Has anyone here experienced limerance?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in limerance for the past 6 months until now, over a guy I’ve never spoken to. It’s taken over my life as I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. It sounds crazy but I feel like we have a lot in common and are a good match. How do I get out of this fantasy and step back to reality?

And just wanted to know, has anyone formed a relationship with their limerant and did it last?

[Anonymous]

I was after meeting a traveling attorney. Wonderful experience, still keep in touch, one experience. He's married and Ludacris wrote a song about him . . .

Burn a little sage and get him out of your mind!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, yes. Mine only lasted three months, thankfully (he's one of my fitness instructors). It sucked.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Yum. Loved limerance.

[Anonymous]

Try to meet someone and start a relationship. You'll probably conclude that reality is better than fantasy.

[Anonymous]

It's spelled "limerence." And the phenomenon Dorothy Tennov and others are describing is not infatuation. It is intrusive, painful, disruptive, and can last for years. No one who has experienced it would wish it on their worst enemy.

The best way to get over a garden-variety infatuation is to just get with someone else.

Limerence can happen when there are obstacles preventing you from connecting with someone else and so the uncertainty and frustration of the situation is not resolved.

[Anonymous]

I had it. I loved it. I wish everybody could experience it. I mean, it was a huge crush, and yes there were obstacles, but I just straight out told him I had a crush on him. And lo! it was reciprocated. And it got even better.

[Anonymous]

Yes, took years of my life. Cut contact, and immerse yourself in something else. you'll be depressed for a while, but you'll come out with your dignity.

I also think some of it is rooted in untreated OCD and/or anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's spelled "limerence." And the phenomenon Dorothy Tennov and others are describing is not infatuation. It is intrusive, painful, disruptive, and can last for years. No one who has experienced it would wish it on their worst enemy.

The best way to get over a garden-variety infatuation is to just get with someone else.

Limerence can happen when there are obstacles preventing you from connecting with someone else and so the uncertainty and frustration of the situation is not resolved.

yep. it's not light and happy for 99% of the time. There might be .01 percent of a thrill if/when the other engages.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the last post too. Real limerence is very, very painful and disruptive. No one would say they "love" it and it was "amazing." The best thing to do is focus on your personal values and goals. Really focus on what you have to offer others and the world. I also found medication helped with the obsessive part of it. I used something different but many use Lexapro (which is used for anxiety/OCD).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's spelled "limerence." And the phenomenon Dorothy Tennov and others are describing is not infatuation. It is intrusive, painful, disruptive, and can last for years. No one who has experienced it would wish it on their worst enemy.

The best way to get over a garden-variety infatuation is to just get with someone else.

Limerence can happen when there are obstacles preventing you from connecting with someone else and so the uncertainty and frustration of the situation is not resolved.

Please elaborate on this!

My limerence object keeps me from connecting with my husband.

[Anonymous]

It's the reverse. The fact that you are married makes it impossible for you to really try with your limerent object - so there is unresolved uncertainty that leads to the obsessive rumination and idealization.

Obviously that also undermines the marriage. But the problem with limerence is that there is some obstacle - marriage, professional barriers, fear or something else - that prevents any attempt to really get to know the person.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have.

It will pass. I really helps to acknowledge to yourself that these feelings are real and valid in as much as they FEEL real and are powerful. Don't shame yourself, don't feel that it's wrong. Theyr'e just feelings.

But you also acknowledge to yourself that this is hormonal and chemical and it will pass. It cannot be sustained, and your brain is acting essentially as if it's on drugs.

Give yourself a fixed amount of time in a day to focus on it, obsess, daydream--and that's it. No more, and you stick to it. Eventually it will pass.

I am very grateful I did not act on my feelings. It passed. If I'd acted I'd be horrified now--no way it would have ended well. I'm grateful now for the experience. It's sort of beautiful and quintessentially human to have that level of excitement in your life.

Just remember the fantasy is better than the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's spelled "limerence." And the phenomenon Dorothy Tennov and others are describing is not infatuation. It is intrusive, painful, disruptive, and can last for years. No one who has experienced it would wish it on their worst enemy.

The best way to get over a garden-variety infatuation is to just get with someone else.

Limerence can happen when there are obstacles preventing you from connecting with someone else and so the uncertainty and frustration of the situation is not resolved.

Ugh, I’ve had this for a certain guy for 6-7 years now. I’m married now, I haven’t even seen him in 4 years, and rationally I know things would never work out with him, but he still takes up way too much space in my mind.

My feelings get stronger when something else in my life is out of whack- if my marriage is rocky, my life has major changes, I’m feeling depressed, etc. So I know it’s not that I actually want *him*, it’s that I want an escape.

[Anonymous]

I limmered on a guy for three years, but I got over it when I started limmering on a different guy.

Probably not the answer you are looking for!