Is admiring the vibe of private students a shallow motivation for sending our children to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows what you're talking about; this is why private schools are full. Both public-educated and private-educated parents want to cultivate this in their children. You don't pay all the money to eke out a couple extra points on the ACT or to be an annoying swot who can plow through an extra four to five AP courses. Those are pointless striver pursuits; smart is smart. Where you separate from the masses is with self-confidence, charm, social IQ – superior soft skills.

This EXACTLY. My parents were UMC/UC, Ivy-League educated, trust-funders from UMC/UCcollege-educated families themselves. Yet, for a variety of reasons, mostly political, they sent us to public school, albeit highly-regarded suburban public school. I had an upper class upbringing in every other way: season tickets to the symphony and ballet, expensive summer sleep-away camp, exclusive clubs and social events, extensive international travel, you name it. I was brought up to believe that I could handle any social situation and belonged anywhere I wanted. I was certainly "entitled" if that is the term you want to use. The only major outlier in my life was attending public high school. And yet it made a slight difference in me. I was just not as fully sure of myself, not as aware of subtle social clues and the norms of my private school peers, I made occasional missteps, on both sides of the public-private school world. The difference exists and its not about money, class, or upbringing.

Can we just stop being uselessly vague? What “missteps” do you think you made? And do you honestly think private school kids never make a social misstep? They do it all the time, esp. when interacting with people outside their bubble! Example - private school girl at my summer camp in high school acted aghast when we were out for lunch and I asked the waiter how much a special cost. I’m sure she thought I was the one missteping (because like how pathetic to want to favor into cost to any decision) but the way she reacted was appalling — she literally rolled her eyes, waved a hand, and said, “what does it matter?!” By the way, we applied to the same Ivy and I got in and she didn’t. Her career is lackluster but what polish!

[Anonymous]

^^^ factor in cost to any decision

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't stand American society in that these are the characteristics that people value. What about genuine kindness and generosity towards others, and making a true difference in the world?

There are private schools that have a strong service and social justice mission.

If you’re talking about Sidwell, that’s a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows what you're talking about; this is why private schools are full. Both public-educated and private-educated parents want to cultivate this in their children. You don't pay all the money to eke out a couple extra points on the ACT or to be an annoying swot who can plow through an extra four to five AP courses. Those are pointless striver pursuits; smart is smart. Where you separate from the masses is with self-confidence, charm, social IQ – superior soft skills.

This EXACTLY. My parents were UMC/UC, Ivy-League educated, trust-funders from UMC/UCcollege-educated families themselves. Yet, for a variety of reasons, mostly political, they sent us to public school, albeit highly-regarded suburban public school. I had an upper class upbringing in every other way: season tickets to the symphony and ballet, expensive summer sleep-away camp, exclusive clubs and social events, extensive international travel, you name it. I was brought up to believe that I could handle any social situation and belonged anywhere I wanted. I was certainly "entitled" if that is the term you want to use. The only major outlier in my life was attending public high school. And yet it made a slight difference in me. I was just not as fully sure of myself, not as aware of subtle social clues and the norms of my private school peers, I made occasional missteps, on both sides of the public-private school world. The difference exists and its not about money, class, or upbringing.

Can we just stop being uselessly vague? What “missteps” do you think you made? And do you honestly think private school kids never make a social misstep? They do it all the time, esp. when interacting with people outside their bubble! Example - private school girl at my summer camp in high school acted aghast when we were out for lunch and I asked the waiter how much a special cost. I’m sure she thought I was the one missteping (because like how pathetic to want to favor into cost to any decision) but the way she reacted was appalling — she literally rolled her eyes, waved a hand, and said, “what does it matter?!” By the way, we applied to the same Ivy and I got in and she didn’t. Her career is lackluster but what polish!

That person did not have polish. Manners and etiquette should be used to make those around you more comfortable and to smooth social interactions. Understanding the basic "rules" is helpful but the most important part of polish is the ability to make others feel comfortable and heard (see: not leaving one person out of a group conversation). She has a faulty understanding of the role etiquette should play and is snobbish, not necessarily cultured. I'm not surprised that her career is lackluster if she never learned the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a misguided one. It’s not the school. Being entitled/“confident” comes from the home.

I have kids in private and they aren’t like this.

Where did you get entitlement from?

I think it’s implicit in op’s post. She admires a “cool vibe” and “stylishness.” A subsequent poster talks about her kid’s “tousled hair” as evidence that it’s true. It’s not about quality of education, it’s about adopting “confidence” which in this case is code for acting like a member of the wealthy white overclass. That’s why op is so uncomfortable articulating that she wants this.

Maybe you’re seeing what you want to see. OP noted both public and private nieces and nephews are accomplished students. That’s clearly important to her, too.

some kids just have the “it” factor. My DD has attended public and private, and moved out of state. She’s always been confident and stylish, and that started at home. She’s an artsy kid and is a considered a popular kid. I don’t think it has anything to do with the school. She’s very articulate with a great sense of humor. We applied out of our k-8 into a highy desired single-sex school, and she was accepted. I think it starts at home!

Lori Loughlin posts on DCUM!

I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Do they have a cocktail party class in private schools in 7th grade? Genuinely curious what they thought you that you think translated into enjoying cocktail parties.

