Mild ADHD, exasperated parent

[Anonymous]

DS is a 1st grader and has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. His doc does not recommend meds. But we are worn out. Sure it is mild but it is persistent. Everything runs slowly unless I end up doing it for him - feeding, dressing, organizing all his things while he needs multiple reminders to do anything. He sucks up all available time. So what should we do next?

[Anonymous]

What kind of doctor has been treating him so far? Most general peds aren’t really competent to treat ADHD.

[Anonymous]

What would you do if he had a physical difference that meant things took him more time, or he needed supports in order to things? You'd give him more time, and you'd give him those supports.

Do the same thing for your child.

Timers help some kids, they make vibrating watches. For us, since I'm a clock watcher, I just let my kid know time is passing. She has no idea time is passing, and could spend 20 minutes in the bathroom doing who knows what. If I let her know 5 minutes has passed, that jars her out of her head and gets her moving again.

Visual schedules help. Keeping the same routine every day helps. Reminding yourself your kid isn't deliberately messing with you helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a 1st grader and has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. His doc does not recommend meds. But we are worn out. Sure it is mild but it is persistent. Everything runs slowly unless I end up doing it for him - feeding, dressing, organizing all his things while he needs multiple reminders to do anything. He sucks up all available time. So what should we do next?

Read the Kazdin method. Right now your kid is training you. You neeed to learn how to turn this around.

Kki’s Outpatient Behavioral clinic in Columbia, md is excellent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if he had a physical difference that meant things took him more time, or he needed supports in order to things? You'd give him more time, and you'd give him those supports.

Do the same thing for your child.

Timers help some kids, they make vibrating watches. For us, since I'm a clock watcher, I just let my kid know time is passing. She has no idea time is passing, and could spend 20 minutes in the bathroom doing who knows what. If I let her know 5 minutes has passed, that jars her out of her head and gets her moving again.

Visual schedules help. Keeping the same routine every day helps. Reminding yourself your kid isn't deliberately messing with you helps.

This may be a shocker, but parents of kids with physical disabilities get exasperated too, and this really isn't helpful. And kids with physical disabilities are not saints.

I really resent when ADHD parents bring up physical disabilities as if children would be perfectly accommodated IF ONLY they had a physical disability. You have no idea how hard we fight the school districts too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a 1st grader and has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. His doc does not recommend meds. But we are worn out. Sure it is mild but it is persistent. Everything runs slowly unless I end up doing it for him - feeding, dressing, organizing all his things while he needs multiple reminders to do anything. He sucks up all available time. So what should we do next?

Stop doing for him, reduce your must did, and plan for transitions between tasks. You will need more time to get out the door.

[Anonymous]

There are some great articles out there in ADDitude. Also podcasts - look for Ned Hallowell, Seth Perler as guests.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. Thanks for the commiseration. The challenge with having a mild form of an invisible disability is that it fools you into thinking that things could be so much better. So close and yet so far. A friend with 4 kids thinks we are exaggerating at how much effort it takes to parent my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is a 1st grader and has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. His doc does not recommend meds. But we are worn out. Sure it is mild but it is persistent. Everything runs slowly unless I end up doing it for him - feeding, dressing, organizing all his things while he needs multiple reminders to do anything. He sucks up all available time. So what should we do next?

I think this is what you have to for now. This is the disease. As he gets older you'll stop doing everything for him and transition to setting up systems for him. As he gets older than that, you'll help him set up systems. Yes, it's frustrating, but try to make your peace with it. It's hard because what you are asking of him is so dang easy, why can't he just do it? I know, I know. You have train yourself to have more patience.

[Anonymous]

Maybe ask a different doctor about meds. If it’s interrupting your life so much, I wouldn’t necessarily say it is “mild”. And medication is a proven treatment for ADHD, it’s not a last resort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS is a 1st grader and has been diagnosed with mild ADHD. His doc does not recommend meds. But we are worn out. Sure it is mild but it is persistent. Everything runs slowly unless I end up doing it for him - feeding, dressing, organizing all his things while he needs multiple reminders to do anything. He sucks up all available time. So what should we do next?

