Separating, who should know

[Anonymous]

My husband and I agreed to separate on the heels of me losing my job. He's been emotionally absent for a long time and a few things led up to my aha that things weren't changing, namely his admitting he's not invested. I don't have any job prospects right now but am working hard to apply to jobs. The emotional weight of living together and portraying ourselves as a couple to everyone is killing me. Due to financial constraints (daycare primarily plus cost of living around here), we won't be separating households until I secure a new job...and I have no idea how long that could take.

My close friends (most of whom don't live locally) know, but I haven't shared this with anyone besides one close friend in the area. Also with the holidays coming up, I know my husband's mother (not local) will be eager to set up the usual gift exchange and such but I am feeling like I'd like to bow out if we aren't going to remain together. I doubt he will tell his parents about our pending separation without considerable prodding on my part. Also, she's been sending us the proofs of family photos we all took together and asking what we will select. We discussed the separation the day before we took the photos...which she had scheduled.

Do I just let this go for now and play along? There's no compelling reason to share this news beyond feeling tired of the facade, but given that we'll be living together for a while, I don't know if I just keep quiet.

When I say separation, I do mean permanently. He's made his intentions clear.

[Anonymous]

For your children’s sake, tell their grandparents and their teachers as well as nanny if you have one.

For your sake, tell anyone who will make you feel more comfortable knowing the truth about your life. Don’t pretend.

[Anonymous]

It's been 2 years and I have told nobody except my best friend.

I use my 90 year old mom as an excuse to miss holidays.

I'm not sure what telling people would buy me.

[Anonymous]

Go ahead and tell whoever you want to tell. Seriously don't bother with the emotional effort of trying to maintain a lie. Obviously tell kids first and go out from there in importance

[Anonymous]

I'm a private person but I would definitely tell my in-laws! I'd probably tell my STBX that I was going to tell his mom "next saturday, unless you'd rather do it yourself" and hope that he does it for me and be prepared to do it myself if need be.

I'd tell school because I assume the kid know and might be affected. If the kids are not in counseling I'd tell them that they can talk to the school counselor if they need someone to talk to. I probably would not tell acquaintances or work unless something came up requiring the information to be disseminated.

Sorry, OP. Good luck. Hope this is the beginning of a better chapter in your life.

[Anonymous]

As far as his family, you do not need to tiptoe around his mom if he refuses to say anything. "Donna, Jim and I are dealing with some things. For the time being we need to table anything regarding holidays."
Then have stbxh talk to his mom to explain further.

[Anonymous]

Thanks everyone. We haven't told the kids yet. Too confusing it would seem as long as we are still living at home together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. We haven't told the kids yet. Too confusing it would seem as long as we are still living at home together.

This is the right decision.

But as soon as you line up a new job, plan to move out. Don’t let this linger.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to tell the kids, then her. I would not wait. Remember you are separating from him, not them and they are still your kids grandparents so you can still have a relationship with them even if you are divorcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to tell the kids, then her. I would not wait. Remember you are separating from him, not them and they are still your kids grandparents so you can still have a relationship with them even if you are divorcing.

Yes, well I meant more so to step back from her tradition of gift exchanges because they involve a handful of family members on her side that I don't really know well or have connection to (ie my husband's grandparents, my SIL's husband, my husband's cousin, all of whom I've met twice in about seven years). Just feels strange to keep a part of that tradition of buying for each other when I won't be forging any more relationships with them, even if I don't have bad feelings toward them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to tell the kids, then her. I would not wait. Remember you are separating from him, not them and they are still your kids grandparents so you can still have a relationship with them even if you are divorcing.

Yes, well I meant more so to step back from her tradition of gift exchanges because they involve a handful of family members on her side that I don't really know well or have connection to (ie my husband's grandparents, my SIL's husband, my husband's cousin, all of whom I've met twice in about seven years). Just feels strange to keep a part of that tradition of buying for each other when I won't be forging any more relationships with them, even if I don't have bad feelings toward them.

These are still your kids relatives so participate for their sake and to set a good example for them. They and the grandparents have nothing to do with it and its important to them.

[Anonymous]

Tell. This isn't something to be ashamed about, and you'll be surprised how few questions people ask. Kids teachers and daycare workers need to know because there will be issues, however minor. You also don't want to put your kids in the position of needing to keeps secret.

Tell family members. They are going to find out eventually, as once you separate the odds of reconciliation plummet too nil. You'll need them, and you'll bebsurprised who shows up.

[Anonymous]

I’m concerned that you agreed to separate when you lost your job. A friend did this a few years ago and ultimately, she was screwed over in the financial settlement. She also had to move to find a new job and the judge (rightfully) sided with the kids staying here. Now she sees them once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m concerned that you agreed to separate when you lost your job. A friend did this a few years ago and ultimately, she was screwed over in the financial settlement. She also had to move to find a new job and the judge (rightfully) sided with the kids staying here. Now she sees them once a month.

How was she screwed over

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m concerned that you agreed to separate when you lost your job. A friend did this a few years ago and ultimately, she was screwed over in the financial settlement. She also had to move to find a new job and the judge (rightfully) sided with the kids staying here. Now she sees them once a month.

How was she screwed over

1) she didn’t have money to keep fighting for 1/2
2) her H knew she couldn’t afford the house OR the kids’ tuition. She gave up her claim on the house (half of ten years’ equity) and he pays the tuition.

There was no abuse or cheating. They just drifted apart and she saw the job loss as a chance to reinvent herself. She wanted an artsy job and lifestyle. He stayed stable for the kids. It’s starting to settle in now.