How forgiving should I be of my friend dealing with infertility?

[Anonymous]

She has become so rude and nasty, not just to me but EVERYONE. It seems like anything and everything annoys her. This is my very good friend from childhood. She was my bridesmaid, helped throw my baby shower and was always one of my closest friends for decades. We celebrated our 40th birthdays earlier this year. Friend got married last year and all she talked about was how much they can’t wait to start a family. It isn’t happening for her. I have tried to be supportive. After months and now second year of not getting pregnant, she is just an awful human being to be around and talk to.

Do I just take the abuse from her? Can I say something?
Distance myself?

I basically listened to her insult me and everyone we know for 2 hours the last time I saw her. I didn’t mention my kids. The only one thing she said positive was how much she loves her husband and how they are remaining positive. I could tell she was fighting back tears. Then she started complaining about food and service. Couldn’t wait to get out of there. She has called and texted a few times.

[Anonymous]

Two hours isn't too much to give to a lifelong friend. Give her your shoulder. Have more wine.

[Anonymous]

I’m getting the sense you’re not a great friend when the chips are down, so it may be in her best interest for you to step away rather than let her rely on you just so you can trash her for it.

[Anonymous]

“Insult” you how? If it’s as bad as you say and you aren’t just being sensitive and self centered seems like she doesn’t want you as a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m getting the sense you’re not a great friend when the chips are down, so it may be in her best interest for you to step away rather than let her rely on you just so you can trash her for it.

Quite the opposite. I was there for her when her father passed, was depressed, boyfriend breakups, miscarriage and previous divorce.

I’m just busy with life and juggling 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two hours isn't too much to give to a lifelong friend. Give her your shoulder. Have more wine.

Agree. She was fighting back tears. She probably knows on some level that she's being irrational.

Just text her back, op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Insult” you how? If it’s as bad as you say and you aren’t just being sensitive and self centered seems like she doesn’t want you as a friend.

Maybe the friendship is just over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two hours isn't too much to give to a lifelong friend. Give her your shoulder. Have more wine.

Agree. She was fighting back tears. She probably knows on some level that she's being irrational.

Just text her back, op.

Her sister told me years ago that my friend verbally abused her throughout her life. I know she did that with her ex husband too. Maybe I’ve made that list except I won’t take it.

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. As someone who dealt with infertility the thought of NEVER having a child can really wear on you. Also if she is doing IVF or other treatment the hormones can literally make some people crazy.

That said, you don’t need to take abuse from someone. I would try to be there for her however you can but it’s also fine to put a little distance between you. Maybe texting is easier than going out to eat, or just make yourself available every other month for a couple hours.

FWIW, my mom is a really negative person and complains about everything. Going to any restaurant with her is painful because something, actually many things, are wrong in her opinion. I just suck it up and have an extra glass of wine.

[Anonymous]

Have you actually told her how you feel? Friendship depends on honesty and communication. Have you tried saying "I feel hurt to hear that" or "I hear a lot of pain in your voice--can we talk about that?" or something similar? Phrase it in a "I feel x" rather than "You did x."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually told her how you feel? Friendship depends on honesty and communication. Have you tried saying "I feel hurt to hear that" or "I hear a lot of pain in your voice--can we talk about that?" or something similar? Phrase it in a "I feel x" rather than "You did x."

OP could you do this in a handwritten letter? With a letter you can choose your words carefully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two hours isn't too much to give to a lifelong friend. Give her your shoulder. Have more wine.

Agree. She was fighting back tears. She probably knows on some level that she's being irrational.

Just text her back, op.

Her sister told me years ago that my friend verbally abused her throughout her life. I know she did that with her ex husband too. Maybe I’ve made that list except I won’t take it.

Uhh why are you still friends? You can let this person go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you actually told her how you feel? Friendship depends on honesty and communication. Have you tried saying "I feel hurt to hear that" or "I hear a lot of pain in your voice--can we talk about that?" or something similar? Phrase it in a "I feel x" rather than "You did x."

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two hours isn't too much to give to a lifelong friend. Give her your shoulder. Have more wine.

Agree. She was fighting back tears. She probably knows on some level that she's being irrational.

Just text her back, op.

Her sister told me years ago that my friend verbally abused her throughout her life. I know she did that with her ex husband too. Maybe I’ve made that list except I won’t take it.

Sounds like you’ve already made up your mind, I can’t imagine why you felt the need to ask us about it. I’m sure it couldn’t possibly be that the story is changing because you didn’t get the response you wanted initially. No one has ever done that in the history of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Poor thing. Infertility is beyond painful. Try to be kind as you think about how lucky you are to have three beautiful children.