Husband as default parent?

[Anonymous]

Long story short:

DW was a trailing spouse for first part of marriage for much longer than anticipated. Now DH has his desired job (academic), and DW is trying to get her career back on track after 4 years of disjointed work and freelancing. DW is 34, and it is time to have a baby, but DW doesn't want to permanently tank the possibility of a decent paying career. Therefore, DW wants DH to take on at minimum 50% childcare responsibilities while she tries to get promoted and work her way up the corporate ladder to a middle manager level. DH claims to be on board, but DW is concerned that in practice things will fall apart, in large part because she reads all of the sob stories on this board.

What say you?

[Anonymous]

Really depends on your spouse. My DH would do this because he has a more flexible job and is just a really dependable partner. But the fact that you've backburnered your career for his for so long means you've established a different dynamic, where you sacrifice and he benefits. Is he aware of the dynamic, and the fairness issues? Does he care that it's not fair, and would that caring continue if it actually started to negatively impact his career? Does he want the kids as much as you do? You know him better than we do.

[Anonymous]

Start by making him responsible for most of the house tasks. If he can’t handle that, he can’t handle the kid.

My dh is very hands on with the kids and he’s also not afraid to get in there and wash dishes whenever they need it. I think they’re connected.

[Anonymous]

In my relationship DH is the main parent. I know their clothing sizes but have to ask him their shoe sizes. He coordinates the nanny's schedule and arranges activities. He just tells me what I have to show up for.

[Anonymous]

After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.

She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.

[Anonymous]

I say in less it is what HE wants you are setting yourself up for an issue. I think you should hire a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long story short:

DW was a trailing spouse for first part of marriage for much longer than anticipated. Now DH has his desired job (academic), and DW is trying to get her career back on track after 4 years of disjointed work and freelancing. DW is 34, and it is time to have a baby, but DW doesn't want to permanently tank the possibility of a decent paying career. Therefore, DW wants DH to take on at minimum 50% childcare responsibilities while she tries to get promoted and work her way up the corporate ladder to a middle manager level. DH claims to be on board, but DW is concerned that in practice things will fall apart, in large part because she reads all of the sob stories on this board.

What say you?

From the little you mention, you'll have your work cut out for both of you.

DW is already setting herself up for mental implosion. I'm assuming she'll go back to work after FMLA? To jump into the fray and sink herself back into her career while rearing a child is incredibly stressful and my guess is that regardless of how much DH picks up, DW will always feel like she's not getting ahead or he's not doing enough. I've seen it many times.

[Anonymous]

Well it can go either way, only one way to find out- have a baby. My suggestion is to be firm on 50/50 from day 1: feedings, wake ups, diapers, and don’t criticize his way of doing things cause this is how you are going to end up doing everything yourself.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those things that you'd love to be able to plan for and agree to, but the truth is the reality of having kids and two careers is sometimes you have to do what makes sense, not what you agreed to pre-conception. Are his hours reasonable with little travel? is there on-site childcare at his academic institution that you can get on the waiting list for now? Having him be the point person for drop off and pick up (assuming there is a good child care option that works with his commute) would be a great help to you while you try to build your career.

Furthermore, what's your other option? Not have any kids? If you want them, I think you take this chance and try to figure out the split in a way you can both live with.

[Anonymous]

Even though you don’t have kids yet, you’ve been managing a household together, you’ve moved together, how well has he done so far in your marriage doing his fair share at home?

[Anonymous]

Really hard to say - I did the trailing spouse thing and we had kids while I was trailing,. I didn't work/worked PT, so of course I was the primary during those years. I went FT for the last 4 yrs while trailing. We always had household help.

The split has never been anywhere near 50/50, and still isn't.

I think the trick is to insist on it with him, AND insist the system recognize there are two parents. I.e. - don't let the system make you the primary on everything. And if your husband is the type that has no idea the kids need a well-child visit/shots, I think sitting down with identical planners and writing down who's responsible for what when is a good solution. Don't allow the norm to be you "assign" him tasks. You want him to be absorbing the routine, etc.

Start with a conversation about paternity leave. That ought to be eye-opening.

and don’t criticize his way of doing things cause this is how you are going to end up doing everything yourself.

THIS - you'll have to accept that your way isn't the only way. Harder done than said!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that you'd love to be able to plan for and agree to, but the truth is the reality of having kids and two careers is sometimes you have to do what makes sense, not what you agreed to pre-conception. Are his hours reasonable with little travel? is there on-site childcare at his academic institution that you can get on the waiting list for now? Having him be the point person for drop off and pick up (assuming there is a good child care option that works with his commute) would be a great help to you while you try to build your career.

Furthermore, what's your other option? Not have any kids? If you want them, I think you take this chance and try to figure out the split in a way you can both live with.

Honestly, yes, I would forgo kids rather than risk become a frenzied and resentful mother, which I fear could happen if we don't have enough money to be comfortable and he doesn't help enough.

I have a lot of resentment already because he refused to have a baby while we were moving around when it would have been an ideal time to do so. Now he wants a baby badly just when I am starting to have the ability to get deeper into my career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things that you'd love to be able to plan for and agree to, but the truth is the reality of having kids and two careers is sometimes you have to do what makes sense, not what you agreed to pre-conception. Are his hours reasonable with little travel? is there on-site childcare at his academic institution that you can get on the waiting list for now? Having him be the point person for drop off and pick up (assuming there is a good child care option that works with his commute) would be a great help to you while you try to build your career.

Furthermore, what's your other option? Not have any kids? If you want them, I think you take this chance and try to figure out the split in a way you can both live with.

Honestly, yes, I would forgo kids rather than risk become a frenzied and resentful mother, which I fear could happen if we don't have enough money to be comfortable and he doesn't help enough.

I have a lot of resentment already because he refused to have a baby while we were moving around when it would have been an ideal time to do so. Now he wants a baby badly just when I am starting to have the ability to get deeper into my career.

OP. reading your post tells me that this is already going to have issues before it even begins. You are putting too much pressure on yourself and on your DH right off the bat. It can be incredibly stressful for you post partum - hormone fluctuation, no sleep and to add the stress of the career can be too much. give yourself time and accept the fact that it may take more time to get to that desired state of equilibrium that you so desperately want in order to get your career back on track. You can agree on this stuff ahead of time but for many things, it's so hard to predict once that baby comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start by making him responsible for most of the house tasks. If he can’t handle that, he can’t handle the kid.

She's not his mommy. He's not a naughty little boy. She can't "make him responsible" for anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After showing up at the wrong place at the wrong time on the wrong day multiple times she will take over all family planning chores and he will claim she is controlling.

She will do 75%, he will do 25% but in his mind it will be 50/50.

Yeah, it will be 75/25 after she deletes all credit for anything he does, and gives herself double credit for what she does (plus triple credit for all the made-up bullshit like "emotional labor").