Gathering strength to leave

[Anonymous]

I'm seeking advice from the DCUM community to know how to get out of my 20 year emotionally abusive relationship. There has been no physical abuse, save for once when he was so angry in 2011 that he nearly ran us off the road. My husband, throughout our marriage, yells at me, name calls, pounds his fists on countertops in anger, and repeats this pattern. His family knows about this side of him, but I think no one in our community would. He's a hard worker, does his share at home with kids (11 and 9, now), and values his family.

He yells. A lot. We've been in counseling literally for 15 years with 4 different therapists-- we've found one that has been able to help him create *some* change, but it's just simply not enough. Last session, I thought he'd promised that he'd not name call again. What he said, actually, was that he would 'try his best' to not namecall again, so last night when he yelled at me and called me horrible things, I just thought, "Wow, this will never ever end."

He says I cause the anger by interrupting him, by not seeing his side of the story, by not allowing him to feel criticized or attacked by me if I tell him he is doing something wrong. This is from a man who has criticized me for our entire relationship.

Ok, vent over.

I think I'm ready to leave. I just started a new job, and my healthcare (in my name) will kick in in the next month. Then, I will go to counseling on my own to gather strength. I really don't know how or when to do this. I'm just afraid. Any advice, other than "just do it!", would be really helpful. Any similar stories out there? 20 years? Such a long time to be yelled at.

[Anonymous]

Look for community resources to help you. The Women’s Center is mentioned a lot here. Also be aware that even though he hasn’t been violent, your leaving may not go over well with him, so be very careful. Go to thehotline.org, the website of The National Domestic Violence Hotline for tips on how to leave safely. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Therapy will help. Plus join a women’s group and get as many new friends as possible. Reach out to friends and family and tell them the truth. The more you center on your own life and living/communicating honestly, the easier leaving will be.

Good luck, OP. You can do this.

[Anonymous]

Stop having ap’s!

[Anonymous]

Start doing other activities. Take up a fitness class, schedule weekly grooming, do feel-good things. Look for slots that replace time you would normally spend with him. Start envisioning the type of person you’ll want to be once single, and work toward that. It takes time to reconstruct a dismantled dream - find a source of inspiration for the long, isolated valleys that divorce inevitably brings, even if you’re the one initiating it.

I’m assuming there aren’t kids or they are out of the house now.

[Anonymous]

Go to a domestic violence clinic and have some conversations with the therapists there, they can help you predict some of the situations that might come about.

I am a therapist but I don't specialize in abuse. However I have worked with women in abusive relationships and what I see, time and again, ismthat when the women leave the men become very remorseful and kind, they apologize and cry, they promise they will change, and the women go right back to them. And then they go right back to being abusive. The women feel like they don't want to leave again because how many times can they go back and forth with children, it's not fair to them.

So here is my best advice. Write down every single detail of a very abusive exchange somthat you will clearly remember what he has done and said, and how you felt. You will forget how painful your life with him is, and being on your own will have it so own challenges, and then he will pile on the charm and weeping. It will be easy to convince yourself that you over reacted or this time he gets it and will treat you well.

I have worked with men who are abusive and I kid you not, they don't even understand that in a relationship you have to consider your spouses feelings. They don't get that. And I don't think they ever will, they just see marriage as something that should serve their needs only.

Leave and be done with it. Go regularly to a therapist and ask him/her to talk to you every week about why you should not go back. Remember that his remorse and kindness is only showing because you aren't living with him, the moment you are back in the home with him it will start again. He.will.not.change.

[Anonymous]

The above is so true. I left an abusive marriage. I put in 2 years of therapy with him prior to my departure. I reached exactly a lightbulb moment as you describe, where I realized that he was never going to change. Exactly as described above, DH was remorseful and tried for the next 2 years to get back together.

One thing that helped me tremendously was to set a timeline. I promised myself that I would try therapy for 2 years as long as there was no physical abuse. At the end of those two years, nothing had changed.

That allowed my to say to myself that I had done everything reasonable to save the marriage and I could move on without any guilt, remorse or second-guessing. Your timeline can be different, but it’s good to have one.

Also, please get intensive therapy with a therapist skilled in emotional abuse. It leaves deep scars. It has affected me for years after in ways that I didn’t always understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start doing other activities. Take up a fitness class, schedule weekly grooming, do feel-good things. Look for slots that replace time you would normally spend with him. Start envisioning the type of person you’ll want to be once single, and work toward that. It takes time to reconstruct a dismantled dream - find a source of inspiration for the long, isolated valleys that divorce inevitably brings, even if you’re the one initiating it.

