATIONAL.

I am pretty horrified that so many posters here seem to actually believe that their failure to eat 100% organic food while pregnant or stop drinking years before they conceived actually caused their children’s special needs.

This is sexist magical thinking which blames women for basically everything in society. It’s basically the same as when people used to burn witches when there was a poor harvest.

We all hate the PP’s MIL who blamed the PP’s single sip of wine for her child’s autism. But you are basically doing that same thing to yourselves, and by extension every other woman who has a child with special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is SN with lots of mental health issues and of course I have played this game with myself many times even though I did almost everything *right* with him in utero and as a baby/toddler. Organic diet, natural childbirth, breastfed, no screens, all natural toys, read all the books, etc etc etc.

My surprise fourth baby---I didn't know I was pregnant until almost 20 weeks, drank, was on doctor prescribed diet pills, caffeine, no vitamins, nothing --he was 100% formula fed and I was stressed to the limit when he was an infant/toddler and he also had tons of screen time AND I think his first solid food was a french fry on the floor... and he is 10 now and absolutely "normal" in every way.

Holiday season is extra stressful for all SN families in different ways. Please try to stop blaming yourselves!

I know you! Guys, this mom is awesome. Take her advice. Happy holidays to us all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest is SN with lots of mental health issues and of course I have played this game with myself many times even though I did almost everything *right* with him in utero and as a baby/toddler. Organic diet, natural childbirth, breastfed, no screens, all natural toys, read all the books, etc etc etc.

My surprise fourth baby---I didn't know I was pregnant until almost 20 weeks, drank, was on doctor prescribed diet pills, caffeine, no vitamins, nothing --he was 100% formula fed and I was stressed to the limit when he was an infant/toddler and he also had tons of screen time AND I think his first solid food was a french fry on the floor... and he is 10 now and absolutely "normal" in every way.

Holiday season is extra stressful for all SN families in different ways. Please try to stop blaming yourselves!

NP. +1
My very conscientious cousin did everything "right" during her first pregnancy and had twins. One has special needs while the other is NT and a terrific, honor roll student who is very active in the community and has a great group of friends. They are in MS. When I go down this road, which I do a lot, I think about my nieces and just how random all this is.

[Anonymous]

I married my DH knowing there was a very serious genetic disease that ran through his family (three affected siblings and two affected first cousins) but the chances I also carried the recessive gene were very low. My kids do not have it.

But one has a disorder which has an inherited tendency. I knew nothing about a history of it on his side until long after one of my kids was affected. And we are now doing testing on the other DC, now a young adult, for another genetic disorder that certainly would have come from his side given his ethnicity. He has no relatives affected with it that we know of.

I would not dream of pressing the issue with DH. It's all the luck of the draw, and he has a niece and a nephew who are completely unaffected by any genetic/inherited disorder despite both parents coming from the same ethnic group.