I’m a Jellyfish Parent (?!)

[Anonymous]

I’m a permissive parent. Apparently Jellyfish is the term, it’s like the anti-Tiger mom.

I don’t do it intentionally- it’s just how parenting is manifesting. DH is frustrated with my parenting style. He is tired of being the bad cop. I’m not sure how to change.

I had many years of fertility treatments, multiple miscarriages and a complicated pregnancy which caused some health issues for DD and me. I also had strict parents that went overboard with pressure/expectations (see only child thread) which resulted in a nervous breakdown in my late teens. After years of therapy to chill out, I just can’t get myself to sweat the small stuff anymore -cookie before dinner, ok. Another book at bedtime, eh. I’m not letting kid set off fireworks or do anything crazy.

Kid is delightful - parents and teachers always comment how good she is. So, do I need to change? And how?

[Anonymous]

It is not fair that your husband is the bad guy. Also, as someone who had a lot of issues from childhood that came crashing back after I had a child, (like hunger, abandonment, super strict parents when they were around), I highly recommend therapy to not project your issues on your child.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, sounds like a recipe for disaster when your kid is a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just can’t get myself to sweat the small stuff anymore -cookie before dinner, ok. Another book at bedtime, eh.

OP can you provide more examples than these two?

[Anonymous]

Children don’t feel safe in a boundary-free environment. The rules (like no cookie before dinner) help them feel protected and safe.

I echo the suggestion for a return to therapy to separate your old issues from your parenting.

[Anonymous]

If you need to change, so do I! I'm the same way. I've always put my foot down with certain things, like manners, behavior, respect, etc. but yeah, an extra cookie, an extra book, sure. My DH and I butt heads over it too. But heck, I spoil him as well and I remind him of it.

I don't know how old your DD is, but my kids are in HS and MS now, and they're good kids. Good students, well-behaved and respectful to teachers, coaches, others. I do not pat myself on the back, because I think most of it is just their personalities rather than my parenting. But because of that I didn't have to be tougher on them. They know where their mom draws the line and that I cut them slack because they've earned it. Maybe this isn't the "right" parenting philosophy but it's worked so far!

[Anonymous]

I think the things you cited are fine so long as they are not undermining your husband. If he told the kid no cookies before dinner then obviously don't agree to a cookie. If he's expressed to you that he wants to set up some better eating habits, then again, don't agree to a cookie before dinner.

[Anonymous]

Your kid can't be a perfect angel if DH is having to be a bad cop.

I really recommend PEP classes or Dr. Shapiro etc. They are really helpful in teaching you how to parent well.

[Anonymous]

I get your parenting style but I don’t get the term jellyfish parent?

Why jellyfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children don’t feel safe in a boundary-free environment. The rules (like no cookie before dinner) help them feel protected and safe.

I echo the suggestion for a return to therapy to separate your old issues from your parenting.

OMG I'm laughing at this. Yes, no cookie definitely would make my kid feel safe!

(I get what you are trying to say but that was a really bad example.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the things you cited are fine so long as they are not undermining your husband. If he told the kid no cookies before dinner then obviously don't agree to a cookie. If he's expressed to you that he wants to set up some better eating habits, then again, don't agree to a cookie before dinner.

This is a good point. I'm the poster who said I'm a parent like OP, and this is something to be aware of. In general my DH will see me being more permissive and tell me I need to be tougher. But if he's directly said "no more dessert", then that's that.

[Anonymous]

That term comes from a great book called “kids are worth it!” She talks about Brick Wall parents, Jellyfish parents, and parents with a spine (rigid, but flexible). It’s a good read.
Here is a video of the author speaking:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgsMmiRuxE

[Anonymous]

I know a few women who had fertility treatments who simply cannot (or will not) discipline their children.

One mother openly rationalized it to me once as how she wished and waited so long for a child -- and paid out a lot of money to make it happen. So she put the child on a high pedestal and treated him like a god. As you'd guess, the child become a huge bully and openly flouted mom's rules right in front of her.

Now those kids are teenagers and these mothers are losing control rapidly of their children who never took them seriously, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That term comes from a great book called “kids are worth it!” She talks about Brick Wall parents, Jellyfish parents, and parents with a spine (rigid, but flexible). It’s a good read.
Here is a video of the author speaking:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ybgsMmiRuxE

Here is another one. It’s an hour long, but even if you can just watch a few minutes, it’s totally worth watching!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FdhwwM5i_Lo

[Anonymous]

What is it that your DH tries to enforce that you don't? Seems like you need to get on the same page about major goals. For example, if it's that you let her stay up too late or skip teeth brushing, yeah, that's an issue. If it's just that you give in when she asks for something small (cookie, story) then he needs to accept that you don't have to have the same parenting style. If he thinks you giving is is creating or not solving a big underlying problem (tantrums, rigidity, etc) that is another issue.