I think this is what you have to for now. This is the disease. As he gets older you'll stop doing everything for him and transition to setting up systems for him. As he gets older than that, you'll help him set up systems. Yes, it's frustrating, but try to make your peace with it. It's hard because what you are asking of him is so dang easy, why can't he just do it? I know, I know. You have train yourself to have more patience.

+1. You have to adjust your expectations and parent the kid you have, not your friends' kids. It also helps to find the things your kid loves / excels at and nurture them. The focus can't all be on what he doesn't do well or you will end up with an anxious kid with low self esteem in short order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if he had a physical difference that meant things took him more time, or he needed supports in order to things? You'd give him more time, and you'd give him those supports.

Do the same thing for your child.

Timers help some kids, they make vibrating watches. For us, since I'm a clock watcher, I just let my kid know time is passing. She has no idea time is passing, and could spend 20 minutes in the bathroom doing who knows what. If I let her know 5 minutes has passed, that jars her out of her head and gets her moving again.

Visual schedules help. Keeping the same routine every day helps. Reminding yourself your kid isn't deliberately messing with you helps.

This may be a shocker, but parents of kids with physical disabilities get exasperated too, and this really isn't helpful. And kids with physical disabilities are not saints.

I really resent when ADHD parents bring up physical disabilities as if children would be perfectly accommodated IF ONLY they had a physical disability. You have no idea how hard we fight the school districts too.

DP, but I think you may have taken the pp's point other than as it was intended. She wasn't saying that a kid with physical disabilities would be perfectly accommodated, that they are saints, or that helping is not exasperating for their caregivers. All she is saying is to remember that her kid's need for accommodations real, too, even though the need is invisible. I'm sure parenting a child who cannot walk is tiring in a hundred ways, but I'm assuming you would never say to yourself or the child, "Just walk! Stop expecting everybody to walk for you!" Yet, as a parent with a kid with ADHD I have to remind myself that expecting him to get up and ready for school like his brother is as nonsensical as asking the child who cannot walk to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Thanks for the commiseration. The challenge with having a mild form of an invisible disability is that it fools you into thinking that things could be so much better. So close and yet so far. A friend with 4 kids thinks we are exaggerating at how much effort it takes to parent my child.

Op, I know how parenting one kid can feel like 5! I’m with you! (Parent of adhd combined, not so mild but lovely child!!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you do if he had a physical difference that meant things took him more time, or he needed supports in order to things? You'd give him more time, and you'd give him those supports.

Do the same thing for your child.

Timers help some kids, they make vibrating watches. For us, since I'm a clock watcher, I just let my kid know time is passing. She has no idea time is passing, and could spend 20 minutes in the bathroom doing who knows what. If I let her know 5 minutes has passed, that jars her out of her head and gets her moving again.

Visual schedules help. Keeping the same routine every day helps. Reminding yourself your kid isn't deliberately messing with you helps.

This may be a shocker, but parents of kids with physical disabilities get exasperated too, and this really isn't helpful. And kids with physical disabilities are not saints.

I really resent when ADHD parents bring up physical disabilities as if children would be perfectly accommodated IF ONLY they had a physical disability. You have no idea how hard we fight the school districts too.

DP, but I think you may have taken the pp's point other than as it was intended. She wasn't saying that a kid with physical disabilities would be perfectly accommodated, that they are saints, or that helping is not exasperating for their caregivers. All she is saying is to remember that her kid's need for accommodations real, too, even though the need is invisible. I'm sure parenting a child who cannot walk is tiring in a hundred ways, but I'm assuming you would never say to yourself or the child, "Just walk! Stop expecting everybody to walk for you!" Yet, as a parent with a kid with ADHD I have to remind myself that expecting him to get up and ready for school like his brother is as nonsensical as asking the child who cannot walk to do so.

Thank you, yes, that's exactly what I meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe ask a different doctor about meds. If it’s interrupting your life so much, I wouldn’t necessarily say it is “mild”. And medication is a proven treatment for ADHD, it’s not a last resort.

Op need to implement some systematic changes. Meds won’t change parental disorganization.