I’m a Jellyfish Parent (?!)
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Anonymous
Because jellyfish have no spine. |
Anonymous
I have a good friend who is like that with her 3 year old. She hasn't told me it's because she miscarried with her first child (and had a high-risk pregnancy due to a chronic health condition), but I suspect it's part of the reason she sets few if any boundaries. Her child is something of a holy terror, running around like a crazy person when we go out with them, refusing to do anything unless they give her a screen to watch (which they do), etc. She says her child's preschool teachers report she is well-behaved in class, so I don't suspect underlying behavior issues; they've simply set no limits. In fact, when we were over at their house when their DD was around 2.5 and ours was around 1, her DH looked at us and said, "Put your foot down now with your kid, because if you don't, you'll end up like us." He looks exhausted and miserable all the time. |
Anonymous
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The problem with your approach OP (and usually I think it's the other way around and dad is the jellyfish and mom instills some order) is that you are Fun Mom and your DH is now Mean Dad. Which works out great for you and not so much for him.
To use your examples: You don't give kids cookies before dinner on a regular basis because if you do that, they won't eat dinner or healthy food. It's a bad regular habit. Is it fine once in a while? Sure. Fun Friday. Dessert for dinner. Eat dinner in front of the TV. Whee. We're all having fun. You stick to a bedtime routine and a bedtime because ultimately it makes your kids bedtimes very pleasant and easy for everyone (including babysitters and extended family who help) because everyone knows the drill and your children are well rested, which is super important for their ability to focus and learn and behave. Is it fine once in a while to blow off bedtime and stay up late or read 3 extra books past bedtime because you just came back from a work trip and miss your kid and it's a special treat? Sure. But the thing is if your DH is always the one being the grown-up and setting up the good habits and the routines, which DO matter, and you get to be the fun jellyfish...well, then that sucks for him doesn't it? |
Anonymous
| OP keep in mind that being overly-permissive is not doing for your kid - it's doing for you. You want to feel good and guilt-free and remember the pain of infertility. Letting your kid get away with murder (however you and your DH define that) speaks to your needs not the kid's. At the end of the day, it's selfish - I don't mean to scold you, just pointing that out. If you REALLY want to be "good" and protective to your kid, enforce reasonable boundaries so she's equipped to successfully navigate the world. Best of luck to you, I hope it all works out. |
Anonymous
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OP, I can also give you a glimpse from the future of the jellyfish-offspring that might help.
I live next door to a kid with jellyfish parents. They are 8. This child comes to my house and she is the worst. Pushes and pushes and won't take no for an answer and wants what she wants. She's spoiled as hell. Clearly no one in this child's life has told her no and meant it and so the approach of asking until she gets what she wants works for her and she gets what she wants. I have seen her do it first hand with her parents. Once I figured this out, I stopped having the kid over. Frankly, she sucks because her parents suck. Nice people. Mean well. But they don't get it. Don't let your child be this kid. |
Anonymous
Parents aren't 8. The kids are 8!! |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to really self reflect - are you flexible where it doesn't really matter (a cookie before dinner) or are you flexible on things that do matter (manners, safety, etc.) OR unintentionally undermining your DH OR flexible on so many things that your kid isn't getting the boundaries she needs? Don't forget, 3 year olds are programmed to test boundaries and freak out when you say "no". They NEED to hear no to learn how the world works.
And I get it, I dealt with infertility and crappy parenting too. But I see it as giving me a greater sense of responsibility to parent intentionally. I gave a LOT (time, finances, emotions, physical health) to have my kid, shouldn't I do everything in my power to be the best parent I can? And since I know what harm bad parenting can do, shouldn't I do my best to do better for my own kid? It's easier to be a permissive parent, but heck, we've worked our butts off to have our kids, we can work our butts off to do the hard parenting as well. If you're not sure how to draw boundaries or feel unable to because of your background, then I would read a ton of child development and parenting books, and talk to your therapist about what it means to implement them. |
Anonymous
| I don’t think the children of permissive parents grow up to be very happy. |
Anonymous
+2 OP- theres a fine line between choosing your battles (which it sounds like you're doing; we all do) and being too much of a pushover. How old is your kid? |
Anonymous
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If my DH feels strongly about a rule then I don't bend it without his ok. We both have things we're strict on - for me, homework must be done before screens. For DH, it's clutter in common areas. So while I don't care that my kid leaves his backpack on the dining room table overnight DH does, and so I enforce. One parent should not have to be the bad guy. If I think a rule of his is bad, or too much, or I don't want to enforce, we talk about it away from the kids and come to a decision that we uniformly present to the kids.
For other rules that aren't our personal pet peeves we bend occasionally. Staying up a little late if we're having fun, a cookie for no reason - these are fun things that are fine, as long as it doesn't have a "don't tell Dad" vibe. That's not fair to DH or your kids. |
Anonymous
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We have a near free range kid but we have strict rules in the house. Does that makes sense?
Our kid is allowed to do many things other kids can't however, there are rules. Respect, courtesy, responsible and open disclosure is what we teach. But, when kids come over, they get to do things that are not allowed at home but they end up breaking things and not telling you about it. When our kid head out to other people's house, we tell him, you better say sorry and ask if you can fix the problem, don't ignore and pretend you didn't break it. If the kid doesn't understand it, you can tell the parent. |
Anonymous
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Here's the truth. You're just lazy. You just need to admit it to yourself before the consequences of your laziness start showing up in your child. And don't blame everybody else when they do. |
Anonymous
DP Probably a better example is if the kid has no set bed time and can stay up as long as they want. Or allowed to go to parties and bring boyfriend/girlfriend over. "I'm the cool mom!" Or drinnk alcohol at 14 with mom and dad |
Anonymous
| So if I am understanding correctly Jellyfish parenting is what psychologists would define as both permissive and uninvolved. |
Anonymous
| Pick your battles. You are doing OK. |