Boyfriend giving me silent treatment
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Anonymous
Seriously though. I’m not OP. Guy didn’t do something he said he would. I said that it upset me. He said he understood why I was upset, but didn’t apologize. What is the next thing I should have said? Begged for an apology? He didn’t apologize or ask a question, so what should I have said? I’m not going to beg someone to treat me right. I did text him back 36 hrs later when I was less mad. |
Anonymous
+1. There is no honor or respect with a person that does this. They have deep seated issues that you cannot fix. Time will tell. It always does. |
Anonymous
This. It is dysfunctional. |
Anonymous
No. Ghosting is not the same as the Silent Treatment, but where you find one you will often find the other. Silent Treatment: Normal healthy interpersonal conflict/disagreement occurs amongst two people. Person 1 expresses their position, complains, seeks some ackonwledgement (not agreement) from Person 2. Witht he silent treatment, Person 2 ignores questions, dodgest the issue, often DARVO flips the script and then they retreat to silence without expressing anything about their position. It breaks down communication, it outright rejects a person's right to have their feelings respected by a partner in a relationship and it festers into deep untreated cancers that erode the relationship over time. Ghosting: A person you are dating for two years, close vicinity lovers that see each other frequently, you've discussed marriage, visited with both sides of family, traveled, brought flowers often, dinners, movies and family fun nights. You supported each other through an ectopic pregnancy and near death experience, supported in business ventures, health crisis, changes in career. You spend all holidays together, you are planning a future. You have a wonderful afternoon cleaning up and you are delighted to see that you partner surprises you with a beautiful infinity necklace, a Token of Appreciation if you read the 5 Love Languages. Fast forward not even a week. They give you the silent treatment. they don't respond to text messages ,or calls. Eventually you connect but the person is aloof cold, annoyed even. You ride together to a home since your car is getting repaired. You get out of the car, and a new box of condoms that you never needed drops out of your partner's pocket (you have a 3-year implant after losing the baby). You look over and sit in the car, ask for an explanation, and there is nothing that is said at all from the other person. They fumble some lie, and when you persist calmly, they dismiss you, ignore you, you go for a walk to think, they go into the house. You eventually go back into the house. It is late you shower - looking for where you normally keep your toothbrush and toiletries you reach for the cupboard when out falls a box of condoms. A box that has been sealed for months is now missing 18 out of the 24 condoms. A mega box of condoms that you didn't use because of the bedrest after ectopic and you have barely had sex since recovery. You leave the condoms out, and feel mentally over it. You try to think about how it is best to address the issue honestly, or end the relationship cordially. You're quiet and thoughtful but not cold or distant. Your partner offers to make you brunch, but you have no appetite. 18 condoms?! The weeks and weekends have been further and fewer in between. When did it start? He offers a trip to the bookstore. You say you don't want to go out to get the 5 Love Langugages book in the middle of a snowstorm. 1 - You have a copy on your phone. 2 - its a snowstorm. 3 - the 6 condoms you left on the counter out of the 18 that were missing are cleaned up. So there is again -- silent treatment. Not addressing, evading, etc. You paint your toenails. You think. You don't have a car because it is being repaired, something planned. You don't cry, you're responsive and you're confused. Your partner insists that you go to the bookstore, exasperated. You say NO it is always "your way or the highway" - this time I am doing it my way, I am not going to the bookstore, I am not leaving in the snow, and not like this. He says - OK. That's how you want to play this? Without a second thought. He calls 911. Calmly says, I would like for someone to please come and remove a visitor from my home. The dispatch asks if anyone is hurt or if there is harm. He says no, he just wants someone to remove me. Dispatch on speaker phone asks about the nature of the incident. You say "I didn't want to leave the house to go to the bookstore in the snow and so he is calling the police to take me away." He waves happily at you while you watch in disbelief and stays on the phone. The dispatch says, "Sir this is over getting a book?" I say calmly, "Yes." There is no missed part of the story. There was no yelling, there was not argying there is no pulling an arm or blocking an entrance. It is a seated conversation. The silent treatment man decides that he wants to wait on the phone until the officers arrive. YOu request