Is admiring the vibe of private students a shallow motivation for sending our children to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows what you're talking about; this is why private schools are full. Both public-educated and private-educated parents want to cultivate this in their children. You don't pay all the money to eke out a couple extra points on the ACT or to be an annoying swot who can plow through an extra four to five AP courses. Those are pointless striver pursuits; smart is smart. Where you separate from the masses is with self-confidence, charm, social IQ – superior soft skills.

This EXACTLY. My parents were UMC/UC, Ivy-League educated, trust-funders from UMC/UCcollege-educated families themselves. Yet, for a variety of reasons, mostly political, they sent us to public school, albeit highly-regarded suburban public school. I had an upper class upbringing in every other way: season tickets to the symphony and ballet, expensive summer sleep-away camp, exclusive clubs and social events, extensive international travel, you name it. I was brought up to believe that I could handle any social situation and belonged anywhere I wanted. I was certainly "entitled" if that is the term you want to use. The only major outlier in my life was attending public high school. And yet it made a slight difference in me. I was just not as fully sure of myself, not as aware of subtle social clues and the norms of my private school peers, I made occasional missteps, on both sides of the public-private school world. The difference exists and its not about money, class, or upbringing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember that many of the traits you find appealing, OP, are extremely off-putting to other adults. I have worked in both public and private schools and I am repelled by the degree of entitlement, disrespect, aggressiveness (to use your word), and condescension of some of the private school students. Being told you are special for 12 years (and being given a budget for nice clothes and many opportunities to go to dances and social events) sure does make for a different type of child, though.

No, this is not accurate. Its the wealthy public school kids who are more likely to behave this way. Most private school kids know better and have been raised at home and taught by their schools that this type of behavior is unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Wealth is no substitute for bringing up children with awareness of manners and etiquette. An emphasis on manners is also more of the culture in some private schools.

I knew a really obnoxious, mannerless parent of an obnoxious, mannerless child at Beauvoir. The child was rejected from STA. They chose to attend GDS. I know many lovely GDS families, and it’s a great school. However, they seem more accepting and tolerant of kids and parents who don’t share the more traditional, perhaps more WASPy, sense of restraint and manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember that many of the traits you find appealing, OP, are extremely off-putting to other adults. I have worked in both public and private schools and I am repelled by the degree of entitlement, disrespect, aggressiveness (to use your word), and condescension of some of the private school students. Being told you are special for 12 years (and being given a budget for nice clothes and many opportunities to go to dances and social events) sure does make for a different type of child, though.

OP didn't say aggressive, she said assertive – not the same thing. OP didn't say expensive nice clothes, she said style/stylish – not the same thing.

You're just oozing triggered public school alum who is rattled by confident private school lifers. It's so obvious, thus proving OP's point that cultivating this is advantageous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

THIS THIS THIS. These kids are 'cool' from the start (and often well-dressed, etc, so that comes from the family).

Smooth is a nice way of putting it, but I'd like to offer a little pushback on this. My teen wasn't a mouse prior but he became far smoother after attending private high school. And he had truly awful style prior but now dresses respectable, cares about hygiene and appearance overall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

THIS THIS THIS. These kids are 'cool' from the start (and often well-dressed, etc, so that comes from the family).

Smooth is a nice way of putting it, but I'd like to offer a little pushback on this. My teen wasn't a mouse prior but he became far smoother after attending private high school. And he had truly awful style prior but now dresses respectable, cares about hygiene and appearance overall.

Our teen as well. But also already had the cool vibe - it's just more upper crust now. That, however, had absolutely no bearing on our decision to send our teen to private. There are a hundred better reasons to send a kid to private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

THIS THIS THIS. These kids are 'cool' from the start (and often well-dressed, etc, so that comes from the family).

Smooth is a nice way of putting it, but I'd like to offer a little pushback on this. My teen wasn't a mouse prior but he became far smoother after attending private high school. And he had truly awful style prior but now dresses respectable, cares about hygiene and appearance overall.

I agree.. these kids had the “it” factor all time. You can see it at a very young age. A lot of the smoothness and self-confidence you are talking about is instilled at home. Even at private schools, you can tell kids that are really “cool” compared to the “ I’m playing this role” ? cool.

[Anonymous]

I can't stand American society in that these are the characteristics that people value. What about genuine kindness and generosity towards others, and making a true difference in the world?

[Anonymous]

Simply amazing...so Stepford Children come from private schools now? Just sad that people actually believe some of this...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Simply amazing...so Stepford Children come from private schools now? Just sad that people actually believe some of this...

It's beyond crazy. But that's how the schools make the big bucks...

[Anonymous]

I don't know. I have seen unpolite kids in both worlds. I have seen brand clothes/electronics crazyness in both worlds.

Kids in private schools have more opportunities to speak in public and/or show their work. But many of them, are, indeed, very entitled (but because their parents are entitled).

So, whatever you choose, have in mind that the values your DC learn at home are more important than anything. And, as someone said above, kindness should be on your top list. This is missing everywhere, public and private.

[Anonymous]

I'm a huge private school person OP and really dislike publics. But, I felt a little sad reading your post. It kind of means that kids who don't have the chance to go to private are "SOL', and I don't really believe that. And, I don't think "cool" is the right word for private school kids. I think "confident" might be the right word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand American society in that these are the characteristics that people value. What about genuine kindness and generosity towards others, and making a true difference in the world?

Manners and kindness converge in my book. Bragging about how much you paid for X thing, walking up to two people who are in conversation and addressing only one of them and ignoring the other, allowing your children to tell other children that their things are cheap — these are the unkind things that people with no manners do.

When you se another parent standing alone with no one to talk to, it’s good manners to include them. It’s also kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand American society in that these are the characteristics that people value. What about genuine kindness and generosity towards others, and making a true difference in the world?

There are private schools that have a strong service and social justice mission.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand American society in that these are the characteristics that people value. What about genuine kindness and generosity towards others, and making a true difference in the world?

Manners and kindness converge in my book. Bragging about how much you paid for X thing, walking up to two people who are in conversation and addressing only one of them and ignoring the other, allowing your children to tell other children that their things are cheap — these are the unkind things that people with no manners do.

When you se another parent standing alone with no one to talk to, it’s good manners to include them. It’s also kind.

Ugh. Unfortunately, there's a dad on our kids' school board who does this all the time at parent gatherings and he just comes off as a jerk. Unfortunately, his child seems to be having a hard time socializing so there is something to be said about learning socialization skills (or not) from home.