Should I tell my kids the divorce is due to abuse?

[Anonymous]

After years of psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, I left my spouse in April. We have children together, 12 and 8.

Up until now, I have been telling them that STBX and I have decided we can’t live together/couldn’t get along, but I am wondering if I should be more forthcoming with the details. I don’t want to lie to them, and I feel like STBX is the one who poisoned the family, and the kids deserve to know the other parent isn’t as fantastic as they believe.

[Anonymous]

Don’t get them involved. That’s a heavy burden to place on kids when their life is already being uprooted. Doesn’t sound like he neglects THEM, so you need to separate how he is as a husband and father.

[Anonymous]

No, you idiot. I can't believe this is even a question. The breakdown of YOUR marriage is not their burden to bear.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Nope, don’t do it. What’s best for the kids is always the priority, and if they have a good relationship with him then that is much better for them than if you poisoned it with details of your marriage, even if they are true. It’s better for them to have a good relationship with their dad. If he’s abusive to them, or if they witnessed him being sbudive to you regularly, then that’s a different story.

When they’re older, the conversations may evolve and you can be more open.

[Anonymous]

You both sound like dumb parents

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Your marriage is not for your kids to decipher. Be a grown up and don't use your kids as your emotional support.

Signed,

A divorced mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, don’t do it. What’s best for the kids is always the priority, and if they have a good relationship with him then that is much better for them than if you poisoned it with details of your marriage, even if they are true. It’s better for them to have a good relationship with their dad. If he’s abusive to them, or if they witnessed him being abusive to you regularly, then that’s a different story.

When they’re older, the conversations may evolve and you can be more open.

This is my situation. Kids are 11 & 8. I've told them that how dad treated them is not okay. Repeatedly and specifically.That I wish I could've protected them from the things that happened. 11 has asked more questions about what ex did to me (lots of police involvement) and I've said dad did some things that are against the law and now just like everyone else who breaks the law he has some consequences. She asked for more details and I said maybe when she's older (25) if she still wants to know we can talk then.

I used the analogy of rocks in a backpack (the details) and sometimes the rocks are to heavy to carry for kids (too burdensome or even traumatizing).

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and make a bad situation worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t get them involved. That’s a heavy burden to place on kids when their life is already being uprooted. Doesn’t sound like he neglects THEM, so you need to separate how he is as a husband and father.

NP. I agree with this; however--OP, do you have any reason to believe that he would eventually abuse them psychologically or emotionally? Is your motivation one of not wanting to be seen as the bad guy in the divorce (would he tell them that?) or one of thinking they need protection? Still--don't tell them. Not now. Get yourself into therapy ASAP if you're not already in therapy. You need a place where you can talk about your marriage, the abuse etc. freely and openly and get impartial, professional feedback; here you'll get strangers' projections of their own experiences onto your situation. A therapist can help you sort through what if anything to say to your children. PP is right that they're currently already dealing with the huge changes that come from divorce. If you already see a therapist please delve into this with the therapist.

[Anonymous]

No.No...NO!!!!!

[Anonymous]

They probably already know.

[Anonymous]

What if the abuse included cheating? Consensus seems to be kids deserve to know about cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the abuse included cheating? Consensus seems to be kids deserve to know about cheating.

Not true. I don't think they need to know that unless they ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, I left my spouse in April. We have children together, 12 and 8.

Up until now, I have been telling them that STBX and I have decided we can’t live together/couldn’t get along, but I am wondering if I should be more forthcoming with the details. I don’t want to lie to them, and I feel like STBX is the one who poisoned the family, and the kids deserve to know the other parent isn’t as fantastic as they believe.

Not now. The only reason that you would share this information with them now would be to hurt your ex. That is not a good use of your energy.

Maybe later, this sort of information would be important to share. For example, my parents' marriage broke down for similar reasons. When they split up, they gave us similar answers about why ("We just can't live together anymore"). I was 12 when that happened. My mom didn't tell me how my dad was verbally abusive and controlling until I was about 17 and he was being verbally abusive and controlling to ME. At that point, my mom was like, "Look, I didn't tell you guys how it was to be married to your dad and why I wanted to leave because you were kids and that was not the time, but right now, what you are feeling and experiencing is something I am very familiar with. You are a good person and a good kid and he is being inappropriately controlling and mean to you. You are not going crazy."