Is admiring the vibe of private students a shallow motivation for sending our children to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

Also, this is the self-esteem movement at its worst. And then we get kids like the ones described in The Coddling of the American Mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love this forum. It just keeps giving and giving!

+1

I have no words except for this... my DH went to elite private school and he is all the things OP describes. He is also extremely insecure about money and wanting to have it. And many of his classmates have similar strange relationships with wealth. For example lots of his female friends married very wealthy men with very significant problems (like drugs, cheating). It is just one example of the complexities of the effects of private school education. It has positives and negatives imo. It is not a ticket to perfect kids. So OP I think you are being very naive.

+1 This kind of attitude comes with its own set of issues. OP, get into this with eyes wide open.

[Anonymous]

I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Why did you two go to private? Because you were the ones who could get scholarships? Sounds like you were smarter and more worldly to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Do they have a cocktail party class in private schools in 7th grade? Genuinely curious what they thought you that you think translated into enjoying cocktail parties.

[Anonymous]

^^^ taught you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Do they have a cocktail party class in private schools in 7th grade? Genuinely curious what they thought you that you think translated into enjoying cocktail parties.

DP. Not cocktail parties, but between cotillions, the fancy bar/batmizvahs, and various functions the children are exposed to through their parents' careers mean that by the time these children are in college, formal situations don't faze them. DS, who is in middle school, does not enjoy hanging out with adults, but he knows the drill.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Why did you two go to private? Because you were the ones who could get scholarships? Sounds like you were smarter and more worldly to begin with.

I was in a split public/private family and it made no difference. We were UMC with involved parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m from a family of 6 and two of us went to private while the rest went to public. We were blue collar and got great scholarships to top schools (not from DC area). My brother and I are very different than our siblings from the colleges we attended to the people we married to the careers we chose and money we have made. I also notice how much easier it is for us to be in forced social situations like cocktail parties, even though I’m more of an introvert. I remember learning these things from day one after moving to private in 7th grade. It was another world.

My kids and my brother’s kids, who are the only ones in the next generation attending private school, are totally different than the children of my other siblings. Mine are both introverts but extremely comfortable with adults and always interested in engaging in conversation about any topic. They are very bright as are some of their public school cousins but they seem poised and articulate in a way that’s just not present in their cousins. My kids are high school and college aged now and they have noticed the difference between them and their cousins outside of my brother’s kids. I’m not saying this is going to be everyone’s experience but it has definitely played out in my family.

Why did you two go to private? Because you were the ones who could get scholarships? Sounds like you were smarter and more worldly to begin with.

It's hard to say because there were many reasons we went to private. For me, I was being bullied for being a G&T kid and I really wanted a school that offered a more academic environment. I really loved learning and could spend hours in a library, which wasn't cool with the average 6th grader even if they were smart. For my brother it was a school that had great sports teams and good academics where his good friend was planning to attend. I think my parents didn't really want all of us going to different schools so they sort of put a stop to others applying to private. In addition, it's not like we got 100% tuition paid for, even if we got great aid, so they could see this adding up to be much more in tuition than they could afford. They also felt like our town public school was really strong, which many people felt it was.

I guess we will never know if things would have turned out the same had I stayed in public but I know how things turned out having left for private. It's possible that for students coming from families who are upper middle class to top 2% already, this isn't as big of a factor as it was for me. My dad was a plumber and my mom didn't work after having kids, so we weren't exactly members at a country club. For a kid like me, it definitely made me comfortable with a whole different set of people than I would have been without attending private school.

[Anonymous]

Everyone knows what you're talking about; this is why private schools are full. Both public-educated and private-educated parents want to cultivate this in their children. You don't pay all the money to eke out a couple extra points on the ACT or to be an annoying swot who can plow through an extra four to five AP courses. Those are pointless striver pursuits; smart is smart. Where you separate from the masses is with self-confidence, charm, social IQ – superior soft skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

This is why we've chosen private for our black son. We want him to have the confidence and polish that comes from this environment. I want my child to have every possibly advantage that the privileged are giving to their kids. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone knows what you're talking about; this is why private schools are full. Both public-educated and private-educated parents want to cultivate this in their children. You don't pay all the money to eke out a couple extra points on the ACT or to be an annoying swot who can plow through an extra four to five AP courses. Those are pointless striver pursuits; smart is smart. Where you separate from the masses is with self-confidence, charm, social IQ – superior soft skills.

I think this might work for some kids in "the middle" socially or kids who are social but aren't UMC or don't have a lot of exposure to UMC sports, etc.

I don't think it makes a difference for the social superstar kids from an early age, especially if the kid already has exposure to UMC activities (I'm thinking of DH who went to a very mediocre public school but is naturally super social, has super social parents, and got into competitive golf at a young age).

I also don't think it matters for the super awkward kids or the ones with major self-esteem issues. If anything, those kids can struggle more at Big 3 type privates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, the extroverted, very socially-smooth kids are that way no matter what. You can tell as early as daycare/preschool.

THIS THIS THIS. These kids are 'cool' from the start (and often well-dressed, etc, so that comes from the family).

[Anonymous]

Just remember that many of the traits you find appealing, OP, are extremely off-putting to other adults. I have worked in both public and private schools and I am repelled by the degree of entitlement, disrespect, aggressiveness (to use your word), and condescension of some of the private school students. Being told you are special for 12 years (and being given a budget for nice clothes and many opportunities to go to dances and social events) sure does make for a different type of child, though.