Help me to knock it off

[Anonymous]

I'm recently divorced and just saw via social media that my ex is now with the woman he swore he never cheated on me with. I have spent so much time in therapy just getting comfortable with this divorce, coming to terms with the guilt about my role in it, gaining the confidence that my ex did things that were horrible and I didn't have to stay, even though he still says it's my fault because I was the one who left. All this time and energy and effort and I thought I really believed it, and then this just... blows all that apart. I know in my head that this does not matter, that this should only PROVE that I don't want to be married to him, but it just brings all those old feelings of insecurity back to the surface. Never mind the fact that I have dabbled in dating but just haven't really felt truly ready so I've backed off. And now I'm going thorugh it all again, the "what could I have done differently" that leads to nowhere.

I've already un-followed his sister on social media (that's where I happened to see it so obviously don't want that to happen again.) So just give me the tough love, DCUM. Tell me this doesn't change the fact that he was a shitty husband who did shitty things, and that even though he "blames me", that doesn't matter. I really wish that didn't matter to me.

[Anonymous]

Whatever it takes to get you through the first year, honestly. It's like a death--you get to grieve for a year. Don't be hard on yourself. If you don't like what you're doing, be gentle with yourself and go do something really healthy--drink some tea, go on a walk, call a friend to talk, organize your sock drawer, or enjoy some "alone time."

Don't fight your own negativity with guilt and more bad thoughts--treat yourself super kindly and be gentle with yourself.

[Anonymous]

Give it a year or two. Statistically, people never stay long with their affair partner in this situation - it's a fantasy relationship that implodes once the novelty is gone and reality of being together long term kicks in. Focus on taking care of yourself, and good on you for getting out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give it a year or two. Statistically, people never stay long with their affair partner in this situation - it's a fantasy relationship that implodes once the novelty is gone and reality of being together long term kicks in. Focus on taking care of yourself, and good on you for getting out.

I don't think it's so much about her specifically, as much as he will still say all the things that I did wrong that lead to our divorce, rather than own up to being with someone else. He would have saved us so much time and heartache and pain by just saying "hey I met someone else" rather than putting me through hell until I eventually left him.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I am sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Not to diminish or denigrate your particular feelings, but if I were you I think I'd be pleased if not thrilled by this discovery. You're vindicated! You weren't crazy or overly suspicious or imagining things when you suspected this - your gut was right all along. It was about him, not you. What happened was certainly unfortunate, but I think knowing that you were correct in your suspicions will be much more comforting as you go forward - you'll know you can trust your gut as you date in the future. Basically, I'd reframe this for yourself that you've had it confirmed that you couldn't trust him, but you can trust you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not to diminish or denigrate your particular feelings, but if I were you I think I'd be pleased if not thrilled by this discovery. You're vindicated! You weren't crazy or overly suspicious or imagining things when you suspected this - your gut was right all along. It was about him, not you. What happened was certainly unfortunate, but I think knowing that you were correct in your suspicions will be much more comforting as you go forward - you'll know you can trust your gut as you date in the future. Basically, I'd reframe this for yourself that you've had it confirmed that you couldn't trust him, but you can trust you.

This is good, and you're right. I need to just repeat this.

I think I'm disappointed in myself for feeling so angry. I'm angry at him for the whole damn thing, and I'm even angry at her. I thought I was past this, I WANT to be past this. These feelings suck.

[Anonymous]

I'm posting again because I am not feeling better. WTF is wrong with me. I don't want to harp on this to friends/family because they think I'm doing better and I WAS. What happened to me!? Why does this feel like I've gone back in time? I just keep sitting here, dwelling on the worst things, just like you do at the very beginning of a split. I already did this, I don't want to do this again.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, stay off social media for the next three months. I decided to do that for other reasons (infertility) and it is amazing how blissful not knowing everyone's business is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting again because I am not feeling better. WTF is wrong with me. I don't want to harp on this to friends/family because they think I'm doing better and I WAS. What happened to me!? Why does this feel like I've gone back in time? I just keep sitting here, dwelling on the worst things, just like you do at the very beginning of a split. I already did this, I don't want to do this again.

It's OK. You're in it. This is part of the grieving process--one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes, you'll surprise yourself by having an awesome day. Some days, you'll feel worse than you think you "should."

Before taking any action, or allowing yourself to sit with any line of thought, ask yourself, "Is this good for me?"

If not, breathe, and make a better choice/choose a more productive train of thought. And when you can't, you can't. Just do your best to slog through it. It's OK to not be OK.

[Anonymous]

I think what you are feeling is the rug pulled from under you. The set of circumstances you thought you were in, turned out to be different. And that's discombobulating. Accept the reality that we can never really see the full picture/know everything. At some point, you make decisions based on what you know and intuit. Sounds like you knew and intuited the state of your marriage correctly, but this is confirmation, which is hard to take.

Please hang in there and don't give in to your baser impulses, try your best to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting again because I am not feeling better. WTF is wrong with me. I don't want to harp on this to friends/family because they think I'm doing better and I WAS. What happened to me!? Why does this feel like I've gone back in time? I just keep sitting here, dwelling on the worst things, just like you do at the very beginning of a split. I already did this, I don't want to do this again.

I agree with the above poster. Grief isn’t linear. You will have good days and bad days. And when you think “wow, I got this, I’m GOOD” something comes along and knocks you backwards. It’s unfortunately part of the process. It’s almost like a rebirth. You have to go through the worst pain imaginable to be able to come out a stronger person on the other side. Unfortunately it seems like many, many of us women on this website have been through what you’re going through. You will ge through it. It just takes time. Honestly. I thought I’d be the exception. I’m a strong woman with a very large support system. It still two almost two full years to heal. Nothing you do will speed it up, you just have to go through it and I’m so sorry.

On a side note I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life. And thankful for the dissolution of my 19 year marriage as a result. If I was still married I’d never have realize how happy I could be. It took a lot to get here though. I hope you join me here soon!

[Anonymous]

I guess I am mad at myself too because I thought I was on the right path here. Not perfect but trying. And I thought I had accepted that I would never “understand” what went wrong and why we are here. But it’s like I’m back at step 1, with all these what ifs. Is that temporary? It took me a long time to find that peace the first time and now it’s like I lost it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm posting again because I am not feeling better. WTF is wrong with me. I don't want to harp on this to friends/family because they think I'm doing better and I WAS. What happened to me!? Why does this feel like I've gone back in time? I just keep sitting here, dwelling on the worst things, just like you do at the very beginning of a split. I already did this, I don't want to do this again.

It's cliche but time (and good partners that knock your socks off!) will heal these wounds. No, the pain won't go away but it will get better!! Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

This uncomfortable feeling won’t last too long, you’ve already done the work and this just a step back. You’ll feel better once you’ve accepted this new discovery.