I’m a Jellyfish Parent (?!)

[Anonymous]

I think you have to choose your battles. You don't have to be a stickler for everything. Maybe cookies before dinner aren't a big deal. But once you and your husband agree on the rules, you should enforce them. A big part of being a good parent is being consistent with rules and expectations.

[Anonymous]

You need to have regular discussions with your husband about parenting. The most important thing is that you two are on the same page. Almost any parenting style can work with consistency and adjustment. You need to talk about the small stuff and determine what is the goal. If your daughter has healthy eating practices including eating regular and solid meals, and gets lots of exercise so that weight isn't an issue, then there isn't a problem having a cookie before dinner. If however, your child is like mine and will gladly eat a cookie before dinner and then lose his appetite at dinner, eat about half a meal and then will complain an hour after dinner about being hungry, then you need to save a treat before dinner for special occasions. If your husband has some real concerns for why a cookie before dinner is bad, listen and jointly come up with a solution to the problem and then both follow-through with the solution that you've jointly decided on.

The issue here is that you two are at cross-purposes. You need to discuss what the issue behind rules is and come up with a uniform rule that addresses each of your concerns.

[Anonymous]

Read about the four types of parenting. People think they either need to be Authoritarian or Permissive, but neither are beneficial for children. The best is Authoritative, where there are rules but also lots of love and warmth.

Also, talk with your DH and decide which rules are important for you both. I know some parents who make rules just for the sake of making rules, and it seems very frustrating for their kids. I'm strict on the "no cookie before dinner", but another book at bedtime? Not a big deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH feels strongly about a rule then I don't bend it without his ok. We both have things we're strict on - for me, homework must be done before screens. For DH, it's clutter in common areas. So while I don't care that my kid leaves his backpack on the dining room table overnight DH does, and so I enforce. One parent should not have to be the bad guy. If I think a rule of his is bad, or too much, or I don't want to enforce, we talk about it away from the kids and come to a decision that we uniformly present to the kids.

For other rules that aren't our personal pet peeves we bend occasionally. Staying up a little late if we're having fun, a cookie for no reason - these are fun things that are fine, as long as it doesn't have a "don't tell Dad" vibe. That's not fair to DH or your kids.

THIS, THIS, ALL OF THIS, x1,000!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if I am understanding correctly Jellyfish parenting is what psychologists would define as both permissive and uninvolved.

Permissive and uninvolved is neglectful parenting. Permissive and warm is jellyfish parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the things you cited are fine so long as they are not undermining your husband. If he told the kid no cookies before dinner then obviously don't agree to a cookie. If he's expressed to you that he wants to set up some better eating habits, then again, don't agree to a cookie before dinner.

Seriously this. My kid is learning at a young age that her parents are a United front and she can't triangulate us

[Anonymous]

I think you're being incredibly unfair to your husband. One parent should NEVER be put in the position where they are the "bad cop".

You need to have a discussion with your DH and get on the same page with rules. When your kid eats a cookie before dinner, does she eat all of her usual amount of nutritional dinner without delays or complaints? If not, then your husband is right, no cookie. And you need to accept that by allowing the cookie, you are being both a bad mother and a bad wife. In the case of the extra story, if it's really not a big deal to get an extra story (because you have time etc) then don't say she can just have one or two, increase the number until it's your limit and then communicate the actual limit. After the limit, that's it.

At this stage, you're on track to have a spoiled rotten kid AND a broken marriage. Neither of which I'm guessing you're going for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Here's the truth.

You're just lazy. You just need to admit it to yourself before the consequences of your laziness start showing up in your child. And don't blame everybody else when they do.

Mean.

The OP said she doesn't sweat "the small stuff" and gave examples of actual small stuff. No indication that she's a pushover where more important stuff is concerned.
Unclear what the "bad cop" role her DH refers to. It might just be that he doesn't believe a parent should indulge the "small stuff".

Besides that, the OP **asked** if she needs to change and how to change. Is name calling really how you respond to someone who asks that question?

[Anonymous]

I'd need other examples. An extra book seems like a non issue, but a cookie before dinner on vacation? yay, fun! On a random tuesday, no way. You're setting yourself up for 18 years of issues

[Anonymous]

This sounds more like an issue with your marriage than parenting. You HAVE to be on the same page as your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if I am understanding correctly Jellyfish parenting is what psychologists would define as both permissive and uninvolved.

Permissive and uninvolved is neglectful parenting. Permissive and warm is jellyfish parenting.

So a jellyfish parent raises free range kids ?

[Anonymous]

I wish I could be more like you, OP. I need to learn to pick my battles. I'm controlling. I'm probably middle-of-the-road parenting, but I wish I were more laid back.

[Anonymous]

An extra cookie or another story....not a big deal in my book.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, unless it was a safety issue, DH and I were pretty laid back about parenting. Our children are very successful and we have a great adult relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd need other examples. An extra book seems like a non issue, but a cookie before dinner on vacation? yay, fun! On a random tuesday, no way. You're setting yourself up for 18 years of issues

Who cares if there is an extra cookie daily? I never believed in strict, controlling parenting. But you have to know and trust your kids.