DP. Not cocktail parties, but between cotillions, the fancy bar/batmizvahs, and various functions the children are exposed to through their parents' careers mean that by the time these children are in college, formal situations don't faze them. DS, who is in middle school, does not enjoy hanging out with adults, but he knows the drill.

My kids, now in HS, college and grad school, went to public for ES and then switched to independent schools, so they have friends who attended different types of schools. Many of the public school kids participated in "cotillions" (aka, for-profit social dance and manners training), and many of the private school kids did not. Regardless of the type of school they attended, many of these kids went to plenty of "fancy" bar/bat mitzvah parties. While independent schools do tend to emphasize class discussion, thus providing greater opportunities for students to practice speaking up and putting forth their opinions, the poised, articulate and confident young people I know come from all types of educational backgrounds. My sense is that young people with these qualities have developed them through many different experiences, including school, but also family, travel, work or volunteer experiences, participation in religious organizations, and a range of extracurricular activities. When I hear parents whose children went to independent school touting their children and their friends as more polished than public school kids, I think it's a shame that they have to stretch so much to rationalize their tuition payments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Do they have a cocktail party class in private schools in 7th grade? Genuinely curious what they thought you that you think translated into enjoying cocktail parties.

DP. Not cocktail parties, but between cotillions, the fancy bar/batmizvahs, and various functions the children are exposed to through their parents' careers mean that by the time these children are in college, formal situations don't faze them. DS, who is in middle school, does not enjoy hanging out with adults, but he knows the drill.

My kids, now in HS, college and grad school, went to public for ES and then switched to independent schools, so they have friends who attended different types of schools. Many of the public school kids participated in "cotillions" (aka, for-profit social dance and manners training), and many of the private school kids did not. Regardless of the type of school they attended, many of these kids went to plenty of "fancy" bar/bat mitzvah parties. While independent schools do tend to emphasize class discussion, thus providing greater opportunities for students to practice speaking up and putting forth their opinions, the poised, articulate and confident young people I know come from all types of educational backgrounds. My sense is that young people with these qualities have developed them through many different experiences, including school, but also family, travel, work or volunteer experiences, participation in religious organizations, and a range of extracurricular activities. When I hear parents whose children went to independent school touting their children and their friends as more polished than public school kids, I think it's a shame that they have to stretch so much to rationalize their tuition payments.

Agree with this 100%. I have kid in one of the cathedral schools and one in DCPS (upper school of each). Whether a kid is polished or not has far more to do with their social exposures (or lack thereof) in their nuclear family and than what they are learning inside school. My 2 kids' social worlds are not that different. Their friends all know each other, they both play on travel sports teams (and have for years) with kids from public and private. I can see there might be a difference in public/private school "polish" if a kid comes from an insular family or from a more remote area of the country. However, we have very active social lives here in upper NW and our kids have been socialized a ton since they were toddlers and are comfortable speaking up in any setting and talking to other kids and adults--regardless of who they are. I will also say that some of the "coolest" kids and "coolest" parents I know are DCPS high school parents. You know the type people who are naturally charismatic and really have their "sh%$t together?---kind, smart, funny, successful, good looking, laid-back, etc? Almost all of them kept their kids in public school. In my experience, it was the more neurotic, socially awkward ones who pulled their kids out for private in DC. I myself am a bit of both so it's ironic that I have a kid in both worlds.

[Anonymous]

Private school kids are also more attractive. Fact.

[Anonymous]

WHY DO PRIVATE SCHOOL PARENTS NEED SO MUCH VALIDATION? Seriously, every single thread on this section of DCUM is some form of "tell me I made the right decision by going private."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

THIS THIS THIS. These kids are 'cool' from the start (and often well-dressed, etc, so that comes from the family).

Smooth is a nice way of putting it, but I'd like to offer a little pushback on this. My teen wasn't a mouse prior but he became far smoother after attending private high school. And he had truly awful style prior but now dresses respectable, cares about hygiene and appearance overall.

What I'm picturing is, he used to be Judd Nelson and now he's Anthony Michael Hall?

I think I might prefer a son who doesn't care about style to a son who does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY DO PRIVATE SCHOOL PARENTS NEED SO MUCH VALIDATION? Seriously, every single thread on this section of DCUM is some form of "tell me I made the right decision by going private."

Bc we are spending so much we need to constantly remind ourselves that we made the right choice!

[Anonymous]

Private school parents as a whole don’t act like they need validation any more than public school parent do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WHY DO PRIVATE SCHOOL PARENTS NEED SO MUCH VALIDATION? Seriously, every single thread on this section of DCUM is some form of "tell me I made the right decision by going private."

I totally agree. Never seen a more insecure a group of people.

[Anonymous]

Do kids become more confident because they believe themselves to be worthy of $40,000/year educations? Because they understand they are in a (self-proclaimed) “special” school, up and away from the hoi polloi?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WHY DO PRIVATE SCHOOL PARENTS NEED SO MUCH VALIDATION? Seriously, every single thread on this section of DCUM is some form of "tell me I made the right decision by going private."

I totally agree. Never seen a more insecure a group of people.

And yet, you are on this thread and even bothered to post. Why are you even here?