Do you rely on your DH for emotional support?

[Anonymous]

I’m pretty independent and I don’t often need much emotional support but I do know my husband would be there for me. He is always willing to listen and help me work things through out loud rather than just saying well here’s the answer. When my Dad died and I was a mess my husband just stepped in and took care of a ton of things to allow me to grieve and quickly get back on my feet.

[Anonymous]

My father, although devoted to his family, was not there emotionally for my mother and she would turn to me and my siblings for support. I looked for a man who would be there for me and our children and found one in DH.

[Anonymous]

If OP's DH is taunting her when she is vulnerable, that is sabotage and a trait of excessively competitive people. OP, does your DH have a sense of competition that never quits? Is he trying to start a fight because an argument is actually enjoyable to him?

[Anonymous]

I rely on him to give me hugs and kisses, but nothing else. He is for physical comfort, my best friend is for emotional comfort. I wish it were different, but he is emotionally avoidant.

[Anonymous]

No, but he has issues

[Anonymous]

Early on he was very nice to me and I got comfortable sharing my vulnerabilities and weaknesses with him. It didn’t take long for him to use them against me, and know what buttons to push to punish me. When I withdrew emotionally, he said I was cold and that we need to be each others’ emotional support system. No way. I take care of myself by taking care of my responsibilities and having the satisfaction of knowing I’ve done a good job. I told him he’s free to leave at any time, but he’s stayed. Together we have two great kids, a nice home and a nice life. Yes it lacks warm and fuzzies but it is much safer and stable this way. I learned in those early years to throw up that boundary of not letting him near me emotionally.

[Anonymous]

Yes and he does on me. We are each other's rocks. He is actually more sensitive and emotional.

[Anonymous]

I wish I could. Don’t trust them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and logistically re: my aging parents. My DH and I have financial resources and are raising two young children. I am finally emerging from a situational depression with the help of a therapist (bu not my DH) and am feeling my zest for life and my future returning.

But my DH is a drag, and when I am upset, he in turn gets very anxious and goes to worst case scenarios, which he taunts me with. I need a hug and someone to help me sort it out - not someone who can't handle his own sh*t or create some space for me to.

How many women are married or partnered with a man who actually has some emotional strength?

Have you told him that specifically when you're in the moment? My husband is an engineer, so he has a strong desire to problem solve in every situation. When I am upset and I just need a hug and sympathy, NOT a solution, I tell him that first and he gives it to me. Otherwise he has a tendency to want to tell me how to fix it and sometimes either there aren't solutions or I don't want to hear about them when I'm really upset. So for us, me telling him what I need from him at that time can be really helpful. I'll also say that he has realized this on his own and I generally no longer have to say anything about it to him - now he knows to react with hugs and sympathy and then ask if I want to discuss solutions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. His immediate response to any difficulty in my life is "what are you doing about it?"

THIS! I have good friends and a therapist when needed.

Have you told your husband that you are going to turn to your friends instead of him? Therapists are different because they are trained to handle things that normal people aren't, but I remember one time I told my husband that I was just going to talk to a friend instead because he wasn't giving me what I needed and he was so sad about that that he tried really hard that time and after to give me what I needed in that moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course! He doesn’t always know exactly what to say, and sometimes there’s nothing he can say to make things better (like the time my best friend was killed in a car accident) but he seems to know when I need affection, or when I need space, and he’ll do little things for me like bring me my favorite meal or snack or pick up extra chores around the house to just try to make my life easier.

This is totally unrelated to OP's post but I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I was just flipping through this thread and reading that you lost your best friend literally brought tears to my eyes. I can't even imagine. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, he's made it clear he has no interest. But he doesn't like the cost of therapy and doesn't want me to talk to friends/family because God forbid people think we are less than perfect.

Agree with PP that all men are really good for is their money, at this point it's all I get out of marriage. So now when I'm feeling down I just go buy something.

Definitely not all men. I'm sorry your life is like that but some of us do have husbands who provide emotional support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

Your husband being your best friend does not mean that you don't have other friends. In other words, a best friend isn't an only friend. I'm curious as to why you had such a negative reaction to this idea. I think you're jealous of people who say their husbands are their best friends, although I know you'll never admit it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my husband couldn’t support me emotionally and be my best friend, we wouldn’t be together. For me that’s an important part of feeling complete trust in our relationship.

I’m an earlier poster. This whole “husband as a best friend” thing is kind of dumb. Is he probably the closest person in the world to me in terms of knowing my inner thoughts and day-to-day activities? Absolutely. And we connected emotionally? Absolutely. Do I also use other people in my life for emotional support? Also yes.

¯\_(?)_/¯ You do you. But I’m being honest. Men are capable of having this emotional connection. Most of the men my friends are married to are this way. If it works for you not to have it, that’s chill. For me it would be a nightmare to live with someone who wasn’t a source of emotional support. I’d be sad for my kids too not to have someone who was fully emotionally available as a father.

Let me repeat from above:
Are we connected emotionally? Absolutely.

He IS a source of emotional support, but far from my only one.

Then why are you arguing with the post you responded to? She said her husband was her best friend, not her only friend. How obtuse are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a guy. I understand that sometimes women just like to vent. But I get very tired very fast if they're not looking for a solution. Why listen to someone complain about the same thing over and over again, who takes no steps to solve it? Admittedly, I don't take the necessary steps to solve the problems in my life. But I also don't vent about them. I only bring stuff up when I want help finding a solution. It seems like a lot of PP are facing this in their spouses; some seem okay with it, others not. I don't think it is a case of capability of emotional support. It's a question of why provide it to someone who wants to conceive or herself as a victim. It's fine sometimes, but it gets nauseating. Of course, I'm not referring here to real traumas. But to venting about day-to-day stuff. My fiancée doesn't vent that much, and I appreciate that immensely. It's part of the reason I respect her a ton.

Because sometimes there isn't a solution? So if my best friend is dying and I'm upset about that, how would you like me to fix it? Am I allowed to be upset once, like when she dies, but not when she was first diagnosed or when the cancer came back or when she was in a really bad state? I should just know at the outset that I am only allowed one time of being upset and then after that we need to only focus on solutions? Got it.