Should I tell my kids the divorce is due to abuse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely not. Your marriage is not for your kids to decipher. Be a grown up and don't use your kids as your emotional support.

Signed,

A divorced mom

+1 It is way too much for young developing psyches to carry. You can share when they're older if you believe it would help them in some way. Otherwise, absolutely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After years of psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, I left my spouse in April. We have children together, 12 and 8.

Up until now, I have been telling them that STBX and I have decided we can’t live together/couldn’t get along, but I am wondering if I should be more forthcoming with the details. I don’t want to lie to them, and I feel like STBX is the one who poisoned the family, and the kids deserve to know the other parent isn’t as fantastic as they believe.

Not now. The only reason that you would share this information with them now would be to hurt your ex. That is not a good use of your energy.

Maybe later, this sort of information would be important to share. For example, my parents' marriage broke down for similar reasons. When they split up, they gave us similar answers about why ("We just can't live together anymore"). I was 12 when that happened. My mom didn't tell me how my dad was verbally abusive and controlling until I was about 17 and he was being verbally abusive and controlling to ME. At that point, my mom was like, "Look, I didn't tell you guys how it was to be married to your dad and why I wanted to leave because you were kids and that was not the time, but right now, what you are feeling and experiencing is something I am very familiar with. You are a good person and a good kid and he is being inappropriately controlling and mean to you. You are not going crazy."

Sounds like a good parent--protected you when appropriate, but also disclosed when appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not. Your job as a parent right now is to help them feel safe and secure despite the upheaval. Telling them about the abuse will do exactly the opposite. Don’t hurt your children just to get back at your ex.

[Anonymous]

My H has PTSD so yes, my kids were told.

[Anonymous]

They are not your friends, they are your children. Agree your job is to protect them, not share info with them that would only hurt and frighten them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, I left my spouse in April. We have children together, 12 and 8.

Up until now, I have been telling them that STBX and I have decided we can’t live together/couldn’t get along, but I am wondering if I should be more forthcoming with the details. I don’t want to lie to them, and I feel like STBX is the one who poisoned the family, and the kids deserve to know the other parent isn’t as fantastic as they believe.

Yes, by all means, be selfish, try to win the divorce and feel better about yourself while putting your children in the middle of your issues. Please, by all means let them know all the personality flaws in their genes so they can feel worse.

Leave the kids out of your BS and just love them. Raise them with all the love you wish your marriage had. Do that and the rest will take care of itself.

[Anonymous]

No, they will figure it out over time. Kids are smarter than you think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H has PTSD so yes, my kids were told.

Told what? That he has PTSD or that mommy is a saint and daddy is an ass, but it's because of his PTSD so you feel justified in involving your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you idiot. I can't believe this is even a question. The breakdown of YOUR marriage is not their burden to bear.

This. Your original post is terrible, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the abuse included cheating? Consensus seems to be kids deserve to know about cheating.

Not true. I don't think they need to know that unless they ask.

They never need to know. Who you have intimate relationships with is none of their business.

[Anonymous]

At 12 and 8 OP they already know. You can't lie, but they don't need all the details.

Probably something along the lines: Dad needs to get help for some anger issues. And since he won't you can't live together. I would think that's enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are not your friends, they are your children. Agree your job is to protect them, not share info with them that would only hurt and frighten them.

+1 I know kids who've suffered from being collateral damage in divorce because one or both parents treat them as confidantes and expose them to hard issues they are not equipped to handle. It's so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if the abuse included cheating? Consensus seems to be kids deserve to know about cheating.

Kids will continue to ask over time if their questions have been ignored. If there was cheating I would tell the kids mom/dad wanted to date others, and not be married. At least that way they aren't blindsided when they see the new flame at the parents home. That's all that needs to be said without any bad mouthing ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if the abuse included cheating? Consensus seems to be kids deserve to know about cheating.

Kids will continue to ask over time if their questions have been ignored. If there was cheating I would tell the kids mom/dad wanted to date others, and not be married. At least that way they aren't blindsided when they see the new flame at the parents home. That's all that needs to be said without any bad mouthing ever.

It depends on the kids and parents. My husband's ex cheated, left him for the AP and it was pretty obvious but instead of being truthful made Dad out to be abusive and all kinds of stuff (which he never was) to make her look good and him look bad. The kids had to have known without being told given their ages. But, its very easy to manipulate the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After years of psychological and emotional abuse and neglect, I left my spouse in April. We have children together, 12 and 8.

Up until now, I have been telling them that STBX and I have decided we can’t live together/couldn’t get along, but I am wondering if I should be more forthcoming with the details. I don’t want to lie to them, and I feel like STBX is the one who poisoned the family, and the kids deserve to know the other parent isn’t as fantastic as they believe.[/quote]

This is the definition of parental alienation. Do it and watch your parenting time disappear.

There are ways to be clear about your values in a relationship that do not include didactic instruction about what is wrong with their father. Live those ways.