that a cruiser please bring you home safely you are close but the weather and roads are still a concern. When the officers arrive Silent Treatment Cheater goes into the bedroom with one and shuts the door. You remain seated quiety with the other expressing their regret for you being treated this way. Says that this is why he doesn't expect anything from anyone anymore. I said I only expect the best of myself. I dont ask for anyone else to meet some demand. I meet them where they are. The other officer comes out -- he says, ma'am Silent treatment Cheater Coward wishes to have no further contact with you. I said - excuse me? The police officer looks at me with sadness, maybe pity, sympathy, for what is clearly an overaggression and disrespectful power play to just shut you down and control and manipulate the situation and dismiss your feelings and also never address the elephant in the room - the 18 condoms missing in the house and the unopened pack that fell out of the car all while you have a missing fallopian tube and hormones in your arm because you thought you were in a monogomous committed relationship. You planted seeds together, he celebrated your child's birthday, they cuddle and watch movies and she loved his spaghetti. You leave - not disheveled, not crying not angry. just in shock. you call his name, he ignores you. Once outside, the police officers are very kind and comfortaing towards you, clearing off the front seat so that you don't have to be hauled away like some crazy insane criminal in the back. A lot of loving and kind words of advice are given from a beautiful hearted soul that snowy day as you still stand in shock. Hours go by. Days go by. A week out from your 2 year anniversary and Valentin's Day - you refuse to call after being so disrespected and having someone escalate things to a degree that was just so inappropriate. What if you weren't composed? What if the situation turned BLM and the incident created a risk for your work/clearance? The date of what would be your 2-year anniversary comes and goes. So does Valentine's Day. Without an apology an email, a text, a factime, a letter, nothing. You celebrate your self-love on Valentine's day and somehow still feel full. You have a Peace that surpasses all understanding and it is established in Agape Love. A few days later, you call, and try to deliver a message. They ignore you, block you and don't answer your knock. You leave. THAT is ghosting. Because someone just severed themselves completely from your life without a care. Not a few casual dates not a hook up, nothing you pushed. They just selfishly took no honor or responsibility and abandoned you (and the child that 2 years in was beginning to love him, especially since he talked about how we would retire where we would live, etc.) All just - THROWN away. Like garbage. You aren't garbage. HE is garbage. Your infinity necklace mocks you. As does every picture over the years with his parents, his aunts, celebrating your parents birthdays, visiting family in the hospital. He just shuts the door and lets a police office remove me from the premises without even showing his face and saying im sorry it ended like this. He just stayed like a coward behind the bedroom door with his 6 condoms. He blocked your number, ignored your facetime, showed no respect or dignity, attempted to trash every memory you had together and also tried to humiliate you. Luckily you have favor on your life and there is another chapter where this trial turns to triumph. But THAT my friend -- THAT is the difference between the Silent Treatment and Ghosting. Ask me how I know? For the first time in my LIFE I experienced it with someone that I now question every single piece of information about. I have never, ever been deceived in this way before. It is pathetic, and I blamed myself for maybe a day before I Realized his issues were not my responsibility and I could not take blame for them because of his mistreatment. He was wrong. He sowed neglect, anger, distrust, betrayal, humilation, disrespect, disdain, selfishness. That is what he sowed. I sowed forgiveness, both to myself for the feeling of disgust i had of being used and polluted and even allowing him a connection to my family; I sowed grace for the ruminations on whether i missed any signs during my chronic illness where i was at my weakest point in life. When things turned a corner, and that Ivy league degree was commenced (virtually!!!!), one fallopian tube was saved so fertility is still there, and you get a call to a near $200K promotion before bonus incentive - I also sowed humility and thanksgiving for God's everlasting mercy. I refuse to sow hate into him. Just sadness. A beautiful soul that is twisted in a psyche of pain and threw away the one chance he had with someone he loved like he never had before. The only one to meet Mom. The only one to have been in a committed relationship after this time. Such great chemistry! So much growth! Right? Right. By the way. After a day meditating and listeining to a sermon on not missing moments, I went to a place that looked different outside. I just took a step without direction. And then before me was someone from many years before, a friend, a good person, with a warm spirit of kindness and intuition that gave you the best hug you could have ever had (next to a little one's of course). That was cathartic. Thank you DCUM for letting me get it off my chest. And that isn't even 3 pages in the story of my life. Maybe one day I will tell all of it. but for now - it can happen to anyone. It isn't about you. There is NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. YOU ARE NOT DYSFUNCTIONAL or misguided, or defensive, or ignorant, or stupid. He LIED to you. HE LIED. OVER AND OVER AND OVER. To you, your family, your child, his family -- we loved each other. But he couldnt love himself. He was covered in shame. So of course, he would try to project that on to me. When you can pray for someone who has wronged you, then you have moved into another level of conciousness and there are bountiful measures of grace and favor that come forth. Those who sow in tears reap in joy and all that jazz. OK. That's all! And yes. I would have wanted to know what happened. I would have appreciated a post-relationship debrief about where we disconnected, or what happened. Before he went scorched earth crazy and ghosted me before Valentine's Day and what would have been a celebration of another year together this time with so many victories I overcame -- I would have wanted to hear him out. I would not have gone crazy. I'm rational and emotional; the two can exist if you have self control, self love, and confidence in vulnerability with yourself. He could not handle what he did and he hid from me and never came out. He ghosted me. Before that -- he gave me the silent treatment. I actually started a reallly long thread about it because I had never experienced it before. The advice I got was different than yours OP (surprise, DCUM). Some people said, OH its a personality thing, or maybe you are needy blah blah. A few posters said it was wrong. Some said break up. It felt too trite without further context and understanding why. But here? Here everyone has spelled it out. Bookmark this thread. Never delete it. When you have someone that treats you this way, come back and read my story. Lock the thread if you don't want it to keep going, or allow it to be a place where this behavior is called for what it is - ABUSE. Happy Friday! 
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Anonymous
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By the way, the cops cleared the front seat for me and one of them got down on one knee to look at me and tell me never to accept his behavior when he eventually comes back. I have never been with such a lying whore before.
But he isn't worth carrying the pain into a new part of my future. I'm thankful that I can bend, and I can ache even -- but I won't break. But ... The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deuteronomy 31:8 I am now understanding that he wasn't qualified to walk into the blessings that awaited on the other side of his shut door!!! Not even talking about romance. Just -- order and good and favor in what would be another 3 page chapter. 
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Anonymous
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Some details have been changed but that happened. And now I’m better for it and this is my last post for real. Whew. That felt so much better than wine!!!!
🌈💛💫 |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Op I hope you kicked his ass to the curb, but I doubt it. |
Anonymous
Except it sounds like maybe he has already ghosted her |
Anonymous
OP never reported back. She was ghosted. She is being fooled by a ghoul. |
Anonymous
| She wasn’t* ghosted. She is still at the silent treatment stage. They’re newbies!! 😍😍😍😍😍 |
Anonymous
If you are the person I think you are on this forum — you’re so wack. Don’t test me, and don’t troll here, I am passivity’s worst nightmare I have no fear of completely outing YOU in my own damn thread. Go away. STAY AWAY. (If you’re not the person please pardon may annoyance and my false and unwarranted accusation ) |
Anonymous
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RUN.
This is a RED FLAG. This is emotional abuse and you are lucky to get this warning now. I am in the midst of trying to escape a 24 year marriage full of this. The silent treatment is a warning that he is abusive. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. IT WILL GET WAY WORSE. Trust me - I KNOW. It’s over. He’s not really the person he has been portraying to you. The silent treatment is the real him beginning to emerge. He’s fake. You will have a horrible life with a fake person if you stay. |
Anonymous
Oh and I should also mention that he has been giving me the silent treatment right now for 1.5 months. Yes, we live together and it’s HORRIBLE. I am working on my exit plan. Don’t let this happen to you. |
Anonymous
| Off topic, but who actually read PPs 23 paragraphs??? And this is after meditation? |