Boyfriend with strange views

[Anonymous]

Total loser.

Signed,
A Guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone like this, and I'm wondering if you guys could tell me if I just had a small circle and these people are prevalent, or if he truly is unusual.

My boyfriend. We have been dating for over 2 years. He's 37, and I'm 32. He feels as though his beliefs are entirely normal and healthy. Some of them include:

- After an argument or discussion, you need to punish your partner with distance and a lack of intimacy to discourage arguments in the future. Otherwise, there are no incentives for "better behavior".
- "Healthy couples" don't talk about their needs or things that bother them because they don't have any. Ever. If you have an emotional need or something on your mind, it's a sign the relationship is in trouble.
- Saying "I love you" too often diminishes the meaning of it. It should be said sparingly and not just thrown around, like when you're getting off a phone call.
- Sex is an indulgence, and it'll lose it's enjoyment if you splurge by doing it too often, like eating chocolate cake.
- If there's a problem in the relationship and it really bothers one or both of you, it's inconsiderate to even address it with your partner and burden them with it. If their normal activities annoy you, you're just not meant to be together. Even if they have no idea it's annoying to you.
- If a partner asks to discuss moving in together, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks to have more sex because it's really enjoyable, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks if you've been feeling sad lately, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight.
- Anxiety, even if it's extreme and detrimental to the relationship, is just a normal part of who you are and doesn't need to be changed or treated.
- The best marriages are formed by two people who have the same hobbies and like to do the same fun things together. There doesn't need to be physical or emotional connection. As long as you have a fun time together doing activities, that's the important part of a successful marriage. It's 100% about having someone to do fun things with.

I'm at my wits' end. He laughs at me-- literally guffaws in front of me-- when I tell him these views are quite unhealthy and standard relationship views. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I am just so tired of him telling me all of THIS ^^^ is the way it is, I just need someone to tell me he's incorrect.

A better question is why you have put up with this nonsense for two years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s deeply unhealthy but, op, unless you dump him asap so are you. maybe concentrate on getting your act together rather than exhaustive lists of his effed up beliefs.

OP: Yeah, I'm mostly just trying to process where I am. I think I let so much slide for so long, I didn't realize how toxic it had gotten. This is kind of just my rationalization chart.

Good for you, OP, you're making yourself look it square in the face. And yep, that's what it is.

[Anonymous]

And, OP, the awesome thing about his framework is you don't have to tell him ANYTHING about why you left!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve posted about him before. Didn’t you gather your courage and ask him to move in together, at which point he basically cursed you out? And you went back to him after THAT? There were other threads, too.

He is deeply dysfunctional — I wouldn’t want to spend two hours with him, let alone 2 years. But if you’re staying - and not running for your life in the other direction - then something is up with you that’s worth exploring with a therapist. Just the fact that you need validation from us that this isn’t normal, when he sounds very obviously nuts.

NP - yes! I remember this!

Can someone post those threads? I’m so curious!

[Anonymous]

Run.

[Anonymous]

What a horrible way to live. It will only get worse with time. As others have said, let this go and move on.

[Anonymous]

OP please get out, and keep us updated. I particularly want to know what your friends have to say when you tell them you dumped him. I’m betting they’ll be thrilled.

[Anonymous]

OP are you a child of an alcoholic or two? Your willingness to stay for so long indicates that you don't have a healthy sense of boundaries or the ability to gauge/impose them.

[Anonymous]

Where’s the “he must be autistic” poster? Disappointed we are on page 6 and they haven’t shown up yet.

[Anonymous]

I can’t for the life of me figure out why someone would stay in a relationship with a person like this.

[Anonymous]

Run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

[Anonymous]

No, nothing on your list is even a bit normal.

If these examples describe your boyfriend, then by continuing the relationship you are signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery. 😭

[Anonymous]

He's already married to himself, possibly gay and you are just a companion.

[Anonymous]

You’re asking for us to tell you he’s wrong and you’re right. I used to do that in relationships too. But it doesn’t work that way. All that matters is finding someone whose ways work for YOU. He’s not working for you. You need to break up with him. There’s no right or wrong here.