Boyfriend with strange views

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some deep-seated problems which won't go away.

I would guess that he may have sexuality conflicts and you are his "cover" to make his life seem normal. His behavior indicates he is play-acting at an intimate relationship with you.

Reality may be that he purposely gets angry at you and shuns you for weeks at a time to go and explore his real desires … elsewhere.

OP: Interesting take! I’ve also considered this. What, to you, makes it seem like he’s play-acting at an intimate relationship?

DP here. OP, not that this question isn't interesting, but the fact that you're coming up with this suggests that again you're trying to figure out a way to "solve" this problem when what you need to do is leave.

[Anonymous]

PP made a good point. OP is looking for ways to rationalize his (abnormal, unhealthy, deal-breaker) behavior so that she doesn’t have to leave.

[Anonymous]

That's all stuff you should be telling your therapist. They would then help you understand why the relationship won't work and what you should do next. Do that, report back.

If you stay with this guy you will be incredibly miserable. You must feel really desperate and disgusted with yourself to tolerate this, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP clearly is ignoring everyone’s advice and making excuses for her horrible decision making. She’s only responding to comments that should be irrelevant. There is no helping her.

OP: Not true. I'm working from home and responding when I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He has some deep-seated problems which won't go away.

I would guess that he may have sexuality conflicts and you are his "cover" to make his life seem normal. His behavior indicates he is play-acting at an intimate relationship with you.

Reality may be that he purposely gets angry at you and shuns you for weeks at a time to go and explore his real desires … elsewhere.

OP: Interesting take! I’ve also considered this. What, to you, makes it seem like he’s play-acting at an intimate relationship?

DP here. OP, not that this question isn't interesting, but the fact that you're coming up with this suggests that again you're trying to figure out a way to "solve" this problem when what you need to do is leave.

OP: Not trying to solve anything. I had been thinking about it was a possibility myself and just wanted to know if we'd come to the same conclusions about the same things. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's all stuff you should be telling your therapist. They would then help you understand why the relationship won't work and what you should do next. Do that, report back.

If you stay with this guy you will be incredibly miserable. You must feel really desperate and disgusted with yourself to tolerate this, right?

OP: I do feel very disgusted with myself. I feel like I've become a shell of a person. I am very deeply sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's all stuff you should be telling your therapist. They would then help you understand why the relationship won't work and what you should do next. Do that, report back.

If you stay with this guy you will be incredibly miserable. You must feel really desperate and disgusted with yourself to tolerate this, right?

OP: I do feel very disgusted with myself. I feel like I've become a shell of a person. I am very deeply sad.

OP, this statement shows progress. I'm very sorry you are going through this. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, OP, run away

[Anonymous]

He is either a narcissist or a freak, or a combination of the two

[Anonymous]

OP, You are so lucky. All I can say is that it you should multiply the annoyance by ten if you plan to stay with him because it will get much worse. The only reason to stay in a low-sex marriage is kids. Why trap yourself? The pity of it is that you are in your prime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's all stuff you should be telling your therapist. They would then help you understand why the relationship won't work and what you should do next. Do that, report back.

If you stay with this guy you will be incredibly miserable. You must feel really desperate and disgusted with yourself to tolerate this, right?

OP: I do feel very disgusted with myself. I feel like I've become a shell of a person. I am very deeply sad.

Then DTMF. Guys like this don’t deserve relationships! He doesn’t deserve you. And yet he has you, under his thumb.

[Anonymous]

Sorry if we’ve been a bit harsh. It’s tough love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone like this, and I'm wondering if you guys could tell me if I just had a small circle and these people are prevalent, or if he truly is unusual.

My boyfriend. We have been dating for over 2 years. He's 37, and I'm 32. He feels as though his beliefs are entirely normal and healthy. Some of them include:

- After an argument or discussion, you need to punish your partner with distance and a lack of intimacy to discourage arguments in the future. Otherwise, there are no incentives for "better behavior".
- "Healthy couples" don't talk about their needs or things that bother them because they don't have any. Ever. If you have an emotional need or something on your mind, it's a sign the relationship is in trouble.
- Saying "I love you" too often diminishes the meaning of it. It should be said sparingly and not just thrown around, like when you're getting off a phone call.
- Sex is an indulgence, and it'll lose it's enjoyment if you splurge by doing it too often, like eating chocolate cake.
- If there's a problem in the relationship and it really bothers one or both of you, it's inconsiderate to even address it with your partner and burden them with it. If their normal activities annoy you, you're just not meant to be together. Even if they have no idea it's annoying to you.
- If a partner asks to discuss moving in together, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks to have more sex because it's really enjoyable, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks if you've been feeling sad lately, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight.
- Anxiety, even if it's extreme and detrimental to the relationship, is just a normal part of who you are and doesn't need to be changed or treated.
- The best marriages are formed by two people who have the same hobbies and like to do the same fun things together. There doesn't need to be physical or emotional connection. As long as you have a fun time together doing activities, that's the important part of a successful marriage. It's 100% about having someone to do fun things with.

I'm at my wits' end. He laughs at me-- literally guffaws in front of me-- when I tell him these views are quite unhealthy and standard relationship views. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I am just so tired of him telling me all of THIS ^^^ is the way it is, I just need someone to tell me he's incorrect.

TBH, I'm guessing that he finds you to be needy and naggy. You're probably not well matched.

[Anonymous]

As a male that sounds beyond strange.

Trying to find a word to describe and can only come up with creepy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have never known anyone like this, and I'm wondering if you guys could tell me if I just had a small circle and these people are prevalent, or if he truly is unusual.

My boyfriend. We have been dating for over 2 years. He's 37, and I'm 32. He feels as though his beliefs are entirely normal and healthy. Some of them include:

- After an argument or discussion, you need to punish your partner with distance and a lack of intimacy to discourage arguments in the future. Otherwise, there are no incentives for "better behavior".
- "Healthy couples" don't talk about their needs or things that bother them because they don't have any. Ever. If you have an emotional need or something on your mind, it's a sign the relationship is in trouble.
- Saying "I love you" too often diminishes the meaning of it. It should be said sparingly and not just thrown around, like when you're getting off a phone call.
- Sex is an indulgence, and it'll lose it's enjoyment if you splurge by doing it too often, like eating chocolate cake.
- If there's a problem in the relationship and it really bothers one or both of you, it's inconsiderate to even address it with your partner and burden them with it. If their normal activities annoy you, you're just not meant to be together. Even if they have no idea it's annoying to you.
- If a partner asks to discuss moving in together, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks to have more sex because it's really enjoyable, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight. If a partner asks if you've been feeling sad lately, it's a complaint and should be treated as a fight.
- Anxiety, even if it's extreme and detrimental to the relationship, is just a normal part of who you are and doesn't need to be changed or treated.
- The best marriages are formed by two people who have the same hobbies and like to do the same fun things together. There doesn't need to be physical or emotional connection. As long as you have a fun time together doing activities, that's the important part of a successful marriage. It's 100% about having someone to do fun things with.

I'm at my wits' end. He laughs at me-- literally guffaws in front of me-- when I tell him these views are quite unhealthy and standard relationship views. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I am just so tired of him telling me all of THIS ^^^ is the way it is, I just need someone to tell me he's incorrect.

TBH, I'm guessing that he finds you to be needy and naggy. You're probably not well matched.

OP: Yep. I’m frequently told I’m needy, insecure, and desperate. I don’t think I am any of those things. I’ve never had previous partners call me any of those, even during the worst fights. I actually think I’m relatively relaxed and understanding of all his hang ups. Who knows. He just wants a silent, needless person to watch movies with.