I’m assuming there aren’t kids or they are out of the house now.

Read the post. OP has two elementary-age kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start doing other activities. Take up a fitness class, schedule weekly grooming, do feel-good things. Look for slots that replace time you would normally spend with him. Start envisioning the type of person you’ll want to be once single, and work toward that. It takes time to reconstruct a dismantled dream - find a source of inspiration for the long, isolated valleys that divorce inevitably brings, even if you’re the one initiating it.

I’m assuming there aren’t kids or they are out of the house now.

Read the post. OP has two elementary-age kids.

Sorry, I missed that. My advice changes somewhat. OP should focus on a transition that supports her kids and how they will need to adjust. Therapy is critical for everyone, including the kids. Adults can real F up a situation, but I’d you get U.K. dance from experts and a good support system before you rip the bandaid off, it can help. The previous suggestion is still important for OP as an individual, but thy really needs to be balanced with making sure kids are going in a healthy direction when a family unit of abuse is deconstructed.

[Anonymous]

WTF - UK dance should be “guidance from experts”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a domestic violence clinic and have some conversations with the therapists there, they can help you predict some of the situations that might come about.

I am a therapist but I don't specialize in abuse. However I have worked with women in abusive relationships and what I see, time and again, ismthat when the women leave the men become very remorseful and kind, they apologize and cry, they promise they will change, and the women go right back to them. And then they go right back to being abusive. The women feel like they don't want to leave again because how many times can they go back and forth with children, it's not fair to them.

So here is my best advice. Write down every single detail of a very abusive exchange somthat you will clearly remember what he has done and said, and how you felt. You will forget how painful your life with him is, and being on your own will have it so own challenges, and then he will pile on the charm and weeping. It will be easy to convince yourself that you over reacted or this time he gets it and will treat you well.

I have worked with men who are abusive and I kid you not, they don't even understand that in a relationship you have to consider your spouses feelings. They don't get that. And I don't think they ever will, they just see marriage as something that should serve their needs only.

Leave and be done with it. Go regularly to a therapist and ask him/her to talk to you every week about why you should not go back. Remember that his remorse and kindness is only showing because you aren't living with him, the moment you are back in the home with him it will start again. He.will.not.change. /quote]


NP. Thank you for posting this.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for these posts. I do like the idea of a timeline, and was actually giving myself 2 years of individual therapy before doing anything. Maybe that's because I am afraid of just. doing. it., but it has been so so long, and I am so so tired.

I also really like keeping a journal. It will help on many levels. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for these posts. I do like the idea of a timeline, and was actually giving myself 2 years of individual therapy before doing anything. Maybe that's because I am afraid of just. doing. it., but it has been so so long, and I am so so tired.

I also really like keeping a journal. It will help on many levels. Thank you.

I am the timeline poster. I found that the abusive relationahip really impacted me and made me much more emotionally volatile. Read up a little on complex PTSD and hypervigilance. I needed several years to focus on myself and my kids, establish a calm environment and center myself. I also did NOT want to make the same mistake twice. This was my second abusive relationship. I really needed time to understand how my family of origin contributed to my being in these kinds of relationships. I also had to work on my sense of boundaries; I think I have been far too flexible and understanding in relationships. Finally, I had to learn to proactively build interpersonal relationships. I am much more reactive than is healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you so much for these posts. I do like the idea of a timeline, and was actually giving myself 2 years of individual therapy before doing anything. Maybe that's because I am afraid of just. doing. it., but it has been so so long, and I am so so tired.

I also really like keeping a journal. It will help on many levels. Thank you.

I am the timeline poster. I found that the abusive relationahip really impacted me and made me much more emotionally volatile. Read up a little on complex PTSD and hypervigilance. I needed several years to focus on myself and my kids, establish a calm environment and center myself. I also did NOT want to make the same mistake twice. This was my second abusive relationship. I really needed time to understand how my family of origin contributed to my being in these kinds of relationships. I also had to work on my sense of boundaries; I think I have been far too flexible and understanding in relationships. Finally, I had to learn to proactively build interpersonal relationships. I am much more reactive than is healthy.

OP here, thank you to this poster for this very candid, honest story and advice. I've done Imago therapy in the past-- it's basically what you outline-- exploring how your family of origin shapes the choices and behaviors you exhibit present day. My mother was very volatile, physically abusive, and yelled a LOT. She died 20 years ago, and looking back, I actually think she suffered from depression.

I like that you gave yourself time. I'm doing that too, but still taking concrete steps to get stronger. Thank you for sharing your story and making me feel like I'm not alone.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you could put some emotional space between him, the past and you.