How did you save your marriage?
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
mybestlife
Member Offline
Member Offline
| If your marriage was on the brink of divorce, what did you do to save it that worked? |
Anonymous
| following. |
Anonymous
| You both want to save it? |
Anonymous
This is totally key. |
Anonymous
| Op here. We both want to save it. |
Anonymous
Depends, what are the issues that need solutions? -Intimacy -Appreciation/Thoughtfulness -Self Fulfillment (one spouse does more child rearing) -Dating your Spouse -Infidelity I need some more details to give you some solutions OP. |
Anonymous
| Well both people being willing is a great start. |
Anonymous
Good start so give us more details. What’s the problem? Affair? Age? Kids? |
Anonymous
Agreed, and retrovaille. |
Anonymous
|
Perhaps not relevant to you but a) continued therapy (for myself); b) recognized that DH's functional alcoholism wasn't going to go away unless he chose to deal with it c) told DH that while the alcoholism was his choice, DC and I didn't have to have it as OUR choice and that either something had to change or... d) once he decided to pursue sobriety, made sure that he had the contact info for the best addictions specialist in the state [but did not and have not made the appointments for him, etc.] and e) after 6 months (which is still not long enough in the sober world) we have both made changes that break some really icky patterns we'd established, ranging from watching television in separate rooms each night to re-orienting careers (and in my case re-retiring) to taking time to talk by phone mid-day about our days.
It has been FAR from easy, OP, and I'm still in awe that things are better -- DH has been alcoholic for the 30 years I have known him -- but we're headed in a better direction. One heads up: we still have some patterns into which we fall far too easily. He's an attorney who's REALLY good at gaslighting; my empathy is boundless, as is the rest of me (as in, I'm awful with boundaries...classic co-dependent in some ways); it's far easier to scream than to walk away for a bit; it's really difficult to realize that DH now can be counted on to keep commitments and help with DC). But it's so.much.better. I hope things will get there for you too (and I REALLY hope addiction's not part of your story, but if it is...then be sure you have resources for yourself and that you're not trying to change your spouse in ways that only s/he can do). |
Anonymous
| We moved and it gave us a fresh start |
Anonymous
|
Work on yourself, including individual therapy and admitting your part in the breakdown of the marriage.
Learning to move past previous wrongs (except for infidelity - that would be a deal-breaker for me). Learning to let things go. Staying out of anything and everything regarding his family. Listening as much as he needs, but repeating the phrase "whatever you think is best" with anything that involves them, even when I feel he is being taken advantage of. |
mybestlife
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
What’s the problem? Affair?
No infidelity. DH holds a ton of resentment. Once I make a mistake he never truly forgives, and is now filled with rage and anger. Our day to day life is tense and we argue a lot. Age? late 30s Kids? a 5 year old |
Anonymous
Lots of verbal abuse threads in here - http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/753525.page |
Anonymous
|
What do you mean by mistake? Are we talking a major disappointment (you gambled retired savings, alienated his family) or just regular himan mistakes?
Fwiw, my husband constantly forgets to do things he said he would do, has done stuff like dented my car, has never closed the shower curtain or cleaned the bathroom and flies of the handle too quickly. None of this ruffles me more than briefly. Life is too short to be a prisoner of anger, either your own or someone